Friday, June 11, 2004

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Mullet Hunting

If you are ever on vacation, a concert, a gas station, and you are drunk, high, bored, there is one sport in this world that you can remain competitive no matter where or under the influence of whatever drugs. And that sport, my friends, is mullet hunting. if you google mullet, it returns 400,000 responses. Mullets, which were recently moved off the endangered species list, can sometimes be the sexiest hunting youll ever do. I remember my first mullet....

I was 10. My mother had stopped for gas and gave me money to go pay inside. I head to the counter and the most toothless, septic tank bathing, varmint of a man says to me is dat yer curr? what? isdat chur car? i couldnt answer, i couldnt even understand. i was mesmerized.... crunchy curls up front, long in the back, short on the sides? no way. no one would ever give THEMSELVES that style, right? oh but how wrong i was. little did i know, its been going on for years....

I can understand if where you are from doesnt issue mullet hunting permits. But in kentucky, where i am from, mullet hunting is similar to fish in a barrel. at the casinos, at the horse track, at the outlet malls, at the ford truck plant.... anywhere there could be some white trash, therein lies a mullet waiting to be found. They have all different varieties of mullets here.

Mullatinos Femullets Mullhawks
Mullatinos Femulletsmullhawks

When you do decide to go mullet hunting, make sure not to get too close. If a mullatino engages in conversation or worse, drinking tequila with his hunter, the consequences are catastrophic. your hair will lose it shimmer. your teeth definitely fall out. you start fixing up hogs and trannys on grand am coupes. your once acceptable obsession for smart women in tight packages is replaced by femullet chicks who love to open beer cans with their teeth and eat funnel cakes and pork rinds no matter what time of day. your house is sold so you can grab up one of them houses you see on the highway that is cut in half with the words WIDE LOAD on the back. hu hu, wide load, thats cool.

Mullets are a crazy species. They should have been taken out years ago in the coked out, strung out, "hair band" days of poison/def leppard/cinderella/warrant. Unfortunately, the mullet people adapt to whatever musical, or socio economical situation they find themselves in. No one is safe. Because who knows, your kid might have one too.

Hunt the Mullet. Fear the Mullet. Beware the Mullet.


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