Friday, July 14, 2006

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Rotten Tomatoes

Hello everyone, hope youre all having an excellent week.

recently a buddy, stats mcgiggler, has been living in the 3rd bedroom, looking for a new place. he was in nyc for a project so he sold his old place and all his shit, now he is back and its allegedly a temporary situation. you may know him from 'How to Be a Straight Baller'.

with any three roomie situation, there are bound to be fights. its inevitable, right? 2 is the perfect number because you know if you didnt take out the trash or do the dishes the last time, its your turn. as soon as a 3rd person moves into the place, all hell breaks loose and no one takes ANY responsibility. since i am a pacifist, a lot of unwanted, unchecked agression is sent my way. like i dont use any dishes, opting for takeout and easily trashable meals... these guys use 2 plates and 2 forks and a knife for every meal.... but i get blamed for dishes not getting done. also i am the easiest scapegoat for the copious amounts of mj we smoke, even though these 2 lazy stoner fucks are always the ones suggesting the sessions.

so besides the ridiculous hypotheticals, the petty arguments, and the heated lame ass exchanges, the biggest thing i get ragged on for is movie selection. since i am a netflix whore, i am the one who has a constant stream of releases coming through the mail. here is a typical exchange amongst me, jonnycakes, and stats.

me: got a few new flix tonight yall
jonny: oh im sure its fucking shitty if you got it.... what is it?
me: kiss kiss bang bang, i heard its supposed to be good. netflix recommended it.
stats: sounds weak
jonny: why even watch it, we know it sucks.

then one of these two nerds decides to get on their laptops and check the All Knowing, All Telling website

jonny: oh man it got an 83
stats: oh good i guess we can watch it now
me: shut the fuck up its already starting

no thats not the end of the story...

for some smart intelligent crafty people, these two are total fucking idiots when it comes to movie watching. why in the fuck would you rely on a website of movie critics across the country for your movie selection? why would you bag a movie before youve watched it in full? or at least watch until you get to such a ridiculous scene that as a group, you decide to turn it off. personally, i think the only way to be a real critic is to watch it for yourself and decide for yourself.... but these two pricks would rather check out that website and let it decide for them.

since i am trying to form somewhat of a cohesive argument, i have some pretty good examples. now if youre a 45 year old or a 15 year old, we may disagree. hey we're at different points in our lives and the age gap is just too great for us to agree on the same things. obviously on rottentomatoes there are movies that everyone agrees are excellent, both professional critics and general users. but i have found some serious cases of why you should NOT use rottentomatoes as the end all guide to what movies you decide to watch. and here we go....

obviously people have the most difference of opinion when it comes to funny things. like some people actually think kathy griffin is funny. or gilbert godfried. or the three stooges. or british people. unfortunately you and i will not see eye to eye on this section.

I queried comedies from the 90s and 2000s that were 30% or under. in other words, rotten movies. check out the dissension amongst critics vs real people.

MovieCritics %Users %
Van Wilder1745
Half Baked2565
Wet Hot American Summer3172
Nacho Libre3555
Super Troopers3668
Meet the Fockers3862

Just for the record, Stepford Wives is listed as a 26.... if stepford wives is better than Half Baked i should shoot myself in the face right now.

Another pattern i found was that certain actors, especially SNL actors, get bagged on bigtime for making shitty movies. The biggest tomato out there is Adam Sandler, whose comedies are hilarious.....

SNL MoviesCritics %Users %
Dirty Work1775
The Ladies Man1060
Billy Madison4072
Happy Gilmore5378
Mr. Deeds2344
Old School5979
Wedding Singer5673

I dont know why people dont think Deeds is funny... but look at the cult following on Norm MacDonald's one movie.... thats a 58% difference. Next up is Jack Black movies....

Jack Black MoviesCritics %Users %
School of Rock9090
Saving Silverman1670
Orange County4975
Nacho Libre3555

ok, i know not everyone likes this guy, but all 4 of these movies are good and how the fuck can nacho libre get 35 frickin %? makes no sense....

if you like one Kevin Smith movie, you like them all. i mean no one can say oh i love every movie, but not dogma...that one sucked. check out rotten tomatoes ratings of Kevin Smith flicks...

Kevin Smith MoviesCritics %Users %
Jay and Silent Bob5375
Chasing Amy9395

so let me get this straight... chasing amy is the best kevin smith movie that everyone loves, but jay and silent bob, one of the fucking funniest movies out there, gets a 53%. that movie is obviously not rotten in any sense of the word.

so after i looked at comedies, i checked with my netflix queue. i basically went down the list of all the movies i rated 5 stars myself. these are listed in order of difference between critics and users...

Awesome Shoobie MoviesCritics %Users %
Boondock Saints2077
Boiler Room6595
Lock, Stock, 2 Smoking Barrels7197
Varsity Blues3964
American History X8599
Batman Begins8394

PCU is a primetime example for my argument. that movie is fucking still funny. huge list of celebs in it: spade, pivens, george clinton, favreau. this is one of the only 100% i have run across and of course the critics gave it a 57. rotten rating. rotten website. rotten idea to ever look at it as a reference for what i should and should not watch.

i am not saying i dont rent shitty movies. i mean "basic instinct 2" got like 9% and i rented it, i can admit it... but if you were 12 when the original one came out and for an entire year all you could think about was sharon stone's naughty back-arching fuck scene, you would rent it too. the best part of netflix or any other non late fee rental plan is that you can rent whatever the fuck you want and send it back as fast as you want. i used to burn every movie because i could, now i just burn the ones i know i will re-watch. and i think thats it. so ya.... would love to hear any arguments against my case. suck my balls. happy friday.

jslut out.


At 7/17/2006 11:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

from Ryan - Very valid point about relying on critics in general to determine whether or not to watch a film. It is, however, useful in looking up movies NOT in the comedy genre that you want to get an overall opinion about. There are many movies that get horrible ratings that are good and vice versa. Its just an interesting thing to look up. btw, you failed to mention that you actually rented Basic Instinct 2 from Netflix. Wonder what that rotten tomatoes is?

At 8/06/2006 1:08 PM, Blogger SK said...

I'm dumbfounded that you're admitting to renting Basic Instinct 2. Despite the reviews...

I was going to defend your entire position, but you kind of shot yourself in the foot with that admission.

I wonder how Rotten Tomatoes rated "To Kill A Mockingbird" or "Citizen Kane"?

Deepest apologies with the roomie situation. The thought of 3 guys living together is...scary.


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