Just saying that name ignites strong feelings deep in my soul. I want nothing more than to stare into those deep gray eyes, stroke that coke-white hair, and hold hands with those green fungus laden fingernails. My loins ache for some grade-B homemade meatloaf and instant-mix potatoes, stir fry chicken with enough MSG to cause brain seizures, or the best salmonella chicken quesadillas you can stuff in your face.
Ray Pontes, a legend amongst a long line of strung out, fucked up, $500 a week chefs to stroll the chi phi kitchen. No one can beat the legend of Algie, the OG of chefs. But Ray certainly holds the #2 spot. More fucked up shit comes out of his mouth than any human being i have had the experience of meeting so far. here are the top 16 excerpts from the past 3 years of history.
Top 16 Best Ray's of Light
1. me:Ray the milk is curdled, and it expired a week ago.
Ray: Lemme see that.....(opens the milk up and drinks it)....Tastes fine...you see its not curdled it was just clumped together.
me: Ray it expired last week
Ray: They only put those dates on there for people like you who think they need good milk, it really doesn't mean anything.
2. Harbutt: Ray you ever smoked crack?
Ray: Hell yea, i used to make that shit too, its not that hard. I know someone who works here(cleaning crew) whose friends makes the best shit ever, only $100 a gram.
3. ray" "the U.S. has concentration camps too" (comparing us to Germany)
ray: " we just call em' reservations"
me: "ray, we don't kill people or torture them on reservations"
ray: "I've been to 2 reservations... half of em' don't even have plumbing!"
4. Ray: "Fuckin a chick with huge meat curtains is like getting a blowjob from a girl with no teeth, which isn't bad by the way, it's different."
5. "I used to get head from this girl with no teeth. She had a baby and she wasn't taking the right vitamins, and the baby just sucked all the calcium right out of her. After that, her teeth just kept falling out. But it's not too bad. She couldn't teeth you to death, just gummed you to death."
6. Ray: yeah tons of famous people have done drugs, but you'd never hear them admit it
Me: Oh Yeah?
Ray: Yeah, you know Sherlock Holmes did coke
Me: Isn't Sherlock Holmes a fictional character?
Ray: well yeah...but the guy that wrote it did coke too
7. So Ray is sitting at brunch with Buchman and me and he looks down at the egg yolk on my plate...
Ray: "you gonna waste that yolk"
Me: "yeah, so why don't you eat it?"
Ray: "I don't want it, you probably stuck it up your butt and shot it back out again"
Me: "uh... yeah Ray"
Ray: "you know... like those college kids used to do with the Gerbils in the 80s"
8. "You see, 150, 200 years in the future..."
I interject: "We could be totally fucked at the rate we're going. I wonder if there will even be a Unites States."
He continues: "Oh, the US will still be here, but what it is is, it will be all different. The whole country will be broken up into smaller pieces, you know, territories, and each territory will have its own government and they'll all operate under the main government."
9. Guys, a little advice from Ray for the next time you are hooking up with a sketchy chick. "If you believe that this girl may have an STD, then stick your finger in your ear and get some ear wax and rub it on her pussy. If it stings her, then stay away." Wow.
10. So I'm talking to our beloved Raymond this morning at brunch about puffin' herb and he relates the following information to me concerning his past:
"I smoke and I smoke a lot. I've always partied hard and now I'm getting old and mellowing out a bit. See what it is is I don't drink so much anymore but I still smoke. But I don't get this real expensive shit that's out there now, I don't need to be spending that much money when I can still get very good shit for much much cheaper. What it is is I have connections. I go where no other white people go because I know some real rough fellas. You know those stun guns, you know cattle prods? Not the new kinds that are pussy shit but the old kind that were big like this (indicating with his hands the length of about a yard) - well I used to carry one of those around all the time, you know, tucked into my belt. Shit, I used to zap people with that thing and they'd shit and piss their pants while flying back a good 4 feet!! Those were the days. I made a shitload of money doing that shit too. But now I'm mellow..."
11. (from skance)Today at lunch, sometime around 12:30, I was eating my philly, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear Ray's voice from right behind me saying something about bowling balls and bowling alleys, then I feel little grubby hands on the top of my head and the cackle that louis has nightmares about. If I didnt like to eat so much I might have killed the little fucker, but now I just have to live with this for the rest of my life.
12. After I finally convince Ray to cook me a shitty egg roll while having listened to how he appreciates Black History month as he enlightened me with his knowledge about the native american influence on the first 500 miles of the underground railroad, Ray comes out and says "I am going to fuck the shit out of that sales lady on my birthday"..."Really Ray, the monarch lady? How are you going to do that?"...He says, "Cocaine man, chicks dig that, i'm not stupid. I was a player before there were players".
13. See when a woman starts getting violent you really need to knock her out. Don't try to reason with her or stop her cuz women don't fight like men do. They go all psycho and shit and they'll try to kill you. I'm serious. That's why you gotta knock 'em out cuz they really will try to kill you. Then they'll be sorry when it's too late and you're fuckin' dead. You gotta knock 'em out.
14. So I am in the process of obtaining some corn dogs when "Stairway" comes on the radio. Ray says, " You know I hate this fucking song. Well, I hate it but I love it." Why is that Ray? He says "You know, you are dancing with a girl, makin out, and talkin all sweet in her little ear. Next thing you know you got a boner goin on. Well the reason why I hate it is because as soon as your boner pops up the song cuts to that fast part and you have to pull away. Now for the rest of the night you have to walk around lookin like a tent. I hate that fucking song"
15. "When I used to deal in Miami, i would just roll into a club with a vial of coke...the uncut stuff. I would just drop it on the bar and the first girl to ask me about it, we went out back and we blasted it...their whole face was numb. I didn't even know her name...no drinks, nothing....when it was silent for too long, i just asked 'wanna go snort some more? Then I'd just see if she would come home with me...'by the way, what's your name?'"
16. Ray: This place looked like a shit hole this morning, you fuckers party every night of the week dont you? Me: Well some of us do, others of us were studyingRay: Well you guys need to get a fucking bum to camp out in your backyard. That way he can come in and clean up the cans. Before you know it, he will be able to buy a condo for himselfMe: Cool Ray, thats not a bad idea, I will have to talk to tyler about that idea. After long pause...Ray: You know those homeless people will eat anything, you could probably have them clean up the puke in the other room too. You get what I am saying?Me: No Ray, what are you saying?Ray: I am trying to say that he would eat the puke! how dumb are you kids!
Ray Pontes still works as the Chi Phi cook. he makes $500 cash a week.