Thursday, October 05, 2006

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Jewish Jersey Moms

Even though its already Thursday, and Yom Kippur was this past sunday/monday, i had some thoughts written down about my ixperience and general thoughts this year. for those of you who dont know, yom kippur is the jewish day of atonement. unlike catholics who get to pray for their sins each sunday, jews have a mega-day where they starve themselves and repent all day in synagogue. if i had to do it once a week, i dont think i could stick to my guns. i mean its hard enough having to fill out a fucking TPS report every week, plus monthly reports, plus quarterly reports and yearly reviews for work... if i had to then remember each weekly sin i would be fucked. no no, trust me, the once a year resolving sins thing is way better.

i gotta tell ya, it feels awesome waking up the day after yom kippur... its like the all clear signal from god that you did in fact make it through the year and were forgiven for all the naughty behavior.

this year, i went to jonnys cousins house up in OTP for the food. i was re-reading through vicklanta and apparently 2 years ago she had NAME TAGS where people were supposed to sit. that is ludicrous... this year, we got there early and there was an open seat to my left. fate was smiling on me that night, because the jewish jersey mom got to sit next to me.

as some of you may have met my mother, you know that she encapsulates all the general stereotypes about this special breed of jewish women. i will say that she has slowly let the kentucky seep into her lifestyle, but deep down she has her jersey jew instincts if they are called upon. like if her car needs repair. or if she needs to return something unreturnable. or if the waitress calls her huuuunny. my mom flips on that jersey shit like its 2nd nature and takes someones head clean off.

after listening to this particular jewish mom bitch about her lazy ass son who hasnt filled out his college apps and still has to re-take his SAT, i realized i would have definitely gone to IU (indiana) if it wasnt for my mom. to say that she did all the worrying about where i would go to college is an understatement. she did everything except write the essays and take the tests.

and now that i am in the last stage of jewish motherhood upbringing, i would like to share with you the timeline of a jewish jersey moms relationship with her kids.

when you are a little curler and you havent set foot in a hostile environment (read: middle school) you dont know what the world has to offer. your views and life is shaped by your parents, and in this case, there are a few certain truths i was forced to live by. most of the rules are related to food. like i still dont eat box mac and cheese, still dont put mayo on sandwiches, still dont eat ham or dirty sausage, no sprayable-from-a-can cheese, no babyback ribs, etc. i was also subject to constant nagging, like cleaning my room, doing all my homework shit, pressure to make good grades, having to read books not for my pleasure. now these things sound normal but trust me, with a jersey mom behind the helm you get nagged til no end.

basically my whole life before college, my mother was just building up her nag/stress factor. when it was time for me to start applying for college, the stress reached its peak and realized itself in the form of loud screaming matches and big ass fights for no reason.

i had to leave for college to officially start the cool down period. since i didnt have to ever see the folks unless i came home, i was free to explore the world outside of these nagging bitching eyes. i still got hassled about grades and what i am going to major in, but who gives a fuck... she was 400 miles away. the cooling period was necessary to our relationship ever recovering from previously stated fights.

when i graduated from college, her attitude switched into this stagnant flatline of stress and nagging. i needed to get a real job asap, what did i want to do with my life, general arguments like that. but i was still not home, so no constant bitching... just the sunday weekly call.

once i got a real job, i think my mom was officially done nagging me. like, she finally realized its out of her hands. full chill mode. now i voluntarily call her when i need to, and she calls me, and there are no fights. we get along better now than ever before.

as i tried to explain this to the jersey jewish mom sitting next to me, she wouldnt hear any of it. all she knew was her son was a fuck up and she wanted him to take the fucking test and get in the fucking school and get the fuck out of the house already. listening to that accent, that voice, watching the eye rolls and shaking of head while talking down to everyone, gave me great comfort. i remember when i was that little shithead and my mom and i were at war.

now its all quiet on the western front. if i could only find a jersey girl i can stand for 5 minutes maybe the cycle would re-start with my fam. but for now, i take comfort in knowing my jewish jersey mom has morphed into southern chill mom and anytime she is about to get naggy or bitchy with me, she instead just repeats the phrase: "im done, im done, im done. do whatever you want."

its niiice, i like.
sorry, one more thing... check out this link, read the last entry, that explains a lot... and then check out all your other teachers.


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