7 Burning Questions with Kim Jong il
Kim Jong il. Enlightened despot? communist dictator who rules with an iron fist? or just a crazy asian polygamist who likes getting his dinkle waxed? american reporters can only hypothesize how he acts out his political stronghold from high atop Kumsusan Palace in the heart of Pyongyang. but our visiting reporter Teeyen Tee got down and dirty with the most nuclearly uncapable ruler in the world to talk of pastimes and the good old days of childhood. (to be read with team america voice in mind)
Hello Kim Jong, thank you for having me.
1. So right now, you have been grouped with Osama binLaden and Sadam Hussein in Bush's euphamism-happy campaign speeches re: axis of evil. do you think this is a fair label?
First i want to say, thank you fow having me. i hear many good things about vicklanta. Eviw? i dont know about all that... my nuclear abiwity should hawdwy be of concern to you amewicans. we would only dwop these bombs on ouw fwiendly and woving neighbors to the south. or china. or japan. all in all lots of asians would die so i dont understand amewican invowvement. but yes, i am eviw. vewwy vewwy eviw.
2. It has been said that you are addicted to the internet. what are some of the things you like to search for out there on the superweb?
Oooh, ya man. the intewnet is gweat! the best part about the wowd wide web is all the titties and vaj shots out theaw. blondes. american cowgiwl. and i am a sucker fo googling victowias secwet stash of granny panties. its an oedipus thing you wouldnt undewstand either.
3. Speaking of oedipus issues, it has been reported that you ordered the assasination of your own mother. care to comment?
Hey, the cwazy bitch had it coming. she used to tease me about my big stwong daddy issues. so when i was about 9 i got my first samuwai swowd and 'cut the chickens head off' if you know what i mean.
4. Does your height play an adverse role in your ability to rule korea?
heyy. you say another fucking ting about my height and you die real fast ok american?
I hear you wear platform shoes right? steve madden or nine west?
do you not speak engwish you fuck? no mow questions about my height!
5. Fine, tell us about your relationship with afghanistan and osama. or saddam and iraq. whichever, its all the same axis of evil right?
Well, i suppowt osamas cause as if it were my cause. fucking westewn amewicans and their economy ruining asia. but one time for saddams kids biwfday i went out to a huge pawace pawty in Usay's honor. i thought i held the weigns on nice amewican blonde girls, but those guys know how to extort! the hookah room is still a bluw, but i wemember giving someone a blumpkin and usay taking a digi picture of it. i know i have it here somewhew.
6. It has also been reported that you have an enormously large.... IQ. why do all asians have big IQs?
I guess it has to do with a few factows. When i was a child i took kumon. Its a way to dwill math and science into a child so they will gwow up stwong and resiwient. you amewicans have vewwy lawge penis. we koweans have extwemewy small penis. so small. you amewican wives must like very large amewican penis. our wives dont like how teeny tiny ours are. so so small.
7. I am just going to name some american celebrities and you tell me achya or nish nish.
Paris/Nicky Hilton - achya. i would tie them to my bed and bamboo shoot their asses.
Pamela Anderson - achya. blonde amewican women are twophies to me.
Lucy Liu - nish nish. i aweady have all the asian women i want.
Madeline Albright - woooah. niiish niiish. i have met her up close. she has a 'stache my friend.
Shortly after this interview occurred, kim jong il reniged on his promise to allow freedom of press to print the story. As the reporter was being chased through the streets of north korea, he was able to convince an american tourist to sneak the transcript through his anal cavity- 'lemmiwinks' style- back into america. Teeyen Tee was mysteriously found drowned in his hotel bath tub after overdosing on opiates.