Welcome to Vicklanta

Falcons

2011-10-27T20:34:00.001-05:00

Let's Go Harry D! Getting the start over Julio Jones (injury)

Got to go to the Packers vs ATL game, and we had pre-game sideline passes.

Twas the shiznit.

Bracket Busters 2

2011-03-21T09:44:00.001-05:00

See below, same shit as last year... Louisville choked (bad matchup, no preston, no siva for majority of game). Bracket is all fucked. Does anyone read Vicklanta anymore? sorry you had to wait a whole year for nothing substantial :)

Bracket Busters!!

2010-03-26T08:51:00.003-05:00

Well obviously the Ville didnt do shit this year...

but my bracket is totally fucked. the entire left side (thanks kansas,syracuse) is toast.

even if it comes down to ky duke in the final 4, i cannot win any more points past that.

once again, i watch hours of big east hoops just to see them choke and go down in flames post-season. should have listened to bilas!

Falcons

2009-09-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

No Mike Vick, Mattlanta is the new Vicklanta.

I also hate Matty Ice as a nickname. So weak.

Damn you Vickadelphia, damn you.

Pirate Flu

2009-04-27T13:47:00.003-05:00

The pirate flu sweeping Africa must be stopped! Seriously, can't we do something about this rampant problem? Until a Fellowship of the Pirate is formed by the top naval nations, our lands and seas will fall into darkness.

Blackbeard and Jack Sparrow must be rolling over in their graves given the high amount of booty these pirates collect. Weapons, treasure, microchips, white people... yarrr this be a fine take today. Of course the 21st century pirates don't actually talk like this, its more like derka derka click cluck cluck derka der. and they dont have beards, rotted teeth, and live by a pirate code.. its more like tattered clothes, emaciated frames, and west nile virus.

The Pirate Flu must be stopped in its tracks. Gunshots to the face seem the only way to remedy the situation...

Matt Ryan is Aiiight

2008-10-28T20:41:00.000-05:00

I know he has a winning record, I know the wins have been exciting, and I know we got robbed last week in what could have been another 2-minute drill where we actually catch balls and win games. But i am still not ready to give Mattlanta my 100% approval quite yet. If he is supposed to be the franchise player to replace Mike Vick, lets see how he stands at the end of the year.

And now, pictures of our beatdown in freezing cold Wisconsin!.....
(more to come later)

poker

2008-04-28T22:58:00.002-05:00

i am not really playing too much poke-her anymore, but i happen to have played 3 times in the past 2 weeks. won a tourney that was $20 buy-ins and $20 re-buy/re-loads. came out +220 in that one. took that cheddar and played the next night, bought in for 200 and cashed out for 300. then i just played in the same tourney again tonight, and lost $20. if a train is travelling at 40 mph towards you right now, how much loot is that?

+300 is the answer.

spartans.... ahh oooh, ahh oooh, ahh oooh.

Sorry Yall

2008-01-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

Can't really post for long now, just to give you an update:

Things that are different
- I have a girlfriend
- I do not gamble on sports or play poker anymore
- The Falcons situation is terrible

Things that are the same
- I still play video games
- I still heart the Louisville Cardinals
- I still have a thirst for Jack Daniels
- I still pound herbal vitamins and nutrients

PLEASE DON'T DEADER THIS BLOG!

IM With Jim

2007-07-24T22:10:00.000-05:00

Props to anyone who can possibly translate the following IM conversation into proper english. Your grades will be assessed if you comment and tell me what in the hell this means. jim is not a real jim, his name is jim in this case to protect the innocent jims out there. jim.

jim : serpie
shoobie : yo gurrl
jim : did u call
jim : girl
shoobie : mhm
jim : i didn't listen to your message
shoobie : guy
jim : what up
shoobie : lo
shoobie : no gret
jim : I can't girl
shoobie : guy
shoobie : girl
jim : a little drunk
shoobie : mm
shoobie : vino?
jim : yes sir
shoobie : nicee

A New Internet Time-Wasting Game: Walnuts.

2007-06-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

Hello to all who would ever check this thing out. i have decided to post this because spontaneously i tried something funny and had no one to tell because yayayan is in the motherland for 2 weeks. it involves google tools, asians, and a sense of humor. if you cannot deal with those three things all at once, please close the browser. ok? spoiler alert, this is for the jokesters.

after you play the game, i would like you to COMMENT to the blog how long you played, whether it catch hot fire like monopoly back in the (60's? who cares) sixties, or if you just try it once... copy paste funny ones. please. danks.

Here is how you play Walnuts:

Step 1) For your first time, just copy paste an email into the Google Translator and make the settings for English to Chinese(Traditional) BETA. (should do it automatically)

Step 2) Click Translate. Then Copy the entire text. Then go back and do the same steps for Chinese to English.

You want WINGNUT?!!?! = 你想胡桃? = You want to walnuts?
-------------------------------------------
i dont know what to say, other than lets get past the awkward 'why doesn't shoobie write anymore' phase. blazin.

(this is for you buddy, since i think youll have the most fun with the new game.)

Worst. Sports Announcer. Ever.

2006-12-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

Can anyone on Earth argue against the fact that the worst sports announcer ever is Bryant Gumbel?

i just found this link while surfing
Its bad enough that the NFL Network is barely picked up in any states. They choose of all people Bryant Gumbel & insert sucker who sold his sportscaster soul here to call their HUGE important Thursday night games. By huge and important i mean these:
Thursday, Nov. 23-Chiefs 19, Broncos 10 (billed to be a big kickoff for the AFC West. Now these teams are barely clinging to playoff hopes. i dont think either will get in)
Thursday, Nov. 30-Bengals 13, Ravens 7 (nice score. this was a defensive battle royal. these 2 were a good call)
Thursday, Dec. 7-Steelers 27, Browns 7 (usually a huge local rivalry, these teams were already dead in december)
Thursday, Dec. 14-49ers 24, Seahawks 14 (a huge win for SF that means nothing because they are mid grade. everyone hates the seahawks except people in seattle.)
Saturday, Dec. 16-Cowboys 38, Falcons 28 (ya ya, we lost. but i would rather talk about the sportscasters for this broadcast below...keep reading)
Thursday, Dec. 21 / 8:00 p.m. ET-Vikings vs. Packers
Saturday, Dec. 23 / 8:00 p.m. ET-Chiefs vs. Raiders
Saturday, Dec. 30 / 8:00 p.m. ET-Giants vs. Redskins

anyway back to Bryant Gumball. when i have 25 people over to my place. open bar. beers were flowing. bbq was rolling. everyone was getting crunk. we turn on the HDank TV. Falcons Cowboys. billed to be a huge win for the wildcard. the only good sportscaster for the NFL network (mentioned above), Chris Collinsworth, was MIA from this game. so they pick of all people Dick Vermeil.

if dick could lay off the stogies, people would actually enjoy listening to him call a football game
nothing against Dick (choo knows i hate the Chiefs) but he sounded like he had just smoked a box of macanudos. the game sound is so, so horrible. bryant gumbel's squeaky voice, complete monotone and lack of excitement, only call the exact stat-line and add nothing valuable in terms of stats, facts, good trivia, things you can get an intern to data mine, etc. so at halftime they pulled this mother fucking dick vermeil off the air. and now, the party of drunk fans i.e. Thirsty Mike, were left with crapass bryant scrumballs and neon deion and some other dude to call the 2nd half. at which time the falcons ate it big on saturday night football.

i think the main thing to remember from all of this is: if bryant gumbel could speak without pissing everyone off, that channel might rival the other sportscasters. until they fire my man bryant gumbel and stick him behind the stock market watch channel, or the CPA all day channel, or any other channel where the bulk of listeners dont care if he drones on and on, the NFL Network Thursday night games will continue to lick balls. thank you and have happy holidays and a happy new year.

ps-- christians, i just have to bash one thing a year as a jew on christmas. giant yard snow globes are insane. seriously? why do you buy them. is it the commercials? the one where they went to home depot and couldnt remember its name. giant snow globe. ya thats it. no... its not. its tacky as hell yall. pardon the pun, but i have to burst your bubbles. peace.

I Promise One Day I'll Be Back

2006-12-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

but until then, check out my adobe skills. inspired by scarface from half baked. this picture was taken by an ajc photographer AND run on the front page of the AJC. they decided 'the story' was 'the finger', so they rolled with it despite many other media outlets fuzzing it out. me and thirsty mike still have faith, possibly the only ones left. 3 more games, 3 more shots. mike vick gon rock tha dome.

(rollover with mouse to see real pic)

Nick Greenwell Dedication Page

2006-10-16T15:05:00.000-05:00

Attention. Attention. Have there been any Nick Greenwell sitings in the past 2 years? His spontaneous run-ins with Barboza in Ohio and various other gamblers along the Mississippi coastline have run dry, forcing me to create this page. Hopefully anyone who googles Nick Greenwell or is trying to find Nick Greenwell will eventually google Nick Greenwell and hit up this page. Then you can share your Nick Greenwell stories, quips, what have you.

In all seriousness, i am hoping that eventually Nick Greenwell himself sees this page and reads this important message. Greenwell, everyone misses you man. All of ATL is less exciting without the greenwell presence. since youve vanished, xbox has released an entire new HD system to scream and play Halo on late into the night. Another world cup has flown by, but this time the US networks actually showed the games on additional channels instead of having to be cracked out at 4 am and going to Brewhouse Cafe to view. The Cincy Bengals are actually a good team. 8 burrito chains have opened since Torts closed shop. Fred and Cowboy Mouth have come to ATL 6 times at least. Dispatch broke up!

There are several things that will never change. Sta VonGiggler is still a big balla, porsche and all. i still take herbal suppliments daily. weenie roasts happen every weekend with our crew of dudes. we still go to neighbors and drink $6 patron shots. there is still a soft seat for a 1-2 no limit game anytime you want, and in another game we still play 3-5-7 and follow the queen high lo declare.

Greenwell, whenever you read this, think about making some sort of contact with ATL people. I guarantee you the next adventure you want to go on, youd have a good 10-20 people going wherever YOU want us to. DJ Skanciel has taken over as group leader and commands all old cheefees to the destination of his liking-- NYE in NYC, Vegas, Cali road trips. All adventures have been missing the crucial component.... the Monkey Dance. No one in the crew can swing their arms and body so wide that they resemble a monkey dancing in the ocean with hot emory bitches on MTV Spring Break.

Holler back if you arrive at this page searching for Nick Greenwell. Last known contact was a random-ass email a year ago asking a computer science coding question. Anyone? Anyone? Help find Nick Greenwell and return him to his older forms of pomp and glory. Thank you that is all.

Nick Greenwell, Nick Greenwell, Nick Greenwell, Nick Greenwell. ok now that is all.

Jewish Jersey Moms

2006-10-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

Even though its already Thursday, and Yom Kippur was this past sunday/monday, i had some thoughts written down about my ixperience and general thoughts this year. for those of you who dont know, yom kippur is the jewish day of atonement. unlike catholics who get to pray for their sins each sunday, jews have a mega-day where they starve themselves and repent all day in synagogue. if i had to do it once a week, i dont think i could stick to my guns. i mean its hard enough having to fill out a fucking TPS report every week, plus monthly reports, plus quarterly reports and yearly reviews for work... if i had to then remember each weekly sin i would be fucked. no no, trust me, the once a year resolving sins thing is way better.

i gotta tell ya, it feels awesome waking up the day after yom kippur... its like the all clear signal from god that you did in fact make it through the year and were forgiven for all the naughty behavior.

this year, i went to jonnys cousins house up in OTP for the food. i was re-reading through vicklanta and apparently 2 years ago she had NAME TAGS where people were supposed to sit. that is ludicrous... this year, we got there early and there was an open seat to my left. fate was smiling on me that night, because the jewish jersey mom got to sit next to me.

as some of you may have met my mother, you know that she encapsulates all the general stereotypes about this special breed of jewish women. i will say that she has slowly let the kentucky seep into her lifestyle, but deep down she has her jersey jew instincts if they are called upon. like if her car needs repair. or if she needs to return something unreturnable. or if the waitress calls her huuuunny. my mom flips on that jersey shit like its 2nd nature and takes someones head clean off.

after listening to this particular jewish mom bitch about her lazy ass son who hasnt filled out his college apps and still has to re-take his SAT, i realized i would have definitely gone to IU (indiana) if it wasnt for my mom. to say that she did all the worrying about where i would go to college is an understatement. she did everything except write the essays and take the tests.

and now that i am in the last stage of jewish motherhood upbringing, i would like to share with you the timeline of a jewish jersey moms relationship with her kids.

when you are a little curler and you havent set foot in a hostile environment (read: middle school) you dont know what the world has to offer. your views and life is shaped by your parents, and in this case, there are a few certain truths i was forced to live by. most of the rules are related to food. like i still dont eat box mac and cheese, still dont put mayo on sandwiches, still dont eat ham or dirty sausage, no sprayable-from-a-can cheese, no babyback ribs, etc. i was also subject to constant nagging, like cleaning my room, doing all my homework shit, pressure to make good grades, having to read books not for my pleasure. now these things sound normal but trust me, with a jersey mom behind the helm you get nagged til no end.

basically my whole life before college, my mother was just building up her nag/stress factor. when it was time for me to start applying for college, the stress reached its peak and realized itself in the form of loud screaming matches and big ass fights for no reason.

i had to leave for college to officially start the cool down period. since i didnt have to ever see the folks unless i came home, i was free to explore the world outside of these nagging bitching eyes. i still got hassled about grades and what i am going to major in, but who gives a fuck... she was 400 miles away. the cooling period was necessary to our relationship ever recovering from previously stated fights.

when i graduated from college, her attitude switched into this stagnant flatline of stress and nagging. i needed to get a real job asap, what did i want to do with my life, general arguments like that. but i was still not home, so no constant bitching... just the sunday weekly call.

once i got a real job, i think my mom was officially done nagging me. like, she finally realized its out of her hands. full chill mode. now i voluntarily call her when i need to, and she calls me, and there are no fights. we get along better now than ever before.

as i tried to explain this to the jersey jewish mom sitting next to me, she wouldnt hear any of it. all she knew was her son was a fuck up and she wanted him to take the fucking test and get in the fucking school and get the fuck out of the house already. listening to that accent, that voice, watching the eye rolls and shaking of head while talking down to everyone, gave me great comfort. i remember when i was that little shithead and my mom and i were at war.

now its all quiet on the western front. if i could only find a jersey girl i can stand for 5 minutes maybe the cycle would re-start with my fam. but for now, i take comfort in knowing my jewish jersey mom has morphed into southern chill mom and anytime she is about to get naggy or bitchy with me, she instead just repeats the phrase: "im done, im done, im done. do whatever you want."

its niiice, i like.
========================
sorry, one more thing... check out this link, read the last entry, that explains a lot... and then check out all your other teachers.

The Gov is Sooo Slooow

2006-10-03T08:15:00.000-05:00

article

This country's government runs soooo slooowly. it took them almost 6 years to catch on to a politician luring young boys into his chambers. if you have been reading vicklanta since its opening days, then you heard this story back on 9/28/2004 (reference #6-- just to clear the air here, he didnt actually fuck the guy. but representative foley definitely was sending him naughty emails all summer).

more later....

MySpace is Like So Corporate Now...

2006-09-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

(that was to be read in the inner voice of a barely 18 year old girl)

the first thing i thought about when the blog came back into existence was what has happened out in the world since my constant posting. i mean, a ton of shit has changed a ton, and some shit hasnt changed at all. the fact that i still pound nugey is undisputed, but the quality of the nuj has really improved in Atown. getting some urple cali haze in this joint. i still gamble on sports and my 4-0 cardinals and my soon to be 3-0 falcons, but never had i sat in the leather comfort of a sports book in las vegas on any day, let alone week 1 of college football kickoffs. on a side note-- i won in everything but poker. craps. roullette. sports. the dollar wheel. ha. just not poker. wtf is up with that. asian sluts at poker tables really hurt my game.

one of the top things i have noticed is how much Myspace has blown up in the past year. now before you go getting crazy on me for talking about something everyone knows, i want to say that i have been a member for three years. and when i joined it was because sarah r told me to join and she had been on there forever already. here is something maybe you unintuitive bastards dont know. if you go to view all your friends, not the top 8-64 part, but view all... your friends are listed in order of how long theyve been a member. thats why tom is always #1 unless youre a coldhearted prick like i am and delete tom first thing. you arent my friend tom. youre just a means to an end. for him, myspace was a means to an end of ever having to work again. for me, myspace is and ends to doing the most mind numbing thing i can think of (browsing for hot snootch) while avoiding the most mind numbing thing i can think of (doing actual work).

now dont get me wrong, a lot of people use myspace for good. dragging a 14 year old boy to bed. meeting up for a big pornstar gangbang in the 'KY Jelly Fanclub Group'. making a funny fake profile that imitates your friend. adding everyone as your friend so you now have 672 friends with fake tans and 8packs. putting in the cheesiest 'Spirit Fingers' glittery flashy gif files 820x760 because it looks liiike sooo cooool but totally fucks up the entire page. connecting with old high school buddies who try to add you as a friend when you could give a fuck about them. declaring that you are in the Generation X cusp because youre young enough to have myspace but old enough to NOT have Facebook. in old-timer denial. announcing some self-promoting thing to all your friends in the desperate hope that they read their message board. sending out a retarted survey to other people more bored at work than you. (any others? add them to comments)

another thing that happened was definitely a first in the reality show tv span of history. now you may be able to prove me wrong here, but i think the first full fledged retard finally won a reality series. if any of you funny bastards watched last comic standing, you know the early money was definitely Chris with the fro. i mean come on, my karma was all over that dudes face. but in the end, when the girls cat-scratched each other off early, and the unfunniest dudes were eliminated, Josh Blue the retarted guy won out with a bang. i mean he is fucking funny as hell... if you are ok with laughing at a retard. the best thing is he's cool with it, he loves to crack on himself... a critique i have is thats all he does, no other routine. but he is fucking funny. still- the funniest comedian to ever come off that show was Ralphie May. homie is hilarious. best dvd stand up by a 'newcomer' by far.

sackhil apparently still surfs the net at 2:40 am. nice to hear limewire is getting their fair share of porn traffic. youre the kinda porn downloader who allows your computer to download a max of 20 files but youll only share a folder with the 'matrix 3 reloaded', 'adventures in babysitting', and 'star wars uncut edition' in it and allow one person to upload. desi bastards.

i just went to my first nerd convention. no, not talking about dragoncon. not talking about the blockbuster party for the star wars release party of the original unedited restored to 1980s formatting vhs release. i went to a free microsoft event for .net developers that they hold every month. it was in phipps plaza, so you could potentially catch a free flick. they gave popcorn, drinks, cd-roms, a 4-hour training, and all the fucking dorks you could cram into one space. i mean it, chock full of huge tools. i saw maybe 2 girls, and i have to say i saw through 2 girls, maybe 60% indian, 15% asian, still repping that 25% white boys. dorky white boys. the tools like tom ryan and adam ullrich man. bigguns. swear to god saw a wookie shirt in real life.

shout outs. to jj, the furthest away reader who bitched when the tragic events of vicklanta going bust was announced-- convince sensei to get the next trip in korea and i guarantee you 20 ballers will go. to amber, whom i never thanked for the css reply. stickyaltfoot still doesnt work for me, but thanks for the link. to yayan, who has been like a ghost these past 2 weeks... killing kitties has been a whole new level of pleasure, and pain. to naoum who is by far my most enthusiastic reader. to dwellis, my fantasy nightmare and herbal enhancer all at the same time. to mike vick, for being so good at winning games. rock that dome brother. to thongs, for sticking out for a little peek at the world and enticing so many men into staring at you. to the rebbe, who should organize a trip to brasil. to reba, who alleges that she will be attending a beer festival in Atown down. to cops3y, what up nigga whatchu been doin. to the tampa bay bucs, thanks for going 0-3 and losing a spleen. to MNF, see ya soon lil guy.

Vicklanta.Com is Back

2006-09-22T21:06:00.000-05:00

OK i finally resolved my subdomain and lost blog issues... it was a real hassle, but blogspot finally responded to my requests. See ya soon.

Profiting From an American Tragedy

2006-08-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

In case you can't tell, i might be delving into one of my most hated conversational topics of all times.... politics. now i am not going to sit here and write a long entry regarding how enron and companies like my current employer and Lockheed definitely profit from things such as a war on terror, wars in afghanistan, or any other topic with so many ins and outs and what have yous that i couldn't possibly be informed about. i have no clue why we are still fighting and i have no clue what the future holds in that region. i am not pissed about the war over there, in fact i have zero opinion and wish to remain totally pacifist/passive agressive in my opinions on shit like that.

Last night yan was debating/arguing that he wanted to see World Trade Center when it comes out in theaters all across the country, perhaps the world, next week on August 9. (Notice how it comes out on Wednesday, so they can boost their opening weekend box office results) I argued that I had no interest in seeing it, specifically because i would have to pay $9 and the money would be going into people's pockets, not to charity. I guess it goes further than that.... i dont want to sit in a theater with 300 of my unclosest friends to re-live those events, i would personally rather rent the movie at home and watch with my own critical me against the world perspective. also, i argued, this would give the least amount of money possible to the fucktwats who thought it was cool to break the under-5-year buffer of such a catastrophic event.

since we were high on marijuana, it was probably not a very good idea to argue our points. So today i have constructed a more formal argument for why Hollywood is fucking ridiculous. As Vinny Chase put it on Entourage this weekend, "Hollywood only cares about one thing: money"

The first set of films regarding this tragedy were mostly documentaries. The directors (mostly indie, small-time) took some aspect of the attacks they wanted to portray and told a story. For example, on PBS, there have been quite a few movies that try to tackle the topic:
- Heroes of Ground Zero (link)
- Looking Back, Moving Forward (link)
- Faith and Doubt at Ground Zero (link)

In case you think these movies somehow made money, they didnt. PBS accepts donations from viewers and receives money from the government to re-invest in public interest in television programming. They are not a rich station and do not profit from releasing their movies to the big screen or to DVD.

HBO released a documentary, In Memoriam: New York City. Any and all profits from this movie were donated to 9/11 funds (article)

The First 24 Hours is another documentary purchased by HBO that was all for charity. It raised $100,000 for the Twin Towers Orphan Fund, which helps children whose parents were lost that day. (link)

Now we get to the big films. The Hollywood blockbusters. The films with big budgets. Big profits. Big expectations. The first blockbuster that really dealt with 9/11 was appropriately titled Fahrenheit 9/11. Michael Moore, the guy everyone loves to hate, pushed out this movie despite Disney threatening to can it and not release it. I wont get into conspiracies why they would shut this controversial man up, but eventually the movie was released to the big screen. I am actually ok with the donations from this movie... i mean 60% of profits means that 40% gets split a ton of different ways.... hardly any individual profited tremendously from the making of this flick.

The budget for this flick: $6,000,000
Opening weekend in the US: $23,920,637/June 27, 2004/(868 Screens)
Gross after 4 months: $119,194,771
Donations: Due to an agreement between Walt Disney Co. and Miramax Films, roughly 60% of the net profit generated by the film will be donated to charity.

The next film is a documentary, Answering the Call: Ground Zero's Volunteers. It tells the story of the actual volunteers, no big movie stars to play roles, no scripted drama, just real life stories. Even though it was a low budget film, it was released to theaters.
Donations: Net proceeds from the 2005 theatrical release of this film benefited the Leary Firefighters Foundation, created by actor Denis Leary.

Now it gets shaky... documentaries are one thing. even blockbuster documentaries that touch on 9/11 but arent the sole focus of the film are controversial- but still ok. somewhere along the line a hollywood exec green lighted the making of a massive blockbuster movie, United 93.

The budget for this flick: $15,000,000
Opening weekend in the US: $11,478,360/April 30, 2006/(1,795 Screens)
Gross after 6 weeks: $31,471,430
Donations: The filmmakers donated a percentage of the opening weekend proceeds to the Flight 93 memorial near Shanksville, Pennsylvania. The actual amount donated turned out to be $1.15 million.

Users writing in: (CNN link)

And last but not least, next week's World Trade Center. Obviously no idea how much it will make, but the budget was $60,000,000. Oliver Stone. Nicolas Cage. Stephen Dorff. sounds like an excellent hollywood blockbuster sure to capture the emotion and trouble that affects us as americans every day. and oh my god, Oliver Stone has offered to donate 10% of the opening weekend's ticket sales to charity! no one else has chimed in that donations will be given from this movie.

Link to another smart mother fucker like me: (Link)
Link to someone with the right message, wrong means: (Link)

These are all examples of how different directors, producers, writers, and filmmakers decided to approach the 9/11 tragedy. Although all of them capture the emotions and feelings of a variety of different people affected by 9/11, one thing is for sure... Hollywood is going to make a fuckton of money on this new release next week. I argue that it is too soon to be making blockbuster hits about this event. Jonnys counterpoint was movies like Schindlers List and Saving Private Ryan have the same connotation... but i think the events, although already 5 years old, are still too tender and fresh in our minds to be exploiting for profits and gain.

The movies about WWII are probably still controversial in that generation's minds... but for the young, we need to see movies like that to remember what happened and see all that has been accomplished since then. But movies about a horrible event that is not even 5 years old does not need to be re-told in such a shameful, profiteering, glamorous way. Sure the real characters gave their blessing, and even if they didnt, was it going to stop the Hollywood machine? I will not be supporting this movie in the theaters and stick to my original argument, it is too sensitive to see in a huge theater with tons of people who interpret it in different ways. I will be renting it privately and coming to terms with it on my own. This will also accomplish the goal of giving all the suits involved in this movie the least possible amount of profit they can squeeze out of me.

Comments or arguments are greatly welcomed.

Rotten Tomatoes

2006-07-14T11:38:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, hope youre all having an excellent week.

recently a buddy, stats mcgiggler, has been living in the 3rd bedroom, looking for a new place. he was in nyc for a project so he sold his old place and all his shit, now he is back and its allegedly a temporary situation. you may know him from 'How to Be a Straight Baller'.

with any three roomie situation, there are bound to be fights. its inevitable, right? 2 is the perfect number because you know if you didnt take out the trash or do the dishes the last time, its your turn. as soon as a 3rd person moves into the place, all hell breaks loose and no one takes ANY responsibility. since i am a pacifist, a lot of unwanted, unchecked agression is sent my way. like i dont use any dishes, opting for takeout and easily trashable meals... these guys use 2 plates and 2 forks and a knife for every meal.... but i get blamed for dishes not getting done. also i am the easiest scapegoat for the copious amounts of mj we smoke, even though these 2 lazy stoner fucks are always the ones suggesting the sessions.

so besides the ridiculous hypotheticals, the petty arguments, and the heated lame ass exchanges, the biggest thing i get ragged on for is movie selection. since i am a netflix whore, i am the one who has a constant stream of releases coming through the mail. here is a typical exchange amongst me, jonnycakes, and stats.

me: got a few new flix tonight yall
jonny: oh im sure its fucking shitty if you got it.... what is it?
me: kiss kiss bang bang, i heard its supposed to be good. netflix recommended it.
stats: sounds weak
jonny: why even watch it, we know it sucks.

then one of these two nerds decides to get on their laptops and check the All Knowing, All Telling website rottentomatoes.com.

jonny: oh man it got an 83
stats: oh good i guess we can watch it now
me: shut the fuck up its already starting

no thats not the end of the story...

for some smart intelligent crafty people, these two are total fucking idiots when it comes to movie watching. why in the fuck would you rely on a website of movie critics across the country for your movie selection? why would you bag a movie before youve watched it in full? or at least watch until you get to such a ridiculous scene that as a group, you decide to turn it off. personally, i think the only way to be a real critic is to watch it for yourself and decide for yourself.... but these two pricks would rather check out that website and let it decide for them.

since i am trying to form somewhat of a cohesive argument, i have some pretty good examples. now if youre a 45 year old or a 15 year old, we may disagree. hey we're at different points in our lives and the age gap is just too great for us to agree on the same things. obviously on rottentomatoes there are movies that everyone agrees are excellent, both professional critics and general users. but i have found some serious cases of why you should NOT use rottentomatoes as the end all guide to what movies you decide to watch. and here we go....

Comedies
obviously people have the most difference of opinion when it comes to funny things. like some people actually think kathy griffin is funny. or gilbert godfried. or the three stooges. or british people. unfortunately you and i will not see eye to eye on this section.

I queried comedies from the 90s and 2000s that were 30% or under. in other words, rotten movies. check out the dissension amongst critics vs real people.

Movie	Critics %	Users %
Van Wilder	17	45
Half Baked	25	65
Wet Hot American Summer	31	72
Waiting...	31	59
Nacho Libre	35	55
Super Troopers	36	68
Meet the Fockers	38	62

Just for the record, Stepford Wives is listed as a 26.... if stepford wives is better than Half Baked i should shoot myself in the face right now.

Another pattern i found was that certain actors, especially SNL actors, get bagged on bigtime for making shitty movies. The biggest tomato out there is Adam Sandler, whose comedies are hilarious.....

SNL Movies	Critics %	Users %
Dirty Work	17	75
The Ladies Man	10	60
Billy Madison	40	72
Happy Gilmore	53	78
Mr. Deeds	23	44
Old School	59	79
Wedding Singer	56	73

I dont know why people dont think Deeds is funny... but look at the cult following on Norm MacDonald's one movie.... thats a 58% difference. Next up is Jack Black movies....

Jack Black Movies	Critics %	Users %
School of Rock	90	90
Saving Silverman	16	70
Orange County	49	75
Nacho Libre	35	55

ok, i know not everyone likes this guy, but all 4 of these movies are good and how the fuck can nacho libre get 35 frickin %? makes no sense....

if you like one Kevin Smith movie, you like them all. i mean no one can say oh i love every movie, but not dogma...that one sucked. check out rotten tomatoes ratings of Kevin Smith flicks...

Kevin Smith Movies	Critics %	Users %
Clerks	85	90
Mallrats	58	86
Jay and Silent Bob	53	75
Dogma	67	79
Chasing Amy	93	95

so let me get this straight... chasing amy is the best kevin smith movie that everyone loves, but jay and silent bob, one of the fucking funniest movies out there, gets a 53%. that movie is obviously not rotten in any sense of the word.

so after i looked at comedies, i checked with my netflix queue. i basically went down the list of all the movies i rated 5 stars myself. these are listed in order of difference between critics and users...

Awesome Shoobie Movies	Critics %	Users %
Boondock Saints	20	77
PCU	57	100
Blow	54	92
Boiler Room	65	95
Rounders	70	97
Lock, Stock, 2 Smoking Barrels	71	97
Varsity Blues	39	64
Snatch	74	93
American History X	85	99
Batman Begins	83	94

PCU is a primetime example for my argument. that movie is fucking still funny. huge list of celebs in it: spade, pivens, george clinton, favreau. this is one of the only 100% i have run across and of course the critics gave it a 57. rotten rating. rotten website. rotten idea to ever look at it as a reference for what i should and should not watch.

i am not saying i dont rent shitty movies. i mean "basic instinct 2" got like 9% and i rented it, i can admit it... but if you were 12 when the original one came out and for an entire year all you could think about was sharon stone's naughty back-arching fuck scene, you would rent it too. the best part of netflix or any other non late fee rental plan is that you can rent whatever the fuck you want and send it back as fast as you want. i used to burn every movie because i could, now i just burn the ones i know i will re-watch. and i think thats it. so ya.... would love to hear any arguments against my case. suck my balls. happy friday.

jslut out.

Re-Re-Kick-Off Special Sauce Fo Dat Ass

2006-06-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

Ladies, Gentlemen, Hippies, Schlong-Googlers, Spammers, and Random Internet Traffic alike....

I have just returned from an awesome 2 month vacation from NOT blogging and NOT yapping off at the mouth with lude commentary on the social patterns of this fucked up country and all the crazies that fill it. But I have rested, regained strength of wits and mind, trained with a grand master of literature, climbed the highest mountains in search of my chi, and went skydiving with the madori tribesmen of the valley of shadows.

for the past two months i have been dominating ixxbox 360 with any spare time. ya i will go down and check tivo for like 3 shows a week, and of course no one can pass up a good world cup futbol match in HD, but i took the steady road to videogamer paradise by purchasing a 360, an Aquos HD to play it on, and my own personal bubbler whenever i feel not suped up enough to continue on.

As with any long break from something so creative and amazing and well written and thought provoking as my blog, i have a text message bin full of shit that has been getting at me since i stopped writing in May. you may not believe this but the main reason why i stopped in the first place is because i cracked the lcd screen on my digicam at Derby and never saw a titty anyway. i mean you know the country's culture has changed if you cant see one fucking titty on derby day at churchill downs. and no it wasnt because i was blacked out, legitimately no tits.

So many options for things I want to talk about, just not enough time....

I am the 2% of america that is actually watching the world cup. actually, i just ripped off this stat from somewhere else:

Through eight games as of June 22, ESPN averaged a 1.5 household rating and 1.37 million homes, up 150% and 154%, respectively, compared with the same point during the 2002 World Cup (11 matches averaged a 0.6 and 540,000 homes).The network averaged 1.72 million viewers, up 149% from 690,000 four years ago.

so that is still mad low. first of all the games were at a more reasonable hour, as opposed to 2002 when they were at 3-4 am, maybe 6-7 am. note to jonnycakes: this is a real stat that incites discussion about something important, not your retarted factoid about PK shots almost always going in no matter what. here are some questions i have for people regarding the World Cup.

To The Americans: How did we muck our shit up so badly. even Iraq outshot us in terms of shots on goal. we scored one goal on our own accord. in some sports, we were dominant for years and have now been ousted from our post. in soccer, we have never been dominant and this year we were ranked higher than ever before.... out in the first rounds? insane. we had no hustle or heart the first game, and even when we played our asses off we lose. its a shame, but US sports aint what they used to be.

To The International i.e. Not US Crowd: explain to me why your culture's version of our "BOOOO" sounds like a 4 year old pregnant girl giving birth. everytime you disagree with a call or a delay in game, do you really have to scream "EEEEEEEEE" in the highest pitched tone you can handle? -- it has to be the most obnoxious sound on earth. as far as looking strong goes, i predict a German vs. Brazil game that will hopefully side with the nazis for the win. ya see, i love watching brasil... they are just so nasty with the ball movement skills. but i have actual money riding on Germany. 9-1 if you can fucking believe that. If I call the super bowl winners and the world cup winners this year, i better get some love from the betting gods for NFL season.

To Everyone: Sports are becoming more international than ever before. Can you believe that yesterday, an NBA team drafted an Italian 7'0 monster as the #1 draft pick over all the college stars from last years amazing NCAA pool? the US couldnt win against their counterpart Puerto Rico in a sport they INVENTED. we dipped out of the World Baseball Classic so fast, not to mention the fact that Cuba of all nations who has been opressed for 40 years by the US embargo won it all. you cracy mayn.

Speaking of hispanic shit, I obviously have this years halloween costume all primed and picked out for me:

and for now, thats all i can muster. i have been coding like a bastard at work, and havent gotten suped up with the wakey bakey in almost 3 months. god damn, its been straight hell. but i promise i wont run out of shit to say for at least one more month, maybe two. the thing is i sit on a fucking computer all day at work, the last thing i want to do when i have free time at home is sit on it again.... so take what you will.

i think i am gonna get some of denise's delicious tuna fish sandwich now. i cant get enough of her tuna and she cant get enough of my curly hair. if only she wasnt a lunchlady with 8 teeth, there might be something there. damn, that rhymed. jslut, out.

The Fast Drivers Guild

2006-04-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

My first ixbox 360 purchased game was.... Elder Scrolls IV: The Gates of Oblivion. i will pause for beatings, insults, jokes, cracks, etc. awesome. now i need to defend my decision by pointing out that there arent THAT many options and until the sports packages are in full production mode, i will settle for a one-person fighter/role-playing game all day. suck my balls, i am a nerd. i mean at least i recognize that there are huge nerd elements to this game. first off, you pick what kind of race you are and you start out at level 1 and move through levels as you gain ixperience points. straight up dorky rpg game. but the graphix are sick and the xbox needs to be played with, so its a good match.

in this game, as most nerd games, you can join guilds.

guild (n.) -
1. An association of persons of the same trade or pursuits,
formed to protect mutual interests and maintain standards.
2. A similar association, as of merchants or artisans, in medieval times.

so anyway, in the spirit of the game and how pissed off i continue to get at the ridiculous insanity that is Georgia Driving, i have decided to start my own guild. membership is quite easy to obtain. you just have to comment one good badass driving story or one bad shitty driver experience that has happened to you. then you have to observe the Fast Drivers Guild rules at all times. By-laws can be added in the comments section as well. Without further ado, here is my motto, my credo, my rules of the road, and now my sworn Fast Driver oath.

Fuck Tha Police

2006-04-17T09:21:00.000-05:00

Not two weeks from the entire "wow, ATL cops are cool" ixperience i had, they had to go and fuck it all up by doing the exact shit i praised them for not doing....

on thursday despite the fact that i wanted to play with my warm new box all night, it turns out that poker games still rank higher on the ixpyramid. so after dinner i pack a big fat bowl and roll out to the game (gables rock springs). now the problem is i need cash and the closest, most totally inconvenient route is straight down highland to the wachodia at virginia ave. so i pull onto north highland and get stuck at the ponce light. and of course, a cop rolls up right behind me. then for the entire (important) stretch of highland ave, this cop is behind me. i am going 35, i am braking to check for pedestrians, i am not doing a fucking thing wrong ya know-- and i would never drive this safely....but i saw the cop the whole time.

i signal my blinker to turn left onto virginia ave and mid-turn the cop flicks on the lights. FUCK. so i do the extra left and i am literally right in front of my destination, the wachodia atm. so i am blazed, pulled over, but there isnt a damn thing inside.

i will just interject that being pulled over is the fucking worst. you have no idea what the outcome of the pullover will be and nothing good can usually ever come of it. also even if youre never paranoid on ganj, it is inevitable you will be paranoid as fuck when the cop pulls you over. so basically that means i was talking like in the scared bitch voice.

the black hot lady officer is on my drivers side and she has a dude officer who is rolling up my shotgun side. she asks me to roll the passenger side window down as well. then...
her: wheres your seatbelt my man? (FUCK).
me: oh im sorry about that....
her: so how we doin tonight?
me: doin alright
her: is there anything in this car you want to tell me about?
me: nope
her: so weve been following you all the way down highland, me and officer tall black dude, and we smelled something funny coming out of the car. were you smoking some marijuana or something?
me: no
(meanwhile the other cop has his flashlight out trying to find anything bad in the back seat)
her: let me get your license.

she walks away and so does the other guy. phew, ok, time to think sharp here.... compose yourself. what can she possibly do? jack shit. you were smoking a cig and no cop can smell a bowl you smoked 10 minutes ago. youre cool. cool as a cucum--

her: my man, we know we smelled something coming from your car.
me: listen i live right off of highland. i saw you pull behind me this entire way. i was smoking a cigarette and you know it. i was coming down here to get cash and go home. theres nothing in my car and...(sigh) i dont know what you want me to do.(?)
her: have a good night.

hands me my license and peels off. FUCKING BITCH. and she was hot too. i would have definitely nailed her in any other situation. i mean ive heard of racial profiling, but stoner profiling? what the fuck. first question out of her mouth was about weed? fuck her...

and an answer to toma-- those cool cops never called jonny back about the court thing, so who knows what happened. jonny didnt follow up so i cant follow up. as far as i am concerned, they can all get fucked minus the one cool cop.

so to wrap it all up.... fuck tha police. that is all.

Weekend Crumbs

2006-04-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

Well since i am not going to be very useful for social and pop commentary due to the new gaming device, i figured i could at least pepper you with some funny shit to look at. these are in no particular order, they were generally taken between st. pattys day weekend and this past weekend.
=========================

nascar john was in ATL from the big city spreading his baby batter all over town for st pattys day. luckily, he brought snack foods along the way. the actual reason he had lucky charms was of course to pick up loose women who usually dont even get breakfast the next morning.

that curly headed kid sandwiched between 2 milfs at cjs landing might be me... or it might not. i was definitely the 3rd oldest person there behind these two. every other guy in the house was thinking it, shoobie is the one who stepped up and did it. dwellis can vouch that the blonde was hot... for a mom.

this male model is donning a J Crew jacket, red mesh shorts, house slippers, and a marlboro light. isnt he just really really really ridiculously good looking?

since i am already ripping on him, click on the picture to see the pot calling the kettle black, along with various other shit strewn about my room. for the record, we have a cleaning lady coming every 2 weeks. its the best possible solution for my chronic-ally messy room.

random shot of carnie game central a few weeks ago, sometime around 4 am.

obligatory overhead shot of Cosmo/Lava upstairs VIP party for 4 friends' birthdays. proof of absurdly high bar tab to follow...

jonny gives me the finger. mcgookey shares his 'smug' smell with dwellis, who loves sniffing butt crack. 'ten-thirty' riner gives us his best larry the cable guy look

pop quiz- these two are arguing about the following:

a. eagles vs cowboys outcome in week 5 of the NFL season
b. whether scotch is better to drink or bathe in
c. yuengling vs. sweet tea
d. who won the civil war
e. it doesnt matter since no one can understand

the only thing worth looking at the entire night.. if you think i am talking about alcohol, youre retarded

face has been rubbed out to protect the innocent.

owners name is being withheld, but he is 26 and quite the baller

note to security at work: find me the 7 on the speedometer and i will promise to never drive fast around the property again.

and since we are in a #7 kind of mood, what better way to wrap this all up than to show i smoked a stogie with michael vick. at least... bizarro mike vick. he's actually a janitor. doesnt it look like him?!

We Start Every Round of Trivia with....

2006-04-11T14:04:00.000-05:00

SPORTS!

if youve been to locos- loehmans plaza for trivia then you know what i be saying. if not, thats cool too.

Last night was the home opener for your Atlanta Braves. we left our place around 6:05 for a 7:05 game. dont ask me why TBS is always on the retard clock. i dont even think i can explain what happened in sane terms, but somehow we got stuck in traffic jams in 8 different locations around the stadium. north ave. to juniper/courtland was absolutely fucked on the way in. once we got to that weird expressway turnoff parking area, it was packed so we decided to get back on 85 and go one more exit. a cop was blocking that exit. we went 1.25 miles past to the next exit and doubled back to a train rolling through. then we went through various side streets on the ghetto side of turner field. at one point a cop pointed traffic in the direction of another cop who was blocking the street. almost an hour later i ended up back where i started, no traffic, $12 to pay, FUCK!

but anyway once the madness stopped the game was on. giles cracked his first HR of the season. laroche, who i am always partial to, was dotting 2Bs. everyone but francouer the wonderboy was doing pretty well. 5-3, good game winning home opener.
===========================
in other sports news, i was the self proclaimed offensive mvp for our kickball game #1. considering that only the top half of the lineup got to bat twice, my stats were 2-2, single, double, 1 rbi, 2 runs. we won the game 9-5. kicked some weirdo pirate people's asses. also yayayan had his legs swept out from underneath him when he was subbing 2nd base for me and a dude slid. in kickball. i tried to rush the field but was held back by a cute puppie.
===========================
i have been checking ups tracking numbers for the past 4 days straight. you see, my new life has been delivered from the great best buy warehouses in ohio to the front door of my place in atlanta. thats right everybody, my ixbox360 came today. of course i had to go home for lunch to see if it was true. mmmm, that little brown package gave me half a chub. i didnt even get to play it, i was forced to open the box and see what the fuck this thing even looked like. its almost like a mini tower (think PC) with magical goodness inside. the best part is its wireless, no more fucking with that shit. i guess i cant really explain how this changes my life. some friends have told me they wont ever see me again. i'm a goner and will be lost in video game land for days, weeks, months...years? it might very well be true. anyone else who reads this and has 360 holler back, tell me some goodie games i should buy. as always you can check my stats on the side column ======>
and as if it wasnt obvious enough, my gamer tag is VICKLANTA. recognize. byatch.
===========================
tomorrow i will have some 'weekend crumbs' and pictures to show. in other news, my KY Derby '06 plans are in order. youve heard of all the characters before. the '06 crew is as follows (and theyre all ripe, sweet, derby virgins):

Timmy (on the right)

Raahk (and his date rape story) (on the left)

Country Mike (the wanker) (tequila face)

Kickball

2006-04-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

For those of you who dont know about my athletic prowess, pay close attention. This year, I got an email from Coach Kliegmo about being a definite target for this year's free agency pool. for those of you who dont know my story... it all started when i was 7 years old. i was the 'roller' and usually kicked somewhere in the 6th-8th order of the lineup throughout elementary school. changeups, curveballs, bouncies.... i had it all. bethany taylor and anna mastri could not handle my roll and as a result, i usually put up a few K's every game. one time andrew gilmore struck out so bad that he cried and had to go inside... the rolls were that vicious. but at the end of the school year, when all the cards were on the table.... i lost my grip on the ball and it hit my knee and rolled at a snails pace towards home plate and the cleanup kicker.... phillip mcfadden. he was only 8, but all i remember was dropping to one knee after the ball was let go and realizing before his foot made contact that it was all over. phillip had kicked a grand slam to win the 4th grade trophy and MVP award. i was heart broken. shattered. not even a pudding pop and Hi-C juice box could make me feel any better. i hung up my game and vowed to never play this heartless monster of a sport again.

That was almost twenty years ago, yet i remember it like it was just yesterday. But Coach Kliegmo promised me a fresh start. she promised me a new outlook. she promised tough challenges. and she promised the position of 2nd baseman for the Red Rubbers - Candler Park league. i didnt know i was in the running... hell i dont even know how she found my glorious kickball reputation... i suspect google has something to do with it. either way, she has re-sparked my interest in this sport i swore off ages ago.... and i cant let her or the team down now.

Sunday was my kickball team's first practice. for those of you who didnt realize this... adults all over the country play coed kickball competitively. i stress that c word, for it is really just an excuse to have some fun with your peers and meet new other lazy ass people who want to get outside but not be too intense. you can booze at games, in fact boozing is encouraged. coach hasnt given me a ruling on Greens before games, but i suspect it will be similar to the militarys dont ask dont tell policy.

Our team is surprisingly deep... there were several caught pop ups and also several tag outs. if you dont remember kickball from back in the day, you can peg anyone out if they are off the base. if you overthrow, they can advance and then try to steal more. since aggressive base running is my forte, i cant wait to see how many SB's i have at the end of the year. cap that off with a few tagouts and a few RBIs and i would call the comeback season a success. I will keep you all posted of our league standings and hope that maybe one day you too can aspire to be a kickball world champion like i once was.

if you are actually interested despite the fact that you realize this entire blog was bullshit, please refer to the Official Kickball Website. they have the official kickball rules here too... pretty funny to read.

My First Police Station

2006-03-30T16:50:00.000-05:00

Last night at around 11:00 i got a call from bellend telling me there was a late night poker game at the fratastic house in half an hour. usually i would not attend a midnight-2am poker game on a wednesday, but i was feeling spicy so i went. i was playing Godfather and lost track of time, so around 11:45 i got dressed and went downstairs. i opened the door and slammed it behind me. upon hearing the door slam, the sketchy dude who was hanging out in the bushes by our front gate took off in the direction of north avenue. i saw the guy but was more freaked out that a dude was clearly doing something he shouldnt have been like 20 feet away. also, paranoia started to set in and i hung around the front door until the coast was clear and made my way back to the driveway.

jonnys driver side door was open and his dome light was on. i looked inside and it was the same messy car and the stereo face was still there (the #1 thing i look for, due to past thefts). i locked the door and closed it, thinking jonny was an idiot for leaving it open. but then i realized that the two events couldnt have been a coincidence and decided to put in a call to jonny.

i told him how i found his car and obviously he didnt leave it open, so i told him to check it out when he got back from his lady friend. then i left and played poker. at around 1 am, i got a call from yan asking me details of what happened. his car had been broken into and his work laptop, ipod, and digi cam (all in the same bag) were MIA. a police officer was on the scene and he and yan had checked out the car and the surrounding area for any clues like CSI... unfortunately, unlike tv, there was nothing there. so i told him what i saw:

- 6'0 black dude
- older, maybe 30-35 because he had graying hair (peppered, is what cops call it)
- purple and turquoise jumpsuit like your florida grandpa wore in the 80s
- carrying a blue duffel bag
- heading towards north ave.

when i got home at 2 am jonny was shell shocked. i know the feeling... some bastard has broken into your car, gone through all your shit, taken the most valuable piece, and is absolutely nowhere to be found. its like an empty angry swirl of emotion that you cannot do shit about, even if you want to find the guy and fuck him up in the worst way. he was thinking of all the shit he had to do in the morning and obviously the files IN the computer were gone forever. also, his tax shit and accounts and worth were all in the case. if this dude was an identity thief, jonny was basically fucked. proper fucked.

so this morning, jonny misses 2 calls and when he calls the number back, its our neighbor about 5 houses down and he found the laptop case in his yard... no sign of the computer. this idiot had broken the ipod and left that and the digicam in the case, along with the papers. anyway around 9 am i am looking out my window and see two cops roll up to our front door. jonny goes down there and then he calls me down there. the white cop asks me what i saw, and i tell him those details and the time and all the shit i just told you all.

the white cop looks at the black dude and he's like, i think weve got the guy... IN THE CAR OUTSIDE! what the fuck man... he's outside right now?? how in the hell did you find him. anyway they pulled the guy out and had him turn away from me (since thats how i saw him anyway) and it was straight up the exact same dude. 6'0, older, peppered hair, and of course the clutch detail: purple/turqoise jumpsuit. apparently he was a homeless dude and had been going to get some breakfast when this witty white cop recognized the matching description and hauled him to our place.

at this point they asked both me and jonny to come down to the station (despite work) and fill out a report. now this is where the story gets kind of shady... i mean i hate cops, but if they are doing shit that benefits me instead of hassling me, i obviously reverse my feelings and think what theyre doing is awesome. its a love hate relationship im sure most of you are familiar with. i will insert here that i think ATL cops are really not as bad as the overall population of cops. i mean there is so much crazy shit going on in this city that they dont have time to write traffic tickets unless you really fuck up badly. to date i have never gotten a speeding ticket in ATL and i am a fast fucking driver. they have bigger fish to fry and in this case, i was right in the thick of it.

so since this guy was squatting outside our house, and the car was on the other side, and there were two break ins on our street the same night, and this guy matched the description, but wasnt seen in the act of breaking and entering, the cops really didnt have too much on the guy. i mean he may have had some outstanding warrants in cali, and obviously there arent too many black older dudes with purple and turquoise jumpsuits, it was 99% him... but since he wasnt near the car or witnessed breaking in, who knows whats going to happen. the missing laptop with his fingerprints all over it would be the nut.

the cops in this precinct were overall very cool and liked that we came down to cooperate. the problem was they wanted to be all coppy and honestly they didnt have much stone cold evidence to corroborate the misdemeanor of prowling with the break in 50 feet away. so one cop pulled me aside after they got my statement and was like "Listen, we dont have enough on this guy to book him on the felony... now is there any way that you may have left out a few details, maybe he was by the car when you saw him not in front of the house, or maybe you saw him just touch the car? even his shadow by the car... anything you can stretch your mind to think of would help us... its obviously him, we just dont have enough with your statement. this guy will be back if we dont get him now, and how often do you find the guy 8 hours after the crime wearing the same clothes? so just think about it...."

i hope you all read that-- it was a cop asking me to lie to put this guy away for the shit we all knew he did. and of course did i alter my statement to make it so? unfortunately somehow my scruples interfered and i could not lie to help everyone out. if these cops were good enough to find this dude down the street having breakfast in the same clothes he committed the crime in, they could find a way to pin the shit without me having to lie my ass off and abandon my morals (that could normally be sold to the highest bidder).

on the way out, the white cop who had originally come to our house walked us out and told me he agreed that i shouldnt have lied and it was an honorable thing to do. they would work on the case and try and make it happen, i might have to go to court to testify (eep!) and jonny of course still doesnt have his laptop.

scary shit right? plot twists, secret whispering, breaking and entering. anyway, here are some things i learned after being in the police station for 2 hours this morning:
- there really is a good cop, bad cop in every pair of cops.
- the Zone 6 precinct was the shittiest bureacratic building i had ever been in... it was like a hollowed out shell of the police stations you see on tv. i mean even taggert and bogomel had a better setup, and that was back in 1988.
- cops on CSI have all the top quality technology. cops in real life are still using WindowsNT platform and gateway computers loaned from pre-Y2K. their databases are all old, their forms are all still paper-based, and they were crowding around one monitor to do detective work.
- these guys must see a lot of worse shit... so i understand that they have a gray area for obeying the law vs. enforcing it, but to ask a witness to lie without directly calling it a lie is still bullshit.

So anyway, that was the 1st time ive ever seen the inside of a police station, minus that one time that 50 little 8 year old jewish kids got lost by their counselors in downtown indianapolis for the Pacers vs Bulls + Micheal Jordan game and went to the police station to wait it out. but overall, pretty crazy story. comments?

ps-- i was a kid, not a counselor, when that shit went down.

The Godfather (video game)

2006-03-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

If you dont know how much i love video games, you dont truly know my essence. i have been stuck without an xbox 360 for months now... everytime i try to seek out a box, there are none to be found in our area code. no bother, i smell big shipments coming in soon before the PS3 is released. its all part of a strategy, you see....

Now i will shamelessly plug one of the most awesome 1-person shooter games that just came out....The Godfather.

First i would like to throw in a personal story, then i will cut to the action. a good buddy of mine is some kind of assistant producer for EA and his project happened to be this wonderful video game concept. adapting the gangster shootem up classic original movie into an action-packed, explosive, addictive, no sleeping or eating for awhile, badass video game. while i was in LA for new years long ago, one of the Coppola hippy family members and my buddy talked business about the video game... thats when i knew it was legit. a year and change later, after seeing the video game previews in the movies all summer, this game was released for regular xbox this past tuesday.

The video game basically centers around you, a new up-and-coming hoodlum who grew up in 1940s Little Italy. After your father is murdered by the Tattaglias, you start to become a little bastard and your mother leaves you in the care of Don Corleone, your Godfather. He sets you up with Clemenza and Tessio and other capos for the family. The goal is to become the Don of New York.

I have to say the flow of the game is very similar to Grand Theft Auto games-- it just has that gangster twist to make you forget that and realize you are right in the middle of the movie. You see Luca Brasi assassinated, you see Fredo cowering in the corner, Michael guarding his father at the hospital. You talk to Tom Hagen to get your advice and missions, and you report to Don Corleone himself when the time is right.

You have a map of NYC circa 1940s and obviously there are little pockets of neighborhoods where all these mafia bosses live and operate. You extort businesses, shoot people, threaten people, negotiate deals, shoot more people, blow things up, bomb buildings, steal cars.... the more money and respect you make, the more skill your character has and the better youll do. You rise up the ranks and eventually take it all over.

Cool things that the Godfather has that GTA does not have:
- You get killed less quickly. you can build up your health so that one shotgun doesnt end your crime spree. longer lives mean longer playing before you get "iced" and yell FUCK at the top of your lungs to your tv set.
- Better plot and flow. In Grand Theft Auto, you tend to lose sight of the task at hand... suddenly youll have 4 stars and the FBI is chasing you and all you were trying to do was drop off a few cab fares. In Godfather, there are so many shops and stores and gangs and turf wars that you are always trying to extort without killing, or just go in guns blazing and take out every prostitute and bartender in your path.
- I think that badass things on television/movies should always become video games. Like 24 the video game should have sick features, helicopters, bomb disarming, explosions, interrogations, all that shit. i like how The Godfather kinda keeps it real with the standard pistols, shotguns, and maybe a tommy gun here and there.
- I love the execute feature in the game. There are like 30 different ways to execute a person, from splattering their brains on the barber shop wall, choking them to death with a wire, throwing them into a car, cracking their neck with the heel of your foot, etc... also the sound and effects from these actions looks so real and so nasty at the same time.
- The video game soundtrack has a lot of the original movie tunes, and i find myself whistling the godfather theme in my head while not playing for 6 hours at a time.

Things Godfather needs to have for the Xbox360 release:
- uhh... how about Xbox Live play? i think it would be cool to just have the map and leave it open to 1-5 players (families) if you want to enter a random game midway through, and there is a spot open on a map, you can. if you and 3 friends want to play together, you can invite them to join your map. you can go against the computer, each other, etc. there could be races involved, or just first to take over the most, or just continuous turf wars forever and ever.
- more cars would be nice, but i understand its supposed to be the 40s where people had either really boxy or kinda boxy cars. but vintage cars make GTA cool and stealing a badass car is cooler than stealing the same car over and over.
- Dynamic Turf Wars would be nice. if gangs dynamically took over each others businesses... so one day it might be Barsini, the next day its Tattaglia. i also liked in GTA that if someone attacked your hood you had time to go and defend yourself.
- Gang fights. it was also cool in GTA that you could bring a few thugs with you to a job.
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Overall, I give this game an 8.5 out of 10. its entertaining, it has a lot of shooting, the flow of the game keeps you playing for a long time, and oh ya.... ITS THE FUCKING GODFATHER, best movie ever. and now, i will sit and wait and watch my email bin.

The "Yes" Man. I'm Back, Byatches

2006-03-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

i am not a yes man. sometimes i deny shit, veto restaurants, pass on activity suggestions, skance out of phone conversations, etc. i am officially not a yes man. i have several yes man tendencies.... no denying that. i am a chronic yes man to chronic. there is rarely a time where i would pass on greens. i can say i am also a yes man to poker games. this weekend i almost skanced out of one until raahk blew up my celly and at 3:30 in the morning told me i should come play, there's a live game with 9 people right now. thats a bunch of unlucky bastards if its 3:30 on a saturday and no one has some tight box clamped on their dicks, me included, so i said yes. (i was at the pony prior to poker, plenty of putrid pussy patrolling there)

and that leads me to talk about my other friends. i have one friend who is 100% officially a yes man when it comes to strip clubs. not only does he enjoy going, but he wants to spread his cash across a multitude of establishments across this fine city. it was an alright night for those interested, no camera phone pics at the pony... plus we got 3 seats and a table next to stage 1... quality viewing but very difficult for dancers to get over to your lap so you can pay them $20 to look pissed and uninterested while grinding on your kitty-killer. this kid does not even have to be asked "do you wanna go to ____?" if he's got a pulse and a credit card, he's saying yes.

swilly was always a yes man to cigarettes. even if its hartford connecticut in early january and you left your jacket in the car because its better to not have to deal with it in the bar and the law states that all places are smoke free, he'd still say yes to "cigarette?"

my buddy nascar john up in nyc is a yes man to moes and joes when he was/is in town. loves $3 pbr, $5 pbr, hot wings, and the ridiculously sketchy old boozers that hang out in that bar.

mike d is a yes man to neighbors, but then so am i which is why its the only place we run into each other.

saff is a yes man to movie night, but only because she catches 5 minutes of every movie before she passes the fuck out... oh, except for real winners like National Treasure.

most of my friends are yes men for prop betting. if the odds are good and we think we have a winning shot, we will bet almost any situation. the outcome of a tv episode of 24, the time it takes to get through 3 lights on clifton, the over/under on how many zoomed shots of adam morissons nasty stache cbs shows, who will boot at the bar at the end of the night, etc.

i am pretty sure there are universal yes men out there. these are the people who say yes to everything. as far as i know, my buddy choo is the only true yes man i know. yes to any social activity. yes to any drinking activity. yes to any competition activity. yes to any restaurant. yes to road trips. the only thing he says no to is the one thing i always say yes to. which is ironic. yes yes?

ok...pretty much done talking about the yes man. moving on.
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File Sharing. now i know that most of the blogging community knows what this concept means, but to the people out there who are still in the frickin dark about this concept.... you know how you have itunes. and your computer has a ton of songs. but maybe youre kinda looking to expand your library? but you dont really know how to get other peoples tunes? well, there is a concept called FILE SHARING. if you use instant messenger, you can share your files with ANY of your friends. so if you have a buddy with good taste, and you both have a fast connection, you can 100% pick and choose what tunes you want from their library. here is how:
1. Sign on to AIM. make sure you arent using the beta version...it sucks.
2. go to the top of the thing, File --> Edit Options --> Edit Preferences
3. go down to file sharing
4. in the first box up top, find the location of all your music. (if you were smart, you would have one big folder with all your itunes and mp3s.)
5. choose your permissions...i would recommend display approval dialog for buddy list.
6. go into the firewall option. usually its the first one, but if this shit doesnt work then try the others.
7. go to someone on your buddy list. tell them to do these exact same steps.
8. click on the top of their IM under People... and there is an option "Get Files"
9. Pick and choose which tunes you want. hold ctrl-click to select multiple options.
10. let them get any of your tunes they want.
**This is extremely easy and well worth it if you know a ton of buddies with good tunes**
if you are on a large network, like say at work or school or if your city has wifi, you can download a program called MyTunes and if there are people sharing their ITunes, you can rip directly off their computer to yours. this is another easier option, since you dont have to know the person.

Last but not least.... i have a ton of dank tunes. if you want to exchange, holler at me.
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this years ncaa tourney seems to have had a ton of good games. buzzer beaters, upsets, bracket buster games, etc. every fucking year i am in the running for the win, and every year my bracket falls apart. i was one of only three people to put texas in the final four... if it was Texas UConn in the finals, i would have won it all. but i kinda like seeing teams like UNC, Duke, Texas, Kentucky fall by the wayside. Did you know that George Mason's school website got more hits this week than the total hits in the entire existence of the website? thats pretty cool.

if you filled out a bracket on a yahoo or espn pool, peruse the people who are the overall leaders.... amazing! that some of the top guys took #11 george mason to the final four, not to mention a #2, #4, and a #3. little history lesson for you... last time there were no #1 seeds in the NCAA tourney, my man Denny Crum took the #2 Louisville Cards all the way in 1980.

Rick Pitino

2006-03-09T16:20:00.000-05:00

As you all know, I am a huge Louisville Cardinals fan. Last year when we were one win away from a Bowl Game and undefeated season in football AND made it to the Final Four in basketball, i was halfway there and living on a prayer. But after this years entrance into the Big East, i have been a little steamed at our entry year's overhype bullshit. I mean, i knew coming into this basketball season we werent going to be as good as last year, but i thought Palacios and Dean could give everyone a run for their money-- plus Padgett transferred and would start this season... things could have continued on the way they ended last year. But when your conference schedule looks like this: WLWLWLWLWL, you arent doing so hot this season. hell we barely got an invite to the big east and we were supposed to be in the upper eschelon of big east ballers. i think this was a transition/initiation/whatever the fuck you wanna call it year for the Cards, and I'm sure we'll pick it up again next year when we arent throwing in 4 freshmen and a senior halfway through a 36-9 rout in the first half of a basketball tourney game. (you can only do that when youre on the WINNING end of the scoreboard)

Regardless of the fact that we were definitely preseason hype with a cushy soft non conference schedule through december, i think Pitino finally realizes that the gimme games in the beginning dont mean shit and almost hurt you more than help you 'gel' as a team. that said, i love pitino and petrino and would never say a mad note about the two amazing coaches we keep around year by year scared they will jump the shark and peace out to better opportunities. but everyone loves saying that pitino loves the Garden, loves NYC, loves the big city lifestyle, etc etc. When the score was 39-16 at the half, i started drawing the following picture...

imagine the new york times editorial cartoons, and i think my caption is pretty good although i am sure you can think of more. basically i was so miserable and slumped over from embarassment and anger that i thought someone should talk about pitino being from frickin KENTUCKY and going up to the big city which he looves soo much, and getting laughed out of town:

(click to see enlarged, good quality cartoon)

Its Kinda Hard Out Here Fo A Pimp...
in other news, whilst looking for pitino pictures i found one of the fucking funniest hate sites.
Look how much time these other dooshies had to mock Pitino. (link)

wow its 4:20, perfect timing to peace out. i cant apologize for being a slackass anymore. if you have ever bound template columns to datagrids using a dataset pulled from the SQL Server stored procedures, you know what kind of tremendous pain i am in. and if not, ask my coworkers why they love coding so very much.

last thing: if anyone can decode the following anagrams back into my coworkers real name, you will get a big cookie. HINT: He's an Indian.

JAGUAR HAIR MARK SHRUNK
HANUKKAH JAR RAM RUG SIR
SARAH HANG JURA KIRK RUM
SARAH RAG HAIR JUNK MURK

Spicy Weekend

2006-03-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

I know, its already fucking March 06 and i have written like 10 blogs this year. but i have been slaving away for the Man so dont bust my fucking balls. I have long abandoned the idea that I can constantly come up with one main topic and write an entire thesis on it.... therefore, i bring you the spice that was my awesome weekend.

Choobs was in town after a biz meeting in SC... whenever choo is in town, we always do tons of fun shit. After college, when i would return home to the ville, i realized that all of my high school buddies were soft drinkers and no one could handle partying like i was doing at emory. as a result, nights often consisted of going to grab dinner and a drink, then being tucked away in bed by midnight on a frickin saturday night.... thats just ridiculous. i mean i can still be buddies with them, but they dont have the same cravings for liquid and herbals that my ATL friends do. it was this past christmas that i realized what kind of friend Choob is: the 'Yes Man' friend.

choo will say yes to any activity. if choo were a blood type, he would be O positive. he can chill, he can curl, he can watch tv, he can watch any sport, he can play any sport (except baseball, for some reason), he will go to a casino at fucking 1 am when everyone else has dismissed the idea and he will get you a coke if it looks like youre about to pass out at the table. he will throw darts, play pool, drink heavy, order late night food, kick ass in beer pong, kick ass in trivial pursuit, slaughter people in team trivia, etc etc. the kid is an ideal friend because he will do whatever the fuck YOU want. i mean ya it would be nice to get a controversial opinion or a veto every once in awhile, but the point is that in the great words of Ice Cube, he's "down for whateva".

Friday night a group of 8 dudes headed to hibachi; i called for nakato because of its proximity to Smith's Olde Bar but Edo in toco hills was the call. When the 8 of us sat down at a table, directly across from us was an entire table of black people and 1 white dude. Lets be honest, you dont see that too often in a hibachi place off north druid hills, so instantly the gears started grinding. How funny would that skit be on the Dave Chapelle: the Lost Episodes series. The little asian lady comes out in a kimono and asks the family what they want. Chicken, Chicken, Chicken, Chicken, Chicken, Chicken, and some Chicken...that sounds delicious ill have that. you can take it from there... i just know this setting would be funny for a chapelle show skit.

Why is it that when a group of guys gets together, they only plan the initial activity and wing the rest? girls know exactly where they want to go, what to eat, where to meet up, etc etc. I am telling you we literally had our hands on the cardoor handles before someone asked "where are we gonna go next?" so to Smiths we went, where me and choo dominated yayayan and boozer in darts, then proceeded to get waxed in pool. How fucking hot is Sam, the little country waitress at smiths? and she smokes trees.... i want her pretty bad. thirsty mike joined us at around 12:30 before we headed out to thug night at MJQ. pit stop at home to drop thirsty's car off, not to mention grab a road soda and pack a quick bubbler before heading to the club. get more hammered, dance to prince and MJ and other funk.

i dont like me in this picture, but thirsty's tequila face was too good to pass up
get a call from raahk who was walking up and down ponce at 3:30 am on a friday night outside dugans. uhh dude.... ill be out there in 5 minutes...try not to make eye contact and DEFINITELY dont go inside and order wings. pick his drunk ass up and head home, where the action didnt stop. Stats put on some tunes, bowl packed again, and since there were 5 poker players in the room we had a little $10 tourney 2nd place keeps their money. of course i won that shit, i am the best poker player in the group.

next morning i am rudely awoken by 4 hungry mother fuckers. roll to Brewhouse to check out futbol and hopefully the hockey game, which they promptly changed back to soccer even though no one there was watching any tvs. as a matter of fact, the only group that was there was like 10 women about my age slamming drinks and talking shit and being like, aggressive type-A naughty girls at 1 pm on a saturday. they were dressed like L5P, but i could tell they werent just a group of 10 girlfriends who decided to squat a mile away to celebrate someones bday. I said to my crew I bet they were the Atlanta Rollergirls. sure enough, when one of them stood up and had kneepads on and took off her hoodie to reveal the Rollergirls logo, I was impressed with my keen intuition. Even though they looked so girrrrrrly, and could definitely kick my 5'9 and under crew's ass, i decided to ask for a picture with them. of course i was only thinking about this blog at the time, and the fact that i would potentially put my body in harms way for it should make you all proud. they were surprisingly extremely nice girls, and funny and witty ya know? so imma have to check them out sometime... in the mean time, here it is:

i would probably do ponytails, right below me. the tongue thing always gets me...
after a ridiculous portion of food and a bloody buddy, we had to just chill the rest of the day. later that night we went to bling bling lanes (cheshire) and bowled a rousing game of 2v2v2 bowling with $5 per person per game on the line. i was 0 for 2 despite the fact that i own my own ball. that kinda sucked, but i think the poor performance was directly related to the hour wait before the lane was available where we hammered 5 pitchers in a game of quarters. needless to say the crew was wicked cocked.

Timma! and Raahk are seen here, imbibing some champagne of beers

Yan and his lady friend, who proceeded to take all my money. Dude... its ok to emote.
after this little lady went home to bed, Timma was restless and he could smell the young dripping honeypot in close range. His bare vagina radar is literally the most honed out of the group, and he sensed that there were about 40 little whores who wanted to display their confections for dirty men to gaze upon, while jamming dirty one dollar bills in their twats, thongs, and other slits where money can be put. so we decided to close out the Masters.

although it was very difficult to accomplish, i got some real blurry shots of how an Asian man loves blonde girls with big boobs. i think its funny to watch your friends faces when they are getting a lapdance in front of you. some play it real cool, some take it too seriously, and some curly headed idiots just groan and make fellatio gestures hoping the girl forgets that her job is to take money and make you feel good about it. on a different note, it is difficult to take a discreet picture in a strip club where the vagina is 5 feet away, but i managed as well as i could.

this chick was about 30, but whos complaining about those areolas... not this guy.
anyway sunday rolls in and choo rolls out, life goes on. but i got to do basically every activity that i enjoy minus the whole coitus thing. who knows, maybe this weekend will bring that instead. jonny is out of town til friday, i am going to be skancin like a mother fucker this week.

Motown Philly Back Again

2006-02-21T16:19:00.000-05:00

Doin' a little east coast swang. Good afternoon bitches. due to the fact that leaders like washington and jefferson and blah blah started this wonderful nation, i had the day off yesterday. since i study the calendar like its a map to pirate booty, i knew that february 20th was the last day until may 29th that we got off for a BS holiday. ergo, i took a $218 scare-tran flight to the city of brotherly love. (ps- dont you think MLK day should be swapped with Pres day? if youve only been watching VH1 youd know Feb is black history month)

due to the fact that i hung out with lawyers the entire weekend, i am not able to continue telling any more stories. psyyyyche. fuck that shit, i will just leave out the parts where i was hi on illegal trees.

isnt it weird that when you go to a different city, youre always jealous of the shit that they have that you dont? and if you go back to a city you used to live in, you miss the old shit you used to have? hmm, discuss.

philly is danker than new york for the following reasons. philly is way less dirty than the city of new york. the guys in philly act like tough guys... but they arent. the guys in nyc act like tough guys, and they are. philly has more students per capita than nyc, so in general if you hang out with smart people in smart areas you are surrounded by smart people wherever you go. philly has pizza AND cheesesteaks. philly has good restaurants and good bars too. if you looked at a google map of child molestors in nyc vs. philly, you would find larger surface areas in nyc-- in other words, the sketch factor is less on the hole.

the best part about philly was that i got to hang out with mostly girls. in atl i just hang out with too much cock... definitely need to change that. back in the college days it was different, but i just dont hang out with a crew of ladies anymore. anyway point is you hear the most scandalous shit ever when you listen to them talk to each other. how come atlien girls cant handle talking about lude shit in front of guys and philly girls can?

for those of us who have been exposed to people born "in philly", which is a euphemism for "huntington valley, 20 miles away", its mind-numbing to hear them talk about the following 2 topics: sports and cheesesteaks. they take the eagles so seriously, i secretly love any game where something bad happens and the entire city of philly turns on the eagles for that weekend. this year, with the amazing media circus, horrible record, injury-plagued madden/campbells soup cover boy, biggest ego in TO fiesta that was going down there, im surprised the city didnt commit mass suicide. related to cheesesteaks, every single philly resident thinks that their place is the best and all the others are crap. Jim's, Pat's, Geno's, other generic wich. the subtle differences dont make up for the fact that chopped meat covered in cheese and onion and mustard is delicious regardless of what Dago establishment cooked it. and i mean that in the nicest way, your cheesesteaks are delicious.

anyway here is one thing that i learned while in philly.... there is a website called Open Table where you can make reservations online to a ton of restaurants. (and it has ATL listed too) go check it out: linky.
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in other news, i have to go a different way to work now. instead of ponce to lullwater with a cut through emory, i now have to go briarcliff all the way down to that kroger cut through to clifton. it sucks... security here closed the Houston Mill entrance, and by default the left turn light to get in is backed up past the fire station every morning.

I just g'ed a ton of tunes from my buddy Stats vonGiggler using AIM file transfer. basically i got a ton of albums i had always wanted to listen to but not purchase. here is what i got:
- Audioslave (actually i bought this, but its new to the pod)
- Bela Fleck & the Flecktones
- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
- Common (also purchased-- dank!)
- Franz Ferdinand
- Jay Z
- The Strokes
- Talib Kweli
- The White Stripes

if anyone out there feels that they want to invade my ipod and therefore allow me to invade theirs, just email me and make sure you have IM messenger. would love to get some sign that people are reading until the end, and this would prove it. laters.

You Cant Spell Video without VD

2006-02-15T09:18:00.000-05:00

Valentines Day plays virtually no role in my life. Like Paulie, I have been single for most of them.... i mean maybe i had a few little hos in 2nd grade but believe me, it didnt pan out the way it should have; bethany taylor was such a cold bitch back then. i did have a nice stint of longterm ladyfriend in college, for v-day i ravaged her at the former Swissotel for a night. delectable. but in general i could give a flying fuck about vday. im sure that will all change one day...

I have kinda always wondered what gay guy couples do for valentines day. i guess being a hetero, my perception of VD is that its a female-needs driven holiday, where girls want to be taken out and treated nicely and given gifts and get sexed up afterwards. i mean if VD dropped off the holiday calendar i dont think any guys would lose any sleep over having to be subjected to awful jewelry commercials from tom shane, the guy who loves to be monotone. (what if in real life, tom shane is totally animated and uses hands and facial expressions to convey tons of body language... we'd never know, he sounds boring and drab with every fresh commercial.) anyway my point is the holiday seems so femmy, if i were a gay guy i dont think i could take my boyfriend seriously if he made a big deal about valentines day.

So now that i am done talking about this bullshit, i have some excellent news. google is dipping their hand into all Internet/New Media opportunities. for about a year now, i have been trying to find a free way to play videos on this blog. i mean there were virtually no free video hosting sites a year ago. but with the shrinking cost of memory and storage, it seems logical that google start hosting some videos for the public. the only other site that i have found is www.youtube.com , but that site is better for catching the 'hottest' internet videos; like the ones people are passing around and emailing to each other all found at one site. but google has finally allowed registered users to upload and manage videos through their site video.google.com

now you may be asking, how does this help you the reader? well sit down, shut the fuck up, and grab some popcorn. shoobie has just uploaded the only 3 videos he could find on his laptop and they have finally been approved (which takes way too fucking long). to my friends who still read this, i KNOW there is funny video footage out there. Stats von Giggler, we need to discuss getting all that video from your digi to my computer. Silver/Coren, i need a new copy of karaoke night. anyone else, comment and i will get in touch. Without further ado.... i bring you, Shoobie's Vlog Episode 1.

this is a short video of Halloween '05. thats harry potter, black power, 2 metalheads, an indie hipster, and britney spears. (in case video doesnt load)

This next video is from a party in the Highlands, hosted by Mike C Productions. A bunch of old fogies were there, but they proved they still have 'it' by hazing the youngest kid at the party who will always step in to do the most outlandish shit whenever needed. I bring you my buddy Fossum, who chugged an entire bottle of maple syrup and later booted in the sink. (in case video doesnt load)

This last video may have been the same night, i'm not really sure. all i know is the pink pony was the final destination and these pussies flaked out at the last minute. but before all that, shoobie was in RARE form. apparently karaoke lazy-boy is more impressive than stand up karaoke. and no thats not sweat from a rousing rendition of 'Footloose', some asshole had just spilled a beer all over himself. (in case video doesnt load)

Hope you enjoyed... stay tuned for future vlogs.

Nose Jobs and Fur Coats

2006-02-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

Ladies ladies ladies. hello. its been a long time since we had some face time. today i would like to talk about a trend that should have died in the late 80s.

Two weekends ago when it wasnt snowy in atlanta, two words that should never be put together, i was at piedmont park for a rousing game of pickup football. it was really just supposed to be a toss game, but 3 chicks and a dude wanted to play and you know i'm not turning that shit down. so it was about 60 degrees out, a little wind, and i think i spotted like 5 fur coat outfits throughout the day. not full on fur coats, but like little fur tanktops and fur hoodies and shit like that. hideous. fucking hideous. no dude is into that. mark my words, i speak the truth, stop buying fur clothing items.

Details: Youll be one sexy Eskimo in this zip-front, fur vest from More Dash Than Cash. Pair this mockneck separate with anything - from wool trousers to fashionably-faded denim jeans.

of course nothing can be worse than the double whammy: fur poncho
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why do girls get nose jobs? i mean, i understand if you are "Mo chuisle" and you get pummeled in a boxing match and need to get that shit fixed to breathe right. but girls who are just unhappy with the fact that mom and dad's genetic combination fucked with your schnozz is not exactly a stellar reason to have it done. i mean i guess on the one hand, its amurrica damn it, and a girl should be able to get whatever fixed however she wants. but at the same time, noses are unique and unless you have a fucking sick looking nose i guess i dont get why you would want to make it thinner or less jewish. i mean honestly, youre probably never going to be able to do coke after the operation... why risk it?
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in other news, sudoku is the new way for parents to impress upon their flown-the-coop children that they still have 'it' and age and baby boomerism aint stoppin em now.
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a 25 year old white male was arrested outside of his office today... apparently, he had been raping and scouring the Internet for a few hours every single day, 9-5, M-F. the father of the victim, al gore, was said to be shocked and in mourning.
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Saturday Night Live has been really really bad for several years now. i like some individual cast members but on the hole, just not as funny as the old days. but i figured out something today... the 80s and 90s SNL was hilarious live and hilarious on re-runs. The late 90s early 2000s was absolutely NF during the actual taping of the show, but give each episode about 2 years buffer and they are actually funnier when they are re-runs. this is a quandry, as the whole point of the show is that its fresh and current. but tell me the horatio sanz stoner webcam skit is not even funnier now than it was before. re-watch some of the newest re-runs and tell me you dont stay tuned to the skits you fast forwarded on tivo when it was actually Saturday Night 'Live'.

My Morning Jacket

2006-02-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

well this morning i did the same routine, snooze button for 40 minutes, hot shower, 5ish minutes of porn, cig, clothes, bowl, keys, peace. today was going to be a different kinda day though.... yayayan is out of town and i have the place all to myself. i get into work and do a little shit and then call dwelly re: lunch + pickup. i owed him money for half an onion. but i also have to stop by the old frattastic house to pickup some other illicits because this kid owed me 40 from poker and he brought over a huge shroomin bag to the last poker game and i said he can pay me back through those. so i walk outside with my morning jacket on and its fucking 70 DEGREES in this city today. and its february 3 for christs sake. poppa shoobies bday. so i go to the house, dwellis goes to the house, we settle the money situation for all this shit, then he goes to get subs, i go to let his buddy into his apartment, we eat, we smoke, we watch adult swim, dwelly grinds up a half onion and begins to soak it in oil. reese's special brownies are being baked and cooled as we speak. shrooms are in my jacket pocket. and i have 3/8 of an onion to pick back up after i leave security central over here at work. needless to say, i forgot to leave the boom back at dwellys so technically there are about 6 grams of some fungus in my morning jacket which i didnt even need today because its so fucking hot out. did i mention its friday? sweet. yesss, as i was quickly typing this blog i had a 2:30 phone call conference that was cancelled due to the fact that all the lazy ass white people here are lazy ass white people. you know that black crowes song good friday? i feel like its gonna be that kind of good friday for 3 straight days this weekend. so bottom line is, if the weather holds you can come see me and all my crazy antics as i run walk yog crawl roll stretch bend crouch hide cry laugh wig out flip out and visualize the most insane shit in piedmont park saturday. i can be found tonight laughing my head off and asian-eyeing hot girls whilst listening to dank tunes at cj's landing on brownies. sunday, probably more tripping but less outdoor activities as i try to park my ass somewhere warm and comfy for 4 hours and get retarted for SBXL. i have 220 bucks comin my way if the steel curtain drops on seattle. ladies, if you feel like its gonna be a wild weekend and you miss the old days of irresponsible behavior where you could ingest all this fucked up shit and let your mind say no while your body says yes, holler back. gentlemen, since we know that plea wont work, perhaps i will see you around the city. everyone else (dogs?), have a stupendous weekend. out.

Taking out the Trash

2006-02-02T15:50:00.000-05:00

No, this is not a post about how my apartment is in fucking shambles because i am a takeout eating plastic cup using beer bottle drinking bowl cashing outing kicked back crunk as fuck dvr loving video game addicted trash taker outter hater pimp daddy who loves the pussy.

And no, it isnt a post about how my roomie is a homeowner and leaves dishes and shoes and firewood and socks and paper towels and 2 day old yogurt fruit granola gay mix and empty boxes of those little 3 year old kids raisin snacks from preschool in the crack of his leather couch.

This is about all these ridiculous posts that somehow got started in my head, but never had the chance to fully develop and blossom into a full blown blog. without further ado....
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10/22/2004
10 Burning Questions with Kelly Ripa

Welcome back to burning questions, i'm your host Dinkle McHeadynugs. On todays show we are featuring one of the hottest milf's on television today. she stars in All My Children, Hope & Faith, and Live! with Regis and Kelly.

Its great to have you here Kelly... and might i say, you are quite a stunna. Well thanks Reg!! I dont even know what that is but thanks so much!! My name is dinkle, not regis. Lets get on with it....

10. So Live! comes on at 9 in the morning, how in the fuck are you so chipper at that hour
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12/03/2004
10 Burning Questions with Mr. Slave

Mr. Slave. Known to most by his outlandish s&m get-up, which includes tight leather pants, nipple clamps, and a mouth gag for when he is being a very very bad slave. but what is going on inside this master of submission? (besides a collection of dead animals stuck in his anoos) what are his lifetime achievements? where will he be in 10 years? these are the questions that everyone is asking, and vicklanta's own Dinkie McVicker has him on the hot seat.(to be read with Mr. Slaves voice in mind)

10. Mr. Slave, thank you for accepting our invite. Tell us about your experience in South Park, Colorado. Is everyone accepting of your ways?
Thank you Dinkie for having me. Ya i would say for the most part everyone here has been very kind and sweet to me. in colorad
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3/01/2005
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

ok people, now we're all going to take a little trip back, back, back... to 1993. The largest blizzard to ever hit the Kentucky area happened in march of 1993. 14 inches of pure as cocaine snow hit the city, engulfing cars, blocking doors, streets, stores, power lines fell, trees fell onto power lines. just pure naughty snowstorm.
-neil montana cigs.
-cops pecker ketchup packets
-mr white
-missing checkpoints
-et ride paaaavon
-chiu the asian tourist camera guy
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/260/1055/400/blizzard_of_93.jpg
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/260/1055/400/blizzard_of_93_2.jpg
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4/20/2005
Passed the Fuck Out!

the rules for people who pass out on the couch
by laws
- If you pass out on the couch, you are leaving yourself entirely open for creative shit to happen to your body. the general rule was if you passed out with your shoes on, you were fair game. markers on the face. shaving cream in the hand. hell in high school, they toothpasted my ass crack.
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7/14/2005
Shout Outs and F.U.'s

96 Rock, classic rock, and your home of the Atlanta Braves. best radio. the regular guys, for those of you who listen to normal shit in the morning, have a segment in the morning called the F.U. Line. rednecks call in and say the most racist, sexist, degenerate shit ever. its funny as hell. like: "Hey now, I wanna give a big (fuck you) to the little chinese driver in front of me going 12 miles an hour down a one-way. Get some better glasses you chinky (fuck!)" The 96 Rock guys just leave the line open 24/7 and cut in the funniest ones every morning. Hilarious.

So in honor of the Fuck You line, here are my shout outs and F.U.'s:

A big shoutout goes to....
-Good TV executive decisions: Adam Carrola just got his own show on Comedy Central. same with Michael Rappaport.
-Rockstar Games. Grand Theft Auto 4 is a sick game, and thanks to your horny little programmer's shenanigans, other horny little kids can modify their xboxes and download an all nude, doggy-style fucking modification to GTA4.

A big Fuck You goes to....
-Drew Rosenhaus. you sick money hungry mother fucker. quit getting it into these pro athletes heads that "it aint show friends, its show business." holdouts are the most over written, over speculated, over broadcasted aspects of sports in the offseason. we talk about holdouts as if its their fault. This little Jay Mohresque fucker jacks up management for more loot and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly youre on the hot seat, youre greedy, your career is dragged through the dirt with sports stat guys jonesin for teleprompter recognition, you are officially putting the I in team, and worst of all youre probably not going to get that much more fucking money. Who is to blame for all this bullshit? certainly not the athlete. smells like sleazy dirty whore sex, and im not buying. Its all because of agents like Drew Rosenhaus.
-The Parent's Television Council
-Karl Rove
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7/28/2005
Fashion Consulting 401: Accessories

Thats right, byatches, shoobie is about to lay it on nice and thick for you to soak up and heed some stellar advice from a guy who knows what other guys are thinking about the shit you wear. In case you are a noobie, here is Fashion Consulting 201a, 201b, and 301. so today i would like to talk about accessories. the little things you ladies come up with to throw some extra spice into the outfit. maybe you want a guy to notice and say whats up. maybe you want your coworkers to say you look cute. or maybe you are just an attention whore, accessorizing yourself to no end so everyone pays attention and then talks shit about your horrible outfit behind your back. so here are some quick tips on what looks good and what looks awful.

Piercings
Rings
Gloves/Hats
Scarves
Sunglasses
Knee High Socks
Bracelets
Hair Stuff
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8/16/2005
Nails

No, not our half german aryan buddy with a hot sister whose name sounds like silky. not what i did to sackhil's mom last night. not what the jews allegedly used to post jesus christo to a lowercase T. we are talking about fingernails today folks.

i have a semi conspiracy theory that women are advancing faster, evolutionally speaking, than men because of fingernails. think about how many wonderful things women can do with their nails that men just have no grasp of.

- Blackberries and other handheld devices that require tiny little toddler fingers and/or nails in order to use effectively and efficiently.
- keyboards, phone buttons, calculators, ATM machines... women with nails are far superior to their female counterparts who keep their nails short.
- backrubs. i would much rather get a backrub with some nail in it than just finger.
- stickers, Hello my name is... labels, the piece of tape stuck to the whole roll with no discernible start or end point. (pet peeve of mine)
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1/27/2006
The Retarted Elevator

why is it a fact that at least one elevator per building is the retarted elevator? do you think the other elevators make fun of the retarted elevator or do they have compassion for how bad he fucks up on a day to day basis? if they are made by the same company and with the same exact parts, how can one elevator deliver people in a timely manner while the other elevator breaks down, always gets stuck on floor 2 going up, doesnt start moving until about 10 uncomfortable seconds after the doors closed, smells like the trash cart just got rolled through it, reeks of blood agar-- perhaps the kryptonite of all smells ever.
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Readers, feel free to finish out any of these posts. mander, i know you wanna talk some shit about the ice storm of 93. choobs, you were kind of a self-loathing asian photographer stereotype that weekend.... anyone else, feel free. i am starting to doubt that other bloggers even read this, considering no one did their own aristocrats joke. i mean come on, what an easy way to waste 5 minutes of your day to get shit off your chest and make other people think of you as a sick incestuous perverted funboy.

Funny IM Conversation

2006-02-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

This conversation was had between two girls, then emailed to me. I love the part where A makes a fashion simile and suddenly it is all cleared up for E. worth the read...
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A: read vicklanta
E: ok justin's blog is the most disturbing thing i have ever read ever
E: unless it is in some way an inside joke that i dont get
E: but its just not funny anyway you look at it
A: hahah
A: it's the aristocrats joke
E: wait
E: i dont get it
E: please explain it
A: that's what the whole movie was about
E: what movie
E: help
A: remember how much i loved that movie this summer? the documentary
E: no
A: it was super popular this summer
E: i have no idea what you are talking about
A: and still
A: it's the oldest joke
E: oh my god
E: you are not explaining it
A: and the documentary went around
E: start from the beginning
A: hold on, i'm explaining
A: the joke,
A: it is old
A: it only has a set beginning and end
A: it only has a beginning and end - the middle is supposed to be made up by the joke teller
A: the basic gist is that there is this family that does this horrifically offensive act
A: the family goes to the talent agency
A: and they ask to be represented
E: im going to send this convo to justin ps
A: and they do their act for the agent
A: and it's filled w/ the nastiest/most inapprop. things ever
A: some people go w/ beastiality and incest
A: some w/ bodily fluids
A: some a mix of both
E: ew justin is foul
A: and it ends w/ the talent agent asking the name
A: and then the dad going "The Aristocrats!"
A: w/ much fanfare
A: so every comedian knows this joke, it's like something they tell in their spare time
A: each comedian has his own version of it
A: so the guy from Penn and Teller decided to make a documentary and ask famous comedians their thoughts about the joke and to tell their versions
A: it's a great fucking documentary, it was really hot this summer
A: and just came out on video like this week
E: i kind of still dont get it
E: its just like who can be nastiest?
A: not nastiest, necessarily, though it does tend towards that
A: it's mostly just who can be the most shocking
A: it lets comedians showcase their individual styles
A: like, you know how every designer has their own version of a little black dress?
E: oh good analogy
A: this is the little black dress of the comedy world
E: so how could we characterize justin's style?
A: hold on, let me read it more
E: thanks for putting it in fashion terms, it actually cleared up a lot of confusion
E: i think he might need to go to a shrink/sex therapist
A: i think he has mommy issues
A: and sex issues
A: and cocoa butter issues
E: HAHA
E: true
E: which goes into his "black people love me" thing
A: true!
A: the problem w/ reading the joke is that so much of it comes through in the telling
A: like, he might have some really stellar hand motions or tones of voice that we're missing
A: just reading it sounds like the diary of some serial kiddy rapist
E: do you think he traded the green for some ice?
A: but i am impressed that he went balls to the wall w/ both the creepy sex and bodily fluids

Reader Input Required

2006-01-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

I would like this post to be full of comments of your own versions of this joke. If you have not seen the movie, go rent it today. without further ado....
(please, god of web filters, do not screen this blog at work after this post)
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**update 2/1/06- for those who are in the dark over how creepy this post is, here is a little sampler of Full House's Bob Saget joke.

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So a guy gets back into his office after a long weekend in vegas. his buddy coworker comes in and asks, "tell me how was your trip?" the guy says, "vegas was amazing... i danced, i drank, i gambled, and i saw the most amazing show ive ever seen in my entire life...."

A family comes on stage dressed in their shiny silver and purple outfits. its the dad, the mom, the three sons, the baby girl, and their cute little dog. they start juggling flaming batons, jumping through hoops, the whole works. then the father motions for the kids to come sit in three chairs set up on stage. the wife rips off all his clothes and starts blowing him right in front of the kids. then she changes positions and just starts tearing into his asshole with her tongue, lashing it over and over again. he goes to his first kid, rips off all the kids clothes, picks up the little dog, douses it in cocoa butter, and starts spreading it all over the kids little cock and balls. then he goes to the other 2 kids and does the same thing. after his kids are all greased up, he picks up mommy and lays her across their laps. the first son is fucking his mom, the second son is titty fucking her, and the third son is getting a blowjob. the father then proceeds to ream her asshole while pulling her hair and making the kids watch. when the dad pulls his cock out of mommys ass, the wife's pink sock is exposed. he puts the baby down and lets her play with mommys pink sock, batting it around like a little sock puppet. he then proceeds to jerk off and goes down the line spraying his little kids in the face and mouth with baby batter. the wife, stimulated by all her orifices being filled, starts to cum puddles all over the kids and the stage. the babys little tugs on her anal lining cause her to spray shit all over the babys face. after the dad is done gizzing all over the sons, mommy gets up and spreads eagle on the stage floor. the dog hops down and starts licking her shit and cumstained pussy while the little boys gather in a circle around mommy and proceed to piss and shit all over mommys hair and face. after the kids are done they start to make little snow angels on stage in the piss and shit. the father scolds them and tells them they have been bad boys. he tells the boys to kneel over their chairs and pulls out a paddle like he's going to spank them. instead he proceeds to bludgeon the kids one at a time, crushing their skull and causing blood to spatter all over the front row. he makes mommy stand up, strap on a giant dildo, and poke out their dead sons eyeballs with the rubber phallus. the dad then fucks his dead sons assholes while the mom skullfucks their eye sockets while giving each other high fives to complete the eiffel tower. with shards of skull and blood and shit and puke and cum on his dick, the father lays down on stage and directs his wife to lay the baby girls tight little asshole on top. the dog gets in on the action by licking his pukey balls clean. then the wife hovers her drenched vagina over his face, spreads her loose lips all the way around his head, and proceeds to suffocate him to death. she puts the dog in her purse, picks up her baby in one arm, bows to the audience, and exits stage left.

the coworker was shocked... he had never heard such vulgarity. finally after a few moments of awkward silence, he breaks the tension and says "holy shit, that IS the craziest show ive ever heard of.... whats it called?" the man replied, the aristocrats.

Interlude

2006-01-24T14:46:00.000-05:00

Calm yourself bitches, a new one is coming forth. but i had to just interrupt my own thoughts to talk to the gentlemen in the audience. today i found out something i feel like we should all be privy to. women, you can back me up on this.

when a girl decides that it is finally time to end things, or you put the stepping onto a girl, she is always left in a state of sadness and regret and abandonment and all that sappy shit. it sucks for her. bad. but check this shit out. once the girl has finished weeping and moaning and fucking about for a few days, she will 100% without a doubt do the only thing that will make her feel all better inside and forget all about you. no, she wont just delete you from her celly like in the commercials (although if she were smart, she would keep you on there for caller ID purposes). she wont eat bonbons like peggy bundy. she might have hatefucking sex with a random, but that wont make her forget all about your dumbass.

no no, it is a guarantee word is bond cross my heart and hope to die FACT that a girl will make an appointment at a spa/salon thingy and get a facial, massage, cucumber eyelid shit, etc etc. in order to forget about you forever. its like when the soap and cremes all wash away, so does the memory of you, buddy. so stop stalking and get back on the fucking horse. if women can forget you with the de-stressing of the shoulders, you can down 12 shots and start anew. that is all gentlemen. thought you should know this shit.

Outpost of Tyranny

2006-01-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. sorry i have been working my ass off for 3 straight weeks of productivity... it looks as though things will not be changing much here, bloggies might be few and far between. or they might be 3-a-days. youll just have to check for yourself... how exciting. (by the way, what does everyone think about the blog makeover? i am a CSS addict like a mufucka)

So back in the 50s and 60s, Amurrica got into a little fight with a new socialist dictator Fidel Castro. he and his rebels had taken power and since they were socialists, jfk couldnt see eye to eye with their political and social agenda. so he took a group of 1000 cuban refugees living in florida and backed them with false hope of beating castro. they were doomed to fail, but when jfk re-niged on air raids, marine backups, and a stronghold on a beach with guerilla warfare support, the rebels were killed or taken captive. since it was blatantly obvious the US was in on it, we forced castro to side with Russians for protection from the US. After the cuban missile crisis, jfk placed a big ban on cuba and basically promised to never invade again-- instead, he would just cut them financially. so no more import/export with cuba, and to further cripple this nation economically, any company who did trade goods or services with cuban companies could not deal with the US... we wouldnt accept their business. Also, US citizens could not travel to cuba unless they went through mexico or canada illegally. talk about irony. the travel ban had been off and on throughout the next 30 years, but the trade embargo was definitely on.

Although the US has begun to normalize trade with other communist countries like china and vietkong, cuban relations have not changed in 30 years. many of the cuban exiles living in florida, alarge electoral presence, have held their ground; the topic of ending the embargo is not anything current officials want to touch.

In 2000, however, a hurricane hit cuba pretty hard and because of 'humane reasons', Billy boy Clinton signed an act to relax the embargo and allow cuba to purchase food and medical aid from the US. of course, cuba would have to pay COD (cash up front, nig) and obviously they werent too pleased with this generous concession the US allowed. however, they eventually began to buy lots more imports and with the pressure of farmers and agricultural peeps in amurrica, the US exports to cuba have increased each year. importing cuban goods is still illegal and subject to fines. jimmy carter has taken the stance that we should end the embargo and repair relations with a neighbor, but bush and his pops were both anti that idea.

International criticism of the US embargo has reached near full capacity, only 4 nations out of 183 agree with the US on their longheld policy. Israel, since they suck our penis. marshall islands, which we gained in the WW2, and Palau, which brought us a great free safety for the pittsburgh steelers. not that they matter one iota, but jesse jackson and farrakhan are both anti-embargo as well. damn the man.

Anyway, the reason i bring all this up is because with the exception of the cash exports we are granting to cuba, we have never really made a concession to end the embargo.... until today. Today, for the first time in 40 years, the US has decided that they will participate on an even playing field with the cubans... on a baseball field. after applying to the World Baseball Classic, they had been denied because of the restrictions. due to pressure from puerto rico (host of the event) and the US olympic committee, and the threat from the international baseball committee to not recognize the competition, someone prodded bush's ass and he agreed to reverse the ban of cuba in the baseball tourney. Hallelujah! praise the lord.

So after 40 years of red scare, nuculur weapons threats, shutting down an entire economy, indirectly being responsible for thousands of sick and dead cubanos, decline of cuban agriculture and basic industry, jacking their small reserves of cash, freezing all cuban assets in the US, and of course never buying any cuban cigars to stick up interns twats (wink wink), we have finally decided to make one teeny tiny exception and "OK'd" Cuba's bid to play in the WBC.

damn isnt Bush the nicest guy for doing that. way to be so diplomatic. the best part about the whole situation is that even though cuba is poor and in debt to russia and totally fucked because of 40 years of ruin, bush is adamant that the only reason he OK'd this reversal was because castro would not gain any financial gains from the WBC; he is donating them TO THE US! for hurricane katrina relief. he still claims that Cuba is an "outpost of tyranny". fucking euphamisms.

now i am not saying i agree with cuba and i am not saying i agree with bushy. as a matter of fact i love to just mention this shit and then passively agressively back myself out of the conflict because i despise all politics and any discussions relating to politics. besides, i would never go to cuba and i could give a fuck if i never taste cuban whiskey or a cigar in my life. all i know is that if the US wins their schedule and Cuba wins theirs (both events doubtful), Cuba will definitely beat our squad of paycheck players. i mean, at least they want to play... our squad cant even figure out if they should be playing for the US or their 'birth country'. that is all.

NYC for NYE

2006-01-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon. i have finally cropped and topped my pics in Photoshop and can now share it with the pubelic. So the past 2 weekends have been crazy. I left Friday to drive to the ville, saw too much family, not enough friends, just enough of a casino, and plenty of mj. and reba. youre special. in a good way. choobs even sacked it up when no one else would and joined me in taking a trip out to caesars palace of love where i won and he lost. what a good friend. Then, i drove back down to Atown, worked for 2 1/2 days, then took a flight to the god damned best city in the country.

When i was a little shorty, going to summer camp with jappy bitches from long island, i basically refuted all that NYC had to offer. it was like the devil and i was proud to be back in the middle south after summer. chilled out, cool cutter kids... none of that park ave poonan. but now, every time i visit the big apple, i have a fucking kick ass time. no question. there is just soooo much to do, so little time. you can literally go to any spot, any restaurant, any concert, any time, 24-7. all the fucking time you can get to something cool. honestly i dont know how people work there, i would be playing too much for my own good.

our buddy from the ATL nascar john moved to nyc, but he was coming back to ATL for NYE to get some of the ex lady friend sexing. as a result, we opened our empty house to him and he opened his sick apartment to us. 35th floor. north moore street. TRI-BE-CA. to the west is the hudson river view, and straight ahead is the entire stretch of midtown. here is the google overhead and of course the real. hiphop.

to the left, the night view of the river.

straight ahead, tight shot

ahead, lower and midtown manhattan. is this apartment not a panty dropper?
so my flight got in late friday, like 10 pm, but no need to stay in. after convincing dbone and a.wild we should not just watch HD, we met up with all the testosterone who were boozing hard at this place called Park. it literally had a neon sign outside that looked like a 70s parking garage, but it was very dank inside. the bartenders on both floors sucked and the waitresses were non existent. so not only did you have to shell out 30 bucks on avg. per bar visit, you also had to stand there with all the popped collars and fucking mousse hair to grab a drink. typical nyc sceney bar. like sutton place, only more asian and shittier bar service. (nyc residents, how am i doin so far?)

got to see marissa, she is looking beautiful as ever. no creative similes there, but i am glad i did get to say whattup. by the end of the night i was crunk and peaced out around 2. apparently everyone else was out til 6 am at a hippie place.... but while they were hippying it up at a club, i was hippying it up back at nascar jons place. i did stop with levy and a.wild at an irish dude's pub... screevy knows the name of the place, the guy has real estate in ATL and he barely knew where it was... irish accent, says its uh, somethin new, big development...maybe uh, atlantic station? wow buddy, good work. here are the pics. boys who i know are reading this, if you email me your pictures i will throw the best ones up on here. naoum, youre the unofficial historian... get on that. in the meantime:

skanciel and jd. would anyone guess he's having the time of his life?
the next day, woke up around 1 and it was frickin freezing in nyc on new years eve day. isnt it such a production to do anything in new york if you dont know where to eat or where to go or dont know exactly how to get there. like in atlanta, you have an afternoon and you can accomplish 5 things. in nyc, you get ready to go to lunch, get to lunch, wait, eat, walk around, go take a nap. and thats just to eat one meal! ahh, but what a meal it was... after 2 hours of delaying because we were hungover shitheads, we went to get some 2nd ~~street~~ avenue deli. and you know what that means.... juicy, tall, heaps of new york corned beef on rye with pickles, slaw, and thousand island. d-licious.

mmm. i know you want some. followers, come to twains this sunday at 4pm and you can get a slight taste of what this is all about
so new years eve comes around and we are kinda worried skanciel wont pull it off. nyc new years events cost a lot and its like playing the lotto with your money, you never know what youre going to pull. fortunately for us, our party was awesome. raph made an awesome call to do the event, and when i am telling you it was open bar, it was fucking wide open. they had all the liquor you needed, plenty of beer, a huge bar area, and of course three drunken bartenders who were fast as shit. why would a bartender choose to be slow? the slower you are, the less you make. this boggles the mind when you think about how slow bartenders move. we had a little vip corner which eventually someone bought bottles for. there were lots of ladies. there were two levels in the club. the tunes were good. the only thing that could have helped was if you could smoke inside the club. which we did anyway. cigs and nugs.

bellend (from the caption contest) brought his bag and papers and rolled a j in the vip corner. eventually we all kinda assumed sitting positions and sparked it. within 3 minutes the bouncer was peekin around, seeing who had it. he wasnt being a dick or anything, but if he saw it that was all she wrote. we were nice and discreet, but when he turned away from us bellend tried to slip his stuff to D-pa. he gave him the nish nish, so of course bellend turns to me and is like yo hold this. not sensing any danger, i of course was like ok. no one got busted, everyone was happy, and i had some headies to recover with all day sunday. when i am telling you the night was cool, it was working out in my favor left and right.

drunken stories can be recapped in the comments section. for now, i am just gonna post these pictures and get the fuck out of here. its 5 on friday.

D-Pa is just straight ballin' VIP up in NYC

housman, why did this big bitch make me take a picture of you two?

Stanton VonGiggler shows everyone about indie ballers. Notice everyone is giving their girls the sexy eye, while he contemplates the tile pattern on the disco floor.

little do these jappy bitches know... that kid draped over them is a german! raph's newest nickname was Saurkraut... that shit is funny

obligatory overhead party shot #1

obligatory overhead party shot #2. (does anyone spot the KOC in the room?)

Hope you have a great 2006! (or 2001+5 if you're these idiots)

Welcome Back. Bitch.

2006-01-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

whattup. i dont have that much time, ya see. check out the post time, its 10.30 PM. fucking night. anyway since i am at a place where i could post this picture, i figured i should give you a little new years tickle teaser and kickstart 2006 with a funny picture caption contest. this guy is a cool kid, so the more spicy the roast the better. i signed my life away to corporate america so its hard to post at work. perhaps my new years resolution should be to waste precious real life minutes on this crap ass beelog. perhaps not. i have a long one comin, i just have to find the time. so without further ado, Caption Contest 2006 begins. (i'll start.)

Bellend is so whipped that he got caught holding a chick's purse in the middle of NYC...
ON digiCAMERA

Self-Aggrandizing Close of 2K5

2005-12-29T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well i guess i will just copy other people's close out the year posts with one of my own. I dont want to lace this thing with cheesy lame goals for next year or things i hope to accomplish, bullshit. i had a great time, saw some good concerts, saw some titties, drank a lot, puffed a lot, upgraded electronically, and didnt do one iota of volunteer work to help someone besides myself or people i care about. road tripped, gambled, won, lost, watched lots of HeaDy, ripped off Interpol again, and got a tan in november. without further ado, here are the best posts of 2K5 (by month- for the record, i was way craftier in the beginning so there are multiple bests):

January - How To Be A Baller, a great fiction about Stats McGiggler and friends.
February - tough call between fiction (Koko Got Served) and reality (Spring Fashion 201) although i got a TON of heat for this one (Giving Yourself a Nickname is LAME)
March - Nut Trees, Popped Collars, Girls Squatting
April - again a toss up between Leash Kids and ATLien Drivers
May - Star Wars SUCKS! , the Hate Fuck, and of course the KY Derby 2005
June - Girls Cannot Rape Guys (except for the clowns i know)
July - I Am Not a Friendster Whore, with mini-shout outs to porn stars (scroll down)
August - Ben Harper is z dank, Fantasy Football begins
September - Weed College, the Roast of my friends, and jewish gun control
October - All Movie Theater Employees are Retards
November - South Park fictional episode, halloween recap
December - (this was like a week ago, but...) Merry Fucking Christmas!

Thanks to all the inspirational characters in my life.

Reparations

2005-12-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

How does everyone out there feel about bumper stickers like this one? at work? come on now.

for those out thurr who cant read so good:
america must atone
black reparations now!
also while i have your picture attention:

halloween costume scare factor #1

halloween costume scare factor #2
exercise your right to vote the scariest. in the comments section.
(and comment on how black people should drop this one and fight for a better cause re: above)

Decadence and Depravity

2005-12-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

Its wednesday and i am back in the cube... for what reason, i have no idea. no one is here. i just got back from a whirlwind trip to the ville and back, friday to tuesday. it was quite enjoyable. as with all of my road trips, i was back on the sauce again. since i havent really been puffing you can imagine the effect vitamin M had on my video game driving skills, ipod clutch playlist picking, having my own personal paranoia as a radar detector, and of course lots of stored up thoughts in my noggin.

1. i have a cool new invention. the target audience would be young people who take road trips or drive long distances through many states. ok so you know that each state has college favorite teams. and kids plaster their team all over their rear window- stickers, hats, etc. there should be a flippable rear window sticker holder where you can slide in any state you want. i bet cops would be less likely to pull an out of state driver over if he had that state's window sticker in his window. just a thought here people.

2. sunflower seeds are delicious. and people who eat seeds are cool too.

3. you know how sometimes you go over to a girls place and she will be dragging out the clock on the inevitable nudity that must transpire between two people with sexual tension? lets say she's in the kitchen and she asks you if you want anything to drink. wouldnt it be nice if when we ask for a glass of water, the girl knew she was about to give head + swallow because you were chivalrous enough to think about washing away the after taste?

4. there should be a website out there that allows you to dynamically plan a road trip based on types of cool sites, activities, cities, etc. that you want to stop in. google labs, get on it bitches. just plug the maps thing up to travel guides.

5. whatever happened to cross colours? why were black people wearing dashiki shit for about 8 years and then it vanished like thin air?

6. (i thought of this before south park) why do people go to group meetings re: alcoholism, mj, coke, etc? besides the fact that they are based on prayer and jesus and forgiveness and all that shit, why would you want to dwell in misery with other miserable people? whats the point of sharing your shitty story with other shitty people with shitty stories? why do you need to be validated by other people trying to turn their lives around? group meetings seem like more of a depressant than a valuable network of peer help to me. its like their sole purpose is to gather a bunch of people with one problem and make them all feel like losers together. devils advocate, chime in... i cant tell if i am being too insensitive or not.

7. if you are a comcast/hbo subscriber and also not a retard, then you should know that there is a feature called onDemand. and on demand you can gain access to movies on hbo and also lots of the series of certain episodes. right now, in anticipation of the march sopranos season, you can catch all of Sopranos: Season 1. i have watched the whole thing now, and i must say... season 1 is way darker than the shit that is on now. in the current season, there are so many plot lines that they have to devote focus to all of them. in the first season, everything revolves around tony. tony's dreams, tony's psychiatrist sessions, tony's family, tony's head. the writing is way darker. AJ and meadow look like little fucking kids. there are way more random titty shots of strippers. and adrianna isnt having BM movements... she is just a hostess at artie buco's restaurant, being introduced for season 2. watching season 1 over again is like the star wars phenomenon... you can tell where certain things are going and foreshadowing is rendered ineffective. season 1 was the only one i watched, when it came out, because i was home for that summer with HBO. but i couldnt remember any of the events... it was like a clean slate. so even if you are a huge fan, or just want to see what the hype is about, check out Season 1 on demand. i am telling you, the reason the show is a success is because of this season. it hooked people early.

i have one more blog-a-comin. it will take some time. holler to the comments section if youre bored at work today, since no one else is there to unbore you.

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

Why must people around the country assume that if they are out busy shopping for expensive electronics, stocking stuffers, weird red/green yarn lampshade combos, ugly poinsettia-pattern throw pillows, buddy jesus dolls, and any other weird goysha things you christians have, that everyone on this green earth is also a christian? i mean it boggles the mind how many people have told me merry christmas, or in passing asked me 'are you ready for christmas?', or any other variation on this topic. companies host christmas parties. people bring in christmas cupcakes. the door to my office was decorated in christmas mock carols and snowflake cutouts with fucking ugly red/green christmas colored lights. some of you are so blind to your own cliches that you don your roofs and trees and gutters and doors and windows and lawn decorations with the tackiest fucking shit-- so tacky that jesus himself would wonder what the fuck you were thinking, all he wanted for his birthday was peace on earth and a good hummer from that little whore mary down the street.

i am not trying to be a grinch here. decorations that look nice and trim and pretty are in fact cool to look at. holidays are wonderful, and a great time to give sensible gifts to people you give a fuck about. i just dont understand how people can live in a country where white people are about to be the minority and still think that christianity touches everyone you interact with. i mean i have a fucking jewfro and am consistently absent for jewish holidays every year... how hard is it to understand to just tell me and everyone else happy holidays. thanksgiving, christmas, new years. they are all crammed into a short timeframe, and they are all national holidays, so why cant you just say that shit, biatch?

ahh ok moving on, i am going to parlay all my chanukah gifts into one giant best buy spree. i love how now instead of getting 8 gifts i just get one big fat one from everyone, and they actually ask what you want every year. BEST BUY GIFT CERTIFICATES, por favor. always something dank to buy at best buy. if the XBOX 360 were ever in stock anywhere in this country, i would jump on that faster than a gold digger on kobe's dong. i have also toyed with the idea of getting a little 36 incher HDtv for my lair.

today i go in for the drug test. i won't lie and tell you i havent smoked since december 5... last friday i smelled this amazing funky bud and i knew that i had to get ripped. but it has basically been 3 weeks without. the process for cleansing yourself is as follows: go to galaxy head shop, purchase vale drink, drink 8 servings of water a day leading up to the test. on the day of the test eat something small a few hours before you drink the vales, drink at least 2-3 servings of water in the morning, drink the vales about 3 hours before you are going to take the test, fill the vales bottle up with water and drink that over the next 30 minutes, piss 3 times, go take the test. its that simple. so tonight, my friends, i cant say i wont be ridiculously fucked up and munching on ritz crackers and not remembering my dreams the next day.

i have officially decided my plans for CHRISTMAS break and new years. I am driving home Friday-Tuesday to the ville. during this trip i will drink cheap whiskey, see the fam, get said money for danktronics, maybe go on a date, hit up the casino, and any other shenanigans i can fit into the long weekend. my mother is making brisket and latkes, the two best things of all time that she is sick at cooking. For NYE i will be up in NYC. now i realize that i may not be able to get from airport to apartment we are staying at, apartment to tourist things, apartment to bars, or bars to home, but hopefully that subway thing will be figured out before millions of tourists hit this city up. my buddy DJ skanciel is throwing a baddas vip party at mission off bowery, for those interested. all of the old cheefee ballers will be crawling out of the woodwork to recap a good year and to share baller adventures with each other. some of them might even roll joints up in $100 bills and smoke those, just to prove how truly bally they are. others may rent Hummer H3 limos and ride around town popping moet and shit to outball other ballers. i will just be trying to score some ass.

last but not least, my ipod is fucked. i havent even had it for 6 months. the other day i came back to it and it was off. i figured the battery had run out so when i got home to plug it into the usb port, nothing was showing up. then i plugged it into the wall and it still hasnt turned on. i mean it is just dead. anyone out there heard of this issue? let me know.

oh shit, that was going to be the last thing but i have one more thing. last night i played in a 'friendly' game of poker. 8 people to start. literally for 2 1/2 hours i sat there watching people take each others money and catch awesome cards. i did not win one hand in that time, and i probably played 6 hands in 150 minutes. imagine the boredom. but i knew they would come soon, as cards tend to eventually show up, and so instinctively bought in for another 20 since everyone else was real juiced up. i tripled through, meaning i was up to about 80 bucks. the game was ending and it was getting dangerously close to 2 am, and my buddy bellend was saying he wasnt going to get involved in pots with me, i had obv been playing tight. so on the 2nd to last hand i had hit a belly buster straight flush draw and went all in and even though this kid had a draw he obviously folded for 75 bucks (he had me covered). so on the last hand, i peer down and see AQ offsuit. since i had won the last 2 hands i decided to straddle in my position. everyone was in (down to 6-handed game) and when it got back to me i raised it up 3 bucks. bellend calls and maybe one other caller... so about a $15 pot.

Flop comes: 10 10 J rainbow

i decide that if i wanna see another card, i will have to bet. so i bet $5. bellend calls me and the other kid folds. heads up. $25 pot.

Turn card: K

haha, i am 95% sure bellend doesnt have a full house, so i just say i'm all in thinking he wouldnt possibly call off his money on the last hand of the night. but he calls me after about 3 seconds of thinking. i look at him and say, do you have the boat? he says nope. i say ive got you in the quietest whisper, because i basically just sucked out on him and got my straight with the seemingly harmless K. he turned over 10 3. so he had outs... a 10, three 3's, three K's, three J's. when the river was a blank, i took down the biggest and last pot of the night for about 140. he of course was trying to sucker me in on the flop, but things went south on the turn. here are the odds:

AsQd vs Tc3c
63.3% - 36.6% before the flop
16.1% - 83.9% on the flop
77.3% - 22.7% on the turn

Hope that you all have a wonderful HOLIDAY and a happy new year. i am off to drink my vales!

Some Fuddup Dream Interpretations

2005-12-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

Since most of you know that the cheeba was a large part of my daily activity, i have to tell you about this crazy phenomenon that has been happening since i have stopped. i tried to google it but there isnt much scientific knowledge on the subject, just some idiots babbling like reformed potheads who have lost their way.... but! basically, every morning when i wake up i remember tons of stuff about my dreams. i am talking about significant, clear-headed memory of everything that went down in the dream. has anyone ever heard of or experienced this phenomenon? any sort of links would be helpful.

i have started to have this recurring dream involving me and my car; sometimes it involves a stolen car, sometimes it involves a car crash, sometimes i am just driving like a fucking lunatic. if you want to hear the long version, (it gets real weird), i was staying at my sister's cabin in Indiana and Nehemiah from the Real World Austin and rusty, a local atl blogger, broke into the house and were caught red-handed. i have no idea why rusty and nehemiah would ever be in my dream. anyway, to get revenge i jacked nehemiah's nissan altima and kept it here in atlanta and obviously he never knew me and never knew why anyone would jack an altima. but, his altima was tricked out and had awesome speakers and tint and all this shit. eventually i met up with rusty and after many a drinks, he convinced me to return the car to nehemiah. then we all became good buddies and we all lived in bloomington, indiana of all places.

in another dream i was driving my sister in my car and we were headed to SanFran. i was driving really fast and basically went around this 180 degree sharp curve on the highway and crashed the car. i skidded across the road and when i stood up my head fell off. my sister was panicking but of course i was calm and collect and told her not to worry. apparently the whole time i was like looking at my fucked up body and i was actually a ghost looking down on the whole situation and talking to her. this dream was so weird and i guess at some point i realized this sub consciously so i woke myself up from the dream at like 4 am and re-started back in the dream where i was alive instead of dead.

i mean, talk about fucked up shit... i had no idea what any of the dreams could even mean, and since i havent been in the position to interpret any of my dreams in like 3 years, i had to consult the expert. if you dont know, there is a source on the internet that has gathered tons of info about dreams. The Dream Dictionary can really break things down for you and talks about all different types of subtopics, you just have to look up the main topic and it will list all these different situations regarding that idea.

so here is what dream dictionary tells me:
-To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.
-To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, caring, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role and sense of belonging.
-To dream that you are in an accident, signifies pent up guilt and you are sub-consciously punishing yourself over it. To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.
-To dream that someone is trying to rip your head off, suggests that you are not seeing a situation or problem clearly. Perhaps you are refusing to see the truth. You have to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so.

I guess all in all, these topics are not exactly thrilling to be sub consciously dreaming about. but its nice to know that i am being stripped of my identity and that i need to repair my relationship with my sister. i am heading home for hannukah during the break i get from you christians, which is a pretty sweet deal. she will be there and hopefully if the drug test has taken place, we can smoke a big fattie and repair our relationship together. or am i fucking up the interpretation of dreams and i am supposed to not ever get high again? someone who has an ounce of psych education, help a brother out here!!

sorry you have had to read through this ridiculous self-reflecting speech.

The Artist Formerly Known As ShoobieDoobie

2005-12-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

no longer am i the smiley, asian-eyed, cracky sense of humored, headified, blitzed, blazed, cocked, piney-tasting, burnout, chillaxed doobie smoker i once was. unfortunately my little green friend and i have had to part ways for an extended period of time. i could make up a story here about how i finally had a bad experience on the 'mota', but i would just be lying to you all... and everyone knows that herb's a gift thats from the earth, and whats from the earth is of ja greatest worth. unfortunately i have interviewed for a highly respectable position with a contracting company that tests its new hires and since i anticipate getting the job, i am going to have to hit up Starship and grab some Vales. i just feel that my body needs to detoxify and this is probably the #1 guaranteed scientific way to do it. according to all my friends, who are big headies.

this change has had some positives... i didnt pound cheerios, nature's finest granola bars, popcorn, and my mommas wonderbars last night for a midnight snack. (roomie) i also am thinking a little more clearly and am sharp as a tack when it comes to coding vb.net data access layers during stored procedure executions to update our sql database located on the web server with asp1.1 installed. but the truth is i have surrounded myself with friends who all herbalize and now everytime someone passes me a piece of glass i have to give them the middle finger because they cant remember that 3 seconds ago i passed for the exact same reason as this time. my halo2 gaming skills are definitely taking a dive, the noob combo is just hard for me to grasp. also, this may be karmatically related, but my entire AIM buddy list got lost sometime between saturday and sunday, rendering my nerdy 2000s means of communications useless. i cant even go see any movies in the theater because i know they wont be as entertaining as before. my ipod sounds flat. concerts are probably lame, although i havent been to one since the switchover.

another good thing is that i can still get really really fucking drunk. my bar tabs crept into the low 100s this weekend, a slight change from previous weekends where i was drinking because i had cotton mouth and not because i was thirsty mike. but you tokers know the feeling... you get real fucked up at a bar, you talk to some yatches about the after party, but then you realize that you cant be a part of that after-party, even if it is fictional, because you are stuck sipping on booze and cant top the night off with a big fat binger or two before you doze off into passedthefuckout land. then you wake up sunday with a massive headache, but you dont have tylenol in the house because vitamin M solves all problems and youre not used to using conventional medicine to solve your woes. you know you want brunch and to watch football all day but you cant work up an appetite without it and although HD looks crisper than you remember, youd rather it be semi-blurry under a hazy glazed state of mind.

ahhh... those were the old days.
========================
speaking of the old days, whatever happened to the whole 'checking bags' concept at an airport. when was there a vast change in our society that dictated people should carry-on the enormous luggage bag instead of just checking it and bringing a book and maybe some gum through the metal detector? am i an idiot for being old school and checking whatever big bag i have with me regardless of which airline, airport, or arrival time i am scheduled to fly for? people get really bitchy when the seatbelt sign comes on and the plane doors dont open immediately, but then they take a frickin hour to get their massive bag out of the overhead compartment and through the tiny aisle that is on any plane. the old school passengers have to sit there with their ipod and headphones stowed neatly in their jacket pocket while the rest of the plane takes a ridiculous amount of time getting off before them. dont you idiots realize how much easier it would be to let the airline people take care of your shit, not to mention everyone can get off the plane and to their connecting gates faster without the mass carry-ons? especially tiny women... i mean how much time are you truly saving by bringing that hideous LV bag plus luggage onto the plane with you, just to wait for a nice enough guy to help you get it out of the bin, getting heckled by the idiots in 43A and B, etc etc. i just dont get it.

4 Inches

2005-12-06T10:08:00.000-05:00

No no no perv, we arent talking about the size of John Fox's pecker today. instead, lets discuss shoobie's trip to the great Northeast- more specifically Hartford, Connecticut. after spending several luxurious days in sunny Puerto Rico, my dumbass decided to cruise up north for a football game, some boozing, foxwoods casino, and whatever else came my way.

I flew a lame ass layover flight into Chi town (o'hare) and then on to BDL outside hartford. the plane leaving chi was so fucking late and delayed that i didnt get into town until early friday morning, 1 am. if i had been there on time, we would have been able to get crunk drunk... instead we just smoked and passed out.

for the record, it was frickin freezing in CT the entire time i was there. going outside to smoke was absolutely unenjoyable and the bars and restaurants there are 100% non smoking. good for good people, bad for bad boys. the best part about CT though was that the entire town of hartford seemed to be filled with slutty whores. now i might be slightly exaggerating, but all the guys talked like they were from Will Hunting's entourage and the #1 topic of discussion was who they banged, when they banged them, and which of the other guys in the car also banged the girl at one point. sisters were NOT off-limits in the convos, which kinda freaks me out a bit.

anyway, friday afternoon we drove into bumblefuck CT to hit up foxwoods casino. if youve ever been there, then you already know its allegedly the largest gaming floor in the US... and i would concur. it was like a mile long complex that looked like a carnie indian decorator and architect had schemed together to maximize white people profits while tucking it into a mountain that no one can find unless theyre looking for it. but they did have good poker.... i played in the $100 max buy in no-limit texas game. so that means when you double or triple up to $300, no new players can touch you and you can bully anybody. i made some tremendous folds, some incredible raises, and although i didnt pay for the flight to CT i paid for all the liquor we drank. or should i say, some yankees fan paid for all the liquor i drank. also, youll never believe who was at my poker table. for you ESPN fans out there, please tell me this is not Tony Kornheiser from PTI.

Tony is tight-agressive; just like your mother
Friday night i got so fucking drunk i had no clue what was going on. swilly hangs out with some cool dudes and cute girls, which is kinda a change from ATL life... i was so hungover the next morning i couldnt even keep breakfast down without throwing up in my mouth a little. a few puff puff passes and it was all good. saturday night, after a dank italian carryout spot, we went to see the Louisville Cards take on the UConn Huskies in an arousing match of college pigskin. despite Texas and USC throwing up basketball-esque scores saturday, our game was somewhat close. Our wonderboy QB is out for the season, so a redshirt freshman QB and my man Michael Bush #19 were the go-to guys on offense. Bush scored 3 TDs and i of course was so obnoxious every time it happened.... i had to be, there were like 20 louisville fans in the whole fucking stadium. i wore jeans, tearaway pants, tshirt, jersey, fleece, jacket, gloves, hat, double socks, and i was still so fucking cold! the parking lot is not a lot, its a frickin runway... so the mile walk was enjoyable to drink on, but bad for struggling through 20 degrees just to sit on bleachers and freeze asses off. but i did have a sweet time. and the prices are way lower than 8.50 beers and 6.50 nachos like at turner field. and of course, we won 30-20.

that night just had a few drinks, nothing out of hand, and went to bed thinking i might be mad delayed due to snow predictions for the night. turns out, they were only half right. my plane took off on time, but not before i got to play in.... 4 INCHES of snowfall. i havent even been able to make a snowball in 2 years in this frickin weirdo south town. i hope it snows like the dickens this winter with all the crazy weather. anyway, here is a picture of what happens to someone's ix when they get chilly.

are they called frostix or snowix? the world may never know
so that was my trip, didnt see the falcons bite major penis. did get to hear that since FSU beat VaTech in what can only be described as the craziest ACC year in awhile, somehow Louisville gets to play VaTech in a bowl game down in Jacksonville. Should i go to that or go home or go to NYC for NYE? i cannot fucking decide and input would be highly appreciated. glad to be back down in A-town as of now... can someone talk to god about this frickin weather? its fucking up my tan lines.

Caption Contest

2005-11-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

well, in an effort to tease you to come back in 2 hours, i am throwing up a Maxim style Caption Contest. (in other words, mine sucks and i would like to hear if there's any creative fuckers out there)

a little 8 year old boy called, he wants his cereal box back

ps-- for the record, i hate cheerios now. loved em as a kid, hate em now.

Paradisus Lost

2005-11-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

Well, i am back from our lovely closest territorial neighbor Puerto Rico. i guess i shouldnt say lovely... the parts that we drove through to get to paradise looked like a hurricane had blown through. half the tiendas were selling doors and windows, the other tacos y burritos. i have been to puerto rico before, done the toury thing, had lots of sex, saw the fort... this was a way different trip. ya see, my dads fam is from good ol' southern luuvul kentucky. they are a humble mix of jews, the small things in life please them. my mom's side is from jersey; the rest of that fam lives in boston, cambridge and lexington for those familiar. they are fucking big ass ballers and my aunt would only arrange for the best premium shit for a family vacation of 15. i mean we only do it once every 5 years so you can imagine, she gets the bang for my grandfather's buck.

the name of the place is paradisus. after further research, they are a big chain of badass hotels all over foreign countries. here is our specific one. for those of you who dont click on links, click on it because it was a sick nasty place and quite the delectable website. anyway, let me describe my basic routine for any given day.

this is the front shot of the hotel
9:00 am - Sun pours into window; sleep is futile. go into free mini bar and grab OJ. smoke stog on porch in bath robe, which i never use. throw on shorts and head for breakfast.

9:30 am - eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want. this includes bloody marys, egg omelettes, fruit bar, weird ass puerto rican pigs in blankets, gross bagels.

10:00 am - grab ipod, apply minimal lotion, go to pool. while at pool, grab bottles of water, daquiri, pina colada, rum n coke, whatever drink you want. whenever. maybe take a little dip, maybe not. maybe read a little, ehh... better to listen to tunes and look at the muff walking around all over the place.

one of the biggest pools i have ever seen... puerto ricans need baths too, ya know
1:00 pm - grab lunch. wraps, sandwiches, steak, chicken, whatever you want. any kind of drinks. start boozing now, what the hell do you care. martinis. wine. crown and coke. kettle one on the rocks. FUCKING UNLIMITED BEVERAGES! sick.

4:00 pm - it starts raining like florida, off and on. go into room and curl until dinner.

6:00 pm - dinner. top shelf liquor. hibachi. turkey and dank sweet potatoes, gravy. steak. surf and turf. sick.

9:00 pm - start boozing. just imagine the possibilities. sun + free booze + big fancy lounge + dumbass girls away from their parents + beach + pool + anything you want. i wont say i didnt do anything illegal in puerto rico. but my dooshie cousin and i decided not to tell anyone and that would technically include all of you. also, there was a casino but it was so carney... puerto ricans speaking in spanish at the card table? are you kidding? if you wanna see this next fucking card you better stop speaking fucking sputnik.

3:00-5:00 am - crawl back to bed, spent. repeat.
===============================
things you should now know about the world:
- i am the shade of black like dr. dre or run from run's house.
- i love and hate places like that, where everyone is a spoiled little bitch.
- my mom loves it. my sister hates it. my sister hates my mom.
- there are cool kids from long island, you just have to search long and hard to find them.
- with the exception of wes barton, all kids (especially girls) who grow up in westchester are going to be cunts throughout their lives.
- i met miss alabama, and she was a fucking stunna chick.
- "mota" is the spanish slang for pot
- our mota in the US is way better than the dirt these puerto ricans sling
- it is true, puerto ricans love to park cars on lawns no matter where they are
- if you try to dance with a puerto rican man's wifey, it is 50/50 that a blade will be held to you
- puerto ricans love slapstick comedy. flops like the late 90's steve martin and chevy chase are hilarious to them. throw pies, hit people over the head, bang your foot in a door. HILARIOUS!
- church's chicken and puerto rico go hand in hand, no joke.
- mike vick will be in the playoffs this year, and we will win whether home or away.
===============================
bad segway? kiss my ass. how sick did vick look on turkey day? he didnt even have to play in the 4th quarter, just kick back those shiny shoes and watch the raw talent go. i have a conspiracy theory here for the falcons fans... mora put schaub out there not only because it was 27-0 but also because they want a national television audience (read: other coaches) to see the kid so they can trade him off for the highest bidder. like baltimore. or oakland. or arizona. comments?

you know that feeling when you get back from vacation and you get into work and you look around and you wonder, was the vacation surreal or is this surreal and you need to get the fuck out of here and wander the earth like jesus or jules from pulp fiction or mike coren. i mean my place looks like the scene from the matrix when neo gets the phone call from morpheus to trust him and do what he says. then he dots around cubes and under desks to escape reality. he worked in a cube farm, i would say i am in more of a cube rice paddy. still cubes, just not a whole slew of them lined up in one huge room. let me debate this and get back to you.

i am peacing out of town this weekend too. my destination is to west hartford, connecticut. football game, swilly, boozing, debauchery, cold weather, indian casinos, and maybe(?) vagina. hopefully i will have more goodies this week. peace.

The Great Amurrican Smokeout

2005-11-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

when asked what he was going to do today, the great napoleon dynamite responded, whatever i wanna do gosh! mortals, understand that i am busy as a mother fucker at work. you should see the vb.net code going on over here....its insane. when i am not at work, i am imbibing and inhaling massive bubbler rips and abusing tivo and my ipod. i cannot just come up with crafty shit all day long at work, then write about it. i can also not remember all the crafty shit i think of when doing the latter activity. ergo, i got nothin. when a wicked smaat person such as myself cannot think of new and inspiring shit to talk about, what does he need most? vagina? well, yes. but the 2 arent intertwined. a permanent trip out west? well, yes... but i am a sucker for the guaranteed paycheck. a temporary trip to the 51st state in our union? well, yes...but its not tuesday yet.

thats right, shoobs is finally catching a long needed vacation to puerto rico. home of paul mcculloch-otero from mctyeire 3rd, rosie perez, benicio del toro, and jorge posada. its an all-inclusive open bar tab casino pool beach fly bitches resort. talk about my favorite things of all time. i am sure i will have mad shit to b-log about when i get back sunday the 27th.
=========================
the big news going around the .gov is the new federal smokeout! policy. the other day the unions gave in to hefty bargaining agreements, as well as a health conscious shift from Dr. G herself, putting a smoke-free policy in place here. as a result, everyone still fucking smokes outside. its very secretive now though, people arent sure where to go or what to do. most continue to hit up the giant smoking booth with 2 ashtrays, but you never know when the man might come and getcha. problem is that half 'the man' smokes cigs out there too.

does anyone else think its kind of weak that a business can force the employees to not smoke? all the politicos who are enraged by .gov guiding life choices speak up! because i dont have a political arguing bone in my body.... all i know is, its fucking lame to put signs and balloons like this up all over the place when i am walking into work:

The Great American Smokeout!
in other news, the one weekend my dad comes to town and i would have had nothing to do saturday morning, this event comes along. the sacrifices i make for people...

click picture if you want to win $10,000 AND dont suck at madden
anyway thats about it. if you want to read something kinda funny (not to toot my own horn), i am currently having a 'comment war' with some uppity mom who cares what i think about her leash kid. anyone who wants to have fun can comment, i dont think she knows what the hell my bloggoals are about.

this picture looks like crap, but it was dwellis's turn to yack last friday night... mine was the neighbors parking lot the weekend before. thrice. splattery too.

have a great thanksgiving! turkey for you, turkey for me.

The Lost South Park Episode

2005-11-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

How funny would the following plot be. FOX is coming to film an all new season of a reality show in South Park, Colorado. They will be holding tryouts for Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy. a bunch of families go in for the interviews and of course, kyles mom, stans mom, kennys mom, and cartmans mom are selected as the moms who are supposed to be switched.

1. so cartmans mom goes to stans house.
2. stans mom goes to kennys house.
3. kennys mom goes to kyles house.
4. kyles mom goes to cartmans house.

What would happen if 'Wife Swap' came to South Park?
First off, i think they could do a few scenes where its like the confessional booth in Real World. the moms get to spout off and punk the kids, and the kids can talk shit about the new parent situation. also, the boys would definitely get into a fight over 'your mom' jokes. family reunion dinner at the end would somehow be ruined by cartman. and of course, the scenes inside the houses....

Stans House ==> everything is pretty normal at first. cartmans mom bakes stan and shelley cookies, a lot. and cheesey poofs. she cleans and is very obedient to Randy, the engineer. but then night comes, and mrs. cartman turns into a naughty naughty girl. she persuades randy to let her tie him in leather, etc. she invites other south park characters over for the marsh family gangbang. im tellin you, mrs. cartman would just be naughty but it would all be captured on film.

Kennys House ==> with kennys mom not around to yell and scream and cuss him out, and the dad off drinkin and working all the time, kenny becomes a clean straight-a student and starts turning his life around. he enters all kinds of new sports and academic challenges. including a science fair, where he is killed by his own project.

Kyles House ==> kyle gets the worst of this deal. he and his dad and baby brother are freaked out by this crazy white trash redneck. kyles neurosis gets way worse without the presence of his jewish mom. he is constantly bashing reality tv and fox for what they have done to his family's core values, etc etc. he turns to drinking with his dad, who now also plays the lotto and beats his new wife.

Cartmans House ==> this would be the funniest part of the sketch. imagine mrs. brovlosky stuck in a house alone with cartman who is a jew hating nazi promoting crafty little fucking fat 8 year old. it might be condoned as slightly ripped off family guy, but cartman would devise crafty ways of punishing jews and specifically kyles mom, who he hates so very much. also it would be good to see the mother son conflict when cartman asks his new mom to get him some pie and milk cuz he is too lazy to get off his fat ass. no jewish mother would ever let cartman treat her the way he treats his real mom.

im tellin you all, funny ass shit.

Arm Candy

2005-11-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

(i am working on a spicy 2nd post, just bare with me.. hehe, bare.)

Soo you were invited to your cousins mothers sisters (your mom, right?) 25 year anniversary party. and the party is apparently going to blow the doors off your bar mitzvah (12 years, 2 days ago) there are going to be mad important people in the room in terms of your currur; guys you need to talk to for a little bit about job stuff but you want to soften their eyes a little bit. maybe knock back a few before you head over there and schmooze your fucking head off for the next 35 minutes. now when you normally go to these things, your jappy jewish mother is always like 'you can bring anyone you want'. read: where the fuck is a girlfriend?! but you really dont have one. i mean you want one, there just arent any chilled out cool ones biting at your bait ya know. but this particular party requires a date. lets say theres some datey activities during the party and maybe the brunch the next day that you have to have a chicky in tow. what do you do?

now you dont have to worry, partner. there is this concept that i was recently made aware of and have just fictionalized in the above story. thats right, if a situation pops up where you basically have to have a date and she has to act like a girlfriend even if she isnt, you need to get yourself some 'arm candy'. its the new eye candy, except you get to touch and parade around and pretend for a day. the only reason i heard this term is because my hot coworker said it and i think its funny as shit.

there are girls out there who would be a good friend and go as your date just so you can show her off to other boys. they know they're hot, you know they're hot, and they want everyone else to know that you know that they're hot. and that, dear readers, is a new term you can sling around your IM convos. more to come shortly.

Mandatory Friday Post

2005-11-04T15:20:00.000-05:00

I mean it when i say blogging is just not comin easy these days. i am so frickin busy at work busting my ass for these damn indians who refuse to follow the government code of being lackadaisical and continue their hard-working approach to any task. as a result i am learning a lot about vb.net and css stylesheets and all that crap, cant follow pop culture news nearly as closely.

last night i played poker again and cashed out up 55 on 50 bucks buy-in. i just played solid poker and was able to pull a win. so that makes my total for this game 2/2 for 305 bucks. not bad to make 1000% interest on your investments. i stone cold bluffed twice, for medium size pots... that makes me even more wet than doubling up with all-ins on AA.

along the lines of my winning personality, i also got to catch the traditional thursday night espn louisville cardinals home game... against dave wannstedt and his pitiful pitt crew. the line was -21 and the ville was up 15 with 9:45 on the clock. they proceeded to run 18 plays for 80 yards, 9 minutes, and of course the completely unnecessary rushing td at the end... causing me to jump and shout for the luckiest bet win ever. i mean swings like that happen a few times a week in vegas, its always good to be on the W side of that column.

monday was of course the annual office halloween party. if any of you are watching one of the funniest shows on tv, nbc's office, you can relate to the fact that my party was held in our conference room like last year and was just as fucking pathetic and boring as ever. i guess thats just how we roll here...

from left to right, thats avian flu, cowboy, star wars, and a 65-year old teabag

LAAAAME! i did not receive a cupcake last year....
in other news i decided to 'table' my halloween costume idea for a year when i have more jewfro working for myself.... i just couldnt do justice to krusty the clown or ben wallace from the pistons. instead my idiot roomie who ordered a costume next-day delivery on october 29 that never came, forced me into the 10-years aged beavis and butthead. i guess it turned out pretty well.

of course what would a party be without dirty 80s rockers and a few indie hipsters.

and a little hetero-erotic fun
what?! so i like babys nipples... so what! at least im not r kelly.

and thats basically all ive got. next friday i get off for veterans day, which is more than i can say for the majority of my homies. gonna take my 60 in winnings and line up 10 shots of petron tonight at neighbors for this chickies bday. corned beef sunday is officially so on. and dont worry, you wont miss your atlanta falcons taking it to miami on the road 31-13. (they have sunday ticket..and shuffleboard!)

oh shit i forgot! paulie just bitched about getting unsolicited devil666-ticketmaster emails about upcoming ripoff shows you can buy tix for. however, i had to click on this link to truly find out what the "1st Annual Dirty Awards" were for $50. you can see for yourself.

have a great fucking weekend! go falcons. run dunn run! check vicklantasy for fantasy updates.

Just Feeling Saucy Today

2005-10-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

ok the reason i started this bad boy blog was to discuss rants and raves about global topics we can all understand. but, its innewiwabel. inewiwabl. inevitable that eventually i talk about totally selfish topics. like today. i am feeling like the fucking money, like the bomb today. perhaps its the fact that house parties are so fucking rare that a two-fer halloween weekend is just so necessary right now. wintermute has thrown some goodies before, so i am stoked bro. i cant decide which order i should go to the two parties.... any input sackhil?

and speaking of indians and feeling like the bomb, i will now get to the point of todays blog. i love playing cards. i mean i know i have talked about games throughout the 2ish years, and they have been some good nights, but last night i played in a brand new poker game and just fucking tore up the mother fucker. paulie, you can take notes son. the first thing i did correctly was to arrive 20 minutes late so i could pick a seat. picking a seat in any poker game is crucial, but especially in a new game where youve heard rumors its soft. ideally, you want to be on the right side of any soft/weak/folding players and to the left of all the crazies who raise/play anything loosely. that way you get to see what is being bet before you decide to raise or fold-- there is no call. last night i knew half the people in the room and got the money spot to their left. the night before i was on the wrong side of this equation and it damaged my stacks badly.

the second thing i did correctly was not show up stoned, but just show up with bag in pocket for later 'sup ups'. now i know this doesnt affect us all, but i truly believe in the powers of potent pot and the fact that it throws everyone off your game. you smile but youre really nervous. you get serious and they think you have the nuts. you say outlandish shit all the time. and of course it gives you insight into the fifth level of poker thinking, namely: what does he think i think he thinks i have?

third, and this is true for every game, i was getting some damn good cards. the thing is, so was everyone else. AA was seen 7 times last night, and we're talking 7/180 hands right? thats insane. they only got cracked 2/7 times. mine held. i also saw KK, QQ, 10-10, 5-5. lots of pocket pairs. and of course they hit a lot. or nothing hit and i was money. but i must say i also doubled up right away with 3-6. ya know? i was hitting cards like a champ no matter what i had.

so now begs the question: so what, you were getting cards and hence the luck factor was swinging karmatically your way, right?

if you ask that question then you dont know the first thing about poker. good poker players do not believe in luck until the end of the night when they cash out or bust out. until then its a skill game with no-limit texas. setting up plays where you fold so that three hands later you can check raise your set into his top pair. slow rolling your nuts when the board flops rainbow. these are the moves that throw deception into poker, not the slap happy look on my face from smoking a j.

i called my time to leave as 12:30 am. i didnt leave until 1:45. they kinda begged for me to stay since it was short handed, and since i was up about 60 bucks i figured what the hell. i love poker. so i originally bought in for $30 and had $90 in my stack. everyone else at the table had a good amount of chips and this was the shark crew, the guys who will take your whole bankroll without dropping a tear. on the button i look down and see QQ. luckily someone else raised to 2 bucks and i called. then my buddy who is really really good raised it to 10 in the small blind. everyone folds, i call. flop comes 9-10-5 two hearts. he bets 10, i call. ($48 pot) blank on the turn. he bets $15, i say ill just put you all in. he doesnt get what is really happening but he decides this is where to make a stand so he calls with 2-2. essentially nothing. i flop the queens, i felt bad, but i took down a $65 pot right there.

ok so now i have $150 in my stack off a $30 buy-in on my first night at a game where i wanted to leave an hour ago. next hand i got K-K and made it 3 to go, but no one played. two hands later, i get the old pocket 5-5. i am in the small blind. this indian kid sanjay makes it $10 to go. now this is seriously the play i have set up all night with the kid. i call the $10 easy and obviously will fold to a big bet if i dont hit. unfortunately, the flop comes out 5-6-8 two spades. i am serious here because this is important. twice in the night, i folded top pair with a medium kicker to sanjays crazy all-in bets. both of the times i was playing shit like Q-8, J-8. trouble hands. easy to fold hands though right? i mean do you want to lay $80 on your shitty 8. just wait til the next time. ok so he has seen me fold to him the top pair of 8's and now an 8 is on the board. so i casually stonily say i'm all in. it took him about 3 seconds and then he fucking calls. i mean he had about $80 into my $150 so i ask him are you serious? yup. so i turn over my set. anyone wanna guess what he turned over? ill tell you since no one would ever comment a guess.... he had AK with one spade. AK? AK? why the fuck did you just call? (this is in my head) his only hope is running spades and when 4th street is a blank its all over. since the game was short handed there were only 3 of us left at that point and the game was over.

last hand of the night pushed me to a cash out of $280 on $30 buy in. soft seat indeed. so if you all actually made it through that entire blog you should pat yourselves on the back. i know when i got in my car away from all those shark fuckers i screamed my closest impersonation of lil jon's yaaaaaaaaaaaaa. and then hit the ipod. and then drove home.

i thought about why sanjay called pretty much the rest of last nights conscious hours and most of this morning. i still dont get why he called. i put him all-in, the only way he could win is to have a hand. he must have thought i was drawing and lying or just flat out lying. truth is i just wanted to get some fucking sleep. so he also happens to work for the same place i work, and this email was in my inbox when i got into twerk today, eyes wide shut and a big fucking shit-eating grin on my face.

I'm In! Now....Celebrate

2005-10-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

i have actually already been "in" for quite some time now, coming on two years since i switched from horrible cingular devil 666 roaming plan. but now i am "in" with a nifty little camera phone, as i repeat myself for the 3rd time. so without further ado, let me show you some of my amateur cell phone captures. i am getting better at the discreet factor, although remembering to turn off the flash is becoming somewhat of a problem. hopefully in another few months i will have turned the weird angle shots into normal, all-pro photography. but for now, this is all i got....

despite his penchant for sticky west coast buds, dwellis is actually sending love to wisconsin

on my way to work one day, there were like a swarm of mommies walking down clifton to drop their babies off at daycare. i happened to catch one of them whilst driving. i especially like the bigfoot vague/blurry factor of the picture

after many repeated knocks at my gamer lifestyle, the roomie gets caught up in NHL 06 hockey frenzy. he loves checking sweaty guys against the glass

you know that commercial where its like, when you retire are you going to sit here... or here? well i dont know where ill be sitting, but i now know all consultants will be on the club level baby

and finally, these 2 poor jets fans were in front of us all night. some obnoxious curly headed kid would not stop screaming directly into their ears. and after about 37 minutes when Brooks Ballicker was seen on MNF, this guy concedes defeat and rocks this classic jets fan t-shirt.
(Just End The Season)

MNF Part 2

2005-10-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, i will once again be embarking on a mind-altering experience to the GA Dome for our 2nd of 3 Monday Night Football games this season. I received a late late 4:45 phone call from yanyayan yatz (my roomie) and it went something like this:

Yan: hey do you want to go to the falcons game tonight
Me: dude, what a fucking teaser. now you changed your mind?
Yan: well...
Me: you got tickets... free tickets?
Yan: ya and theyre sick too. section 223. look that up buddy.
Me: awesome man, ya ill definitely go
Yan: ya he said he had two extra tickets and a friend could go, i figured if i didnt ask you you know where i sleep and youd come after me
Me: well, thats true...
Yan: later

so for the second MNF game, i have secured tickets way way late in the day. hopefully MARTA wont be ridiculously backed up until 2 am again. and due to my fantasy roster deficiencies, hopefully well see a lot more of this guy in the end zone:

i am 5 points back in FF, but my opponent has Vick and I have Dunn.

Brain Farts

2005-10-19T13:02:00.000-05:00

Blogger readers, i apologize for my lack of creativity. i dont know if you have ever tried to force spontaneous creativity but i must say, it doesnt work very well. i dont think i could ever be a true writer, i just get in the mood where i think i have said all the shit i can think of. no new material. maybe its because i limit myself to just posting long rants about one topic. my boy paulie has the best set up, little blurbs about however many things he has to say at the time. i think it mainly stems from the fact that video games are slowly taking away my life and john madden and his fucking hot routes, combined with the start of NFL season and baseball playoffs and (i have to admit) HD NHL Hockey, makes my mind fill with sports thoughts and pushes out the creative funny juice that may have once rested in its place. also work is getting more difficult and i am actually doing shit now. it sucks. balls. my only relief comes when i dont have to think about anything and can concentrate on the important shit: poker wednesdays (.25-.50 no limit hold em, $20 buy in + re-buys), Comcast HD DVR, ipod abuse, fantasy football, sports gambling, hot corned beef sandwiches, sticky icky, oh and allegedly somewhere in there i am supposed to care about women. see how fucked up my priorities are! so for now, just bare with me. hehe.

i think my technology upgrade of 2K5 is complete, however. i recently came into posession of a brand new celly, equipped with camera to catch all the crazy shit that happens to me.

last but not least, i have been thinking about doing a podcast with my buddy dwellis. not just one, but a series of them sometime soon... does anyone out there know the cheapest and easiest way to do this? i have been researching but it seems you have to pay $50 a year to have a feedburner. what the fuck is a feedburner anyway? and for the record, if anyone has any good podcast subscriptions i must have, my ears are open. there is hardly any good material from ATL residents, although i will say the Mylanta thing was funny but needs a new one. my fave is wtfBBQ guy. dude is mad funny.

--Herschel Krustovsky

god i hope i dont look this pathetic on halloween

The Shitey Toilet

2005-10-19T10:25:00.000-05:00

As I have stated before, the janitors here are the coolest people to talk to. no offense to the stuffy white people, but i have to deal with you all day. when i go outside to inhale a few rounds of death, there are two scenarios. the first is that there are scientists and lab people out there, having funny discussions about anything not work related. entertaining, easy to involve yourself, but no secret humor you can laugh inside about while pondering what ridiculous shit was just said. scenario 2, i am the only white boy out there and all the janitors are taking their breaks at the same time as i am.

ok, so picture a smoking booth. now picture a quiet rasta dude from england, a black 50 year old woman with a mouth full of fucked up teeth, but it spits the most lude crude cuss words ever, and two other big black girls. i know i cannot do justice to this story without the actual conversation, but pretend its like Beauty Parlor and these women are ranting and raving.

"This mornin im goin about my bizness and this white lady come up to me and tell me theys somethin wrong with the bathroom. i go in thea and someone done stopped up this motha fucka. nasty shit erywhurr. so i go back to my closet and go on about my bizness. lady comes back to me a few minutes later and asks why i didnt clean the bathroom. bitch this aint your house, i dont clean your bathroom for you whenever you want. she tell me i need to clean it every two hours. every two hours? i aint yo maid. it aint like it is at home where you can pay someone to clean shit every two hours. i work for goodwill bitch, not you. so she tell me she gon call my supervisor. i tell her go ahead, we sposta clean dem bathrooms twice a day, not drop whatever the fuck we doin to go clean up yo shit. better get you some lysol and get down on yo hands and knees and clean that shit up. motha fucka."

you get the idea.... then, other janitor was like

"same thing happened to me. someone clogged the tolet up with all they shit and come up to me askin me to clean the bathroom. i was like uh im a janitor, i work for goodwill, you gon have to call a plumber to fix that shit. shes an asian lady too. they fucked up."

i guess maybe you had to be there, but it was the best conversation ever. three black chicks just bitching about shitty toilets. anyway the best part was this. so one of them was out of cigarettes and she was like lemme borrow a cig from someone. one lady was like naw i got one for the road. rasta dude didnt say shit, he's the quiet type.

so i pull out my pack and kinda hand her a camel light.
she looks at me and she's like is that menthol?
i say no.
she gives me that scrunched up gross face and says no thanks.

now that shit is laughable.

The Talking Elevator

2005-10-19T08:21:00.000-05:00

"Floor 2. going down." beavis, butthead, and steven tyler can be heard snickering in the distance. the doors slowly slid closed. immediately he senses danger. something is going to go wrong. thats what he always thought, especially at 8 in the morning. not really. he knew his mind was getting the better of him any time he was enclosed in a 5x5 steel death trap. or a hot convertible car with the top on and the windows up. or when his buddies go puerto rico style and cram into a taxi hammered late night to save a few bucks. ah fuck it happened again, mind wandering. always trailing off. back to the elevator. he pushes the button for the basement. and he waits. not the kind of pause where youre comforted by the fact that god is good and its ok that nothing is happening. more like the i am going to die and this is gods calm before the storm. either i am stuck in this steel cell for hours to come, or i just stepped into a gravity endurance test hanging by a wire or two. mind racing. fuck! hit the button to open the doors. maybe they will just open and you can take the stairs. apparently you can become a better person around here if you just use stairs. but not today. as the cool sweat beads start to just show on his forehead, the doors make an affirming shut tight sound and the elevator begins to descend. "basement. going down." haha, i love talking elevator.

(ps-look how early i am to work today!)

Why Are All Movie Theater Employees Retards?

2005-10-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

As i stood in line waiting for one $4 soda at the movie theater, i could not help but notice how fucking retarded everyone at the movies acts. i mean, i can only think of one positive interaction with a movie theater staff.... and that was in LA, at this badass theater, where they had assigned seat reservations programmed into a chart when you purchased your tickets. they also had an usher bring you to your very plush seats, which were obviously guaranteed for your party size.

that means that every single other ixperience i have ever had at a movie theater has been a negative one. i am sure some of you feel the same way.... now i know the word retard might be sensitive to some pc people out there. but you know just as well as i do that, literally, all movie theaters hire retards to take your ticket stubs. honestly, this doesnt bother me one bit... make them think they have an acceptable job and that they can serve some value to the community... i'm all for it. in terms of job duties vs. pay wages, i bet they are the most normal ratio there is.

now lets talk about all the other employees in a movie theater. this is a typical layout of any theater lobby, i have decided to mock up Regal 24 Theaters setup.

Section 1 - The video game section. No retards actually work here, but if you are still playing the video games at the movies for like a dollar a pop, then you are officially a retard yourself.
Section 2 - Bathrooms at movies are just disgusting in general, probably due to customers pissing out half a gallon halfway through the best part of the plot twist.
Section 3 - These are new additions in the past 3 years... ticket machines that take credit card. of course the people who usually operate these machines are idiots who do not understand what a touch-screen is and definitely can never read instructions. i like to play a game where one person stands in that line, the other in the human line, and see who is faster: the retard whose sole job it is to sell tickets, or the machine that deals with retards pushing its buttons.
Section 4 - previously discussed 'front line' of retardation, the ticket sellers. i will give them credit for being able to do complex calculations with the assistance of a cash register.
Section 5 - The actual retards who take your tickets and tell you to enjjy da muvh. (enjoy the movie)
Section 6 - my pet peeve, the concession stand at a movie theater.

now i dont want to get off on a rant here, but the concession stands at the movies need a serious overhaul. the other day i went to see Two For the Money (mids-- 2.5 stars, netflixable). my crew is consistently right on time for any movie. i mean we have never ever missed a movie and we usually skip every commercial and most coming previews. we just have a knack for packing the bowl twice and speeding to the movies to arrive at the best possible moment for most high viewing without seeing crappy infomercials. seriously, we take pride.

anyway, so we get there and i feel like we're late so me and yan head to the seats. we went to n. dekalb mall, basically because we knew that it wouldnt be nearly as full due to the fact that black people and white people just dont see the same flicks. of course we were about 5 minutes early so i go out to grab a drink for cotton mouth. ok, so i am 2nd in line (miracle) and the guy to my right is doing the oldest movie theater sketch comedy ever: 'damn, popcorn costs 4-fitty? how much does that orange drink cost? daaaamn. take it off, take that off, put that on, and take that off. alright now how much do i owe you?' i mean come on bro, that comedy routine is soo fucking stale. also, youre taking 20 minutes to get your order in... what fucking movie are you seeing and how do you have so much time to waste? it was in this time that i realized the concession stands are the worst fucking bottle neck in any business model and that the people behind the counter are absolutely the most braindead, sloth, retarded people on earth.

so lets discuss how a typical concession stand runs.... you can tell i got crafty with visio today.

ok so in this example, there are 6 cash registers... of course half of them work and there's maybe enough people to take orders (baby blue). but the people taking orders are not just taking orders, they are also taking cash, grabbing candy, grabbing popcorn, and grabbing their own drinks. these people move incredibly slow. i mean why is that? why do movie theater workers move slower around a 4x4 foot space than any other humans on earth? next... the green dots. these people, i can only guess, are in charge of making sure that popcorn does in fact pop and that ice cubes do in fact freeze before they are poured into a $4 cup to be served. they dont help any of the cashiers, but they do take up a lot of space doing nothing. then you have the people in the back, with the button downs and the 'hi my name is manager' tags. now a normal manager is in charge of overseeing all other responsibilities of the employees, but since the workers are slothy and the popcorn people are idiots, the managers only decide to interact if someone is really fucking something up bad. do you know how much effort it takes for the manager to help smooth out the process? i dont either, because they never actually do.

now lets take a look at how an efficient concession stand could potentially run if these people just sat down and talked it over, or maybe went to one managerial class, or maybe noticed how mcdonalds does things in warp speed compared to the movies. diagram b:

Improvement #1 - The CASHIER people- get this- just take orders and cash! oh my god, this is one of the innovative changes we've finally been looking to make! we just couldnt come up with it ourselves. yes thats right, the people in charge of taking orders should just do ONE thing: TAKE ORDERS. no need to scoop the popcorn. no need to grab the key from the manager to get to the candy. just take orders, and take money.

Improvement #2 - The green dots can become RUNNERS, and not just useless braindead space fillers that throw seeds into the popper. the duties of a runner are to check the orders being taken by the CASHIER and then running to go get them. or jogging. or quickly walking. but definitely not crawling, or moping, or whatever the fuck it is youre doing now. make sure each order is right, and then pass off the items to the customer. if the line gets longer, the cashier can maybe grab drinks, but leave all the tough running to the runner.

Improvement #3 - The red dots, the MANAGERS, can do this crazy thing called managing. this could include any of the first 2 improvements plus extra responsibilities, like making sure someone stocks the candy, popcorn seeds, boxes, CO2 things, whatever it takes to actually manage a biz. this does not include ever being a bitch or an asshole to the employees and treating them like retards, when the whole stem of the retard issue comes from the fact that youre a MOVIE THEATER MANAGER! you fucking retard. instead of talking to each other about how bad the staff is, why dont they try and help out the runners and maybe even taking a few orders now and again. honestly, if they just delegated the responsibility to more employees, their only job duty would be to tell everyone to hurry the fuck up all day long.

Improvement #4 - HURRY THE FUCK UP ALL DAY LONG. i cant stress this enough. why do movie theater employees move slower than molasses in antarctica? this is definitely a question that can only be answered by Mr. Owl and God him/herself.

If anyone has any other addendums, you know what to do. If anyone worked in a movie theater, sorry for being the one to inform you of your dysfunctions. and if anyone agrees with me, can i get an amen up in this mother fucker? that is all.

56 Fucking Spam Mails!

2005-10-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

I received 56 fucking spam mails this weekend on the blog comments. god damn, i was ok with 1 or 2 but 56 was just too much. as a result, word verification crap is turned on. i have this feeling that no one will comment since there is an additional step, hopefully you all will still somewhat participate. since i am a huge nerd, i went back through every post that they spammed and deleted their comments. so ha!

This weekend was a crazy one. Saff and her friend Alli came into town wednesday night, choobs came in thursday night, and the weekend was full of stuff and alcohol. here are a few things i took away as lessons learned.

1) If you are a guy who owns a house, it is imperative that you have as many sets of sheets/comforters/bed items as there are beds. otherwise your lovely guests will be forced to sleep on a mattress with no fitted sheet and 1 1/2 pillows, not to mention fighting over 2 blankets because we all know that girls get fucking freezing if they dont have their down comforter and duvee cover. and yes, i know what a fucking duvee cover is!

2) ouzo is the greeks way of punishing american tourists who just want to get in on the fun. it tastes like a harsh blend of jagermeister and rubbing alcohol. once it hits your lips... you just want to puke it back up. sick fucking drink, definitely not one to get crunk off of.

this restaurant is one of the good ones off cheshire bridge road. bring a big party, get a big plate of meat. at Taverna Plaka.
3) cameltoe is still cool.

4) Girls pass out. a lot.

and yes, erik love, upon further inspection that is a hot girl from philly wrapped up in an ATLANTA FALCONS blanket.

5) i will take an asian teammate in trivial pursuit over a white person any day. let the record show that two boys with bachelors degrees fucked up some penn ivy law school yatches.

6) girls have this thing. one of those things guys dont really know about. apparently, there are little gel packets (with warming liquid) that you can throw in your bra to make it fill out more. the packets kinda feel like a tit, and if they are pressed up against tits, i think they feel just like the real thing. at first i guess i thought this was semi-deceptive and not 'keepin it real'. upon further introspection, i realized if a girl was getting naked in my bed and one of those happened to pop out, it would have no ill effect and i would proceed with the buckin'.

7) Hi-Fi Buys Ampitheater truly is the best outdoor venue in this town. the allman bros can still rock out. fully. and hippies love when the allman brothers rock out, no matter what generation of hippie they are. stonewashed hippies. tie-dye hippies. little curly hippies fresh out of high school.

i think thats about it. to the Jews, happy Rosh (hebrew word for head). to the muslims, happy ramadan. and to you christians, well... just be happy we're going to hell. Go Braves!

Kosher Gunplay

2005-09-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

"Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun.. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off.”

When I was a junior, we decided that it would be a good ‘brotherhood’ event if a bunch of guys headed up the highway to go fire off a few rounds at some shooting range targets. someone found a sketchy strip mall shooting range up 75 called Georgia Range and Guns. so about 25 of us caravaned up to the range to pop a cap in someones ass. i think it would be safe to say that the only one out of everyone in the group who had ever shot a real gun was Skance, from new mexico. he used to shoot small animals and whiskey bottles for friday night entertainment. the rochesties had probably seen all kinds of pistols in philly, when they left the suburbs and drove into the city on a weekend. point is i had never shot a gun and neither had most of us.

so we pull up to the place and everyone files inside. imagine a jewelry store case display, spanning the entire room, only this one was filled with all kinds of guns. now take the chandeliers and replace them with animal trophies on the wall. finally, replace the jewish manager and hot blonde saleswoman with 3 rednecks who could collectively account for 20 teeth. we were divided into two groups, and i was chosen to be in the first one. here are the rules: 1) you must have a shooting partner. 2) two people to a booth. 3) you can use any gun in the house.

so i was paired with shane. he plucked a nice little 9 mm from the case. some guys knew what they wanted, apparently they had read up on their NRA propaganda. i, on the other hand, was just stuck staring at all the different types. biggies, small boys, fatties, minis, long, stubby. (i am using technical terms here, so try to keep up) like i fucking knew which gun was which. so i tell the guy "just get me the old 44 magnum."

in case you have never shot a gun before, ive gotta say... you have to have the stomach for it. i know that sounds weird, but the thought of yielding a weapon that could end life really kinda freaked me out. i mean i was only here because everyone else was. i would be happy firing one shot and smoking a bowl in the parking lot.

anyway, i digress. shane gets up there with the glasses and earphones, aims at the target, and just starts pounding bullets. maybe 2 hit, the rest i have no idea where they went. the floor was this kind of hard foam, but the targets were like 25 feet away. once he was done emptying about 12 rounds, it was my turn. so i get up there like dirty harry, stand poised, put both hands on the gun, lock and load, and fire the first shot. umm, no idea where the bullet went. no idea how to control kickback. no idea what the fuck a jewish boy from kentucky is doing at a shooting range with a 44 magnum bigger than my fucking head. i fire a few more off and realize i suck at shooting. shane decides he wants to try a few shots with my gun. so i hit the safety, step back, and watch my shooting partner take aim with the mag. ku-chink. ku-chink.

he lets a few rounds go when out of nowhere, a guy who was down the way runs up and kinda grabs him and screams--
guy: What the fuck are you doing?!?! You think this is a fucking joke?!
(taken aback and not realizing what he did wrong)
shane: What the fuck is your problem man?
guy: Youre shooting that gun at the fucking ground. This isnt a joke you could hurt someone!
shane: i mean i dont know what im doing
guy: what do you mean you dont know what youre doing, havent you ever shot a gun before?
shane: no this is my first time
guy: well you cant just come and shoot unsupervised if youve never shot before
shane: no one in this room has ever shot a gun before
guy: are you fucking serious?! none of you have shot guns before? well listen buddy you need to get the hell out of here, i'm kicking you out.
shane: are you serious man? i dont know what the fuck i did wrong!

and so shane and i left. peacefully. the one thing you cant do is shoot a gun range owner. the guy running up and grabbing shane and tearing his fucking head off + gunplay + bullets whizzing at the ground and ricocheting + my jewy pacifist outlook = guns didn't really do it for me.

so if you ever find yourself face to face with me down a long dark alley, you can be sure of a few things.
1) i dont have a gun on me
2) if i did have a gun on me, you would have plenty of time to take aim and fire
3) if this was a halo 2 game, youd be dead by now
===============================
on a side note, biggups to the Braves. i started to root for philly this week, in anticipation of us locking it up... i would rather play san diego and have st louis play philly. at least we know we can beat them and perhaps philly would knock out st. louis by some fucking miracle. as it turns out, philly is all but out and we are gonna have to hose the 'stros one more fucking time. then beat pujols. then beat the yankees. hey, its doable. franco/francouer combo will lead the karma way.

the pennant wall over center field will have to be extended if we keep this up

New Fall Lineup

2005-09-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Fine toma! i will talk about the easiest thing to talk about, HDTv. first off i would just like to say that comcast can suck a big fatty... they always advertise about the Dish going out and how reliable their service is in comparison... i cant tell you how many DVR scheduled programs did not get recorded this past week due to comcast having horrible reception, sometimes the picture would freeze, or hop out of surround sound randomly. in any case, a lot of new shows have already started and in case you didnt jump on the bandwagon before, you can just netflix what you want and start checking out the following shows:

Shoobie's Heady Danky Tivo Schedule for the Fall of 2005

-NEW FAMILY GUY episodes began last night on FOX at 9. quite amusing. family guy is clearly one of the top 3 shows ever created, so its no wonder they wanted to re-open the new episodes this fall. in case youre living on a fucking other planet, Stewie Griffin: the untold story, a straight-to-dvd movie is being released this tuesday. you can come watch it at our HD DLP Tv tomorrow, the viewing will begin around 9 pm. The only thing i request is that you dont come empty handed, pinch some from your mom if you have to.

- LOST kicked off its second season last week, on cbs wednesday at 9. If you didnt watch the first season, you missed out on perhaps what is the best cliffhanger show ever on tv. (go rent asap) i mean they opened the hatch for christs sake! and i have no idea whats going on in there, not to mention who would kidnap a kid in the middle of the ocean from a group of airline survivors. good eye candy, excellent plot, twists and turns everywhere. awesome show.

-DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES began, on abc sunday at 9. yes, i am a straight male. yes, i would rather watch football than shop. however, the eye candy factor on this show is just too much to pass up. i havent even watched the 1st episode since there is so much sunday programming, but when i do i am sure i will be right back in the mix of wisteria lane. can teri hatcher and eva langoria please just get to fucking so i can kill a kitty and get back to the NFL game?!

-WEEDS has already run about 4 shows, but if you read this blog and you laugh at the stoner jokes, i can guarantee you will like this showtime show, mondays at 10. most people dont have showtime since it sucks except for late night specials... until now. we have a free trial from comcast somehow, but this show is definitely dank. and its not all about weed!

-CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM started yesterday, hbo sunday at 10. This is also a top 3 ever show for me, and yes... even over seinfeld. why? because they can blow up the f-bomb and say things that couldnt be said on network tv. if you havent seen the first 4! seasons, then you are an idiot. rent quickly and catch up, hbo is infamous for their re-runs. first epsiode was high-mids but i know better ones are down the pipe.

-ROME is a miniseries on hbo sunday at 9 pm. i think yesterday was episode 4, but i would like to say that i am hooked and the sex, nudity, and violence is pretty sweet in this one. i think the director had some serious creative license, but this show should not be missed. and when i say nudity, i mean cock, balls, ass, tits, and bush. furreal. the show is about ceasars rise to power, and the vibrant colors and awesome scenery is amazing. NAMBLA sex with little boys can be fast forwarded.

-MY NAME IS EARL is on NBC Tuesdays at 9 pm. the star of the show is Jason Lee, from Mallrats and Jay and Silent Bob, etc. the first episode already happened, but i laughed almost the entire time. earl is an idiot (think office space neighbor) who is trying to make up for all the bad stuff he's done in life by doing good for the same people. he got his inspiration from carson daly talking about karma on TRL.... truly a great plot background for what looks to be a hilarious season. Jaime Pressley in hot pants and a beater helped.

-THE OFFICE is on NBC Tuesdays at 9:30. This american version of the BBC series is hilarious. Steve Carrell is always hilarious. i love lamp. this time he is the manager of a crappy office somewhere in pennsylvania. the jokes are americanized and the show separated from the british version after episode 1. you should have already seen the original Office, and now you should be watching this one too.

- JOEY is on NBC, thursdays at 8 pm. OK, this show might not get the ratings that friends once enjoyed... but joey is a character everyone has come to love. Drea de Matteo seriously helps out, not to mention the hot landlord Andrea Anders. dont ask, i dont know her either. also, paulo the stoner from road trip who i have met in person is on the show. Joey jokes never get old.

- SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE is on comedy central, 10:30 Thursdays. even without his SNL writers, david spade maintains his sarcastic shit eating grin comedy with this prelude to the Jon Stewart show. they have been trying to get a good one on CC, and i think this show is funny. some of the jokes are completely blank, but most of them are hilarious. think 'hollywood minute', but fresher and more funny.

-EXTRAS also premiered yesterday on hbo sunday at 10:30. This show is produced by Ricky Gervais, who created the original Office for the BBC. its dry, as most british things are. but it was funny. Gervais is just an average person like you or me, not start struck at all with celeb life, and has a warped sense of how people interact with each other. as a result, he is subtly and intelligently offensive, and since its on HBO he can say shit and fuck and bollocks and whatever weird words brits use.

-HEAD CASES uhhh, actually this one got the proverbial 'ax' from FOX. two episodes, mids at best. adam goldberg just cannot get his career off the ground as a star. chris o'donnell, well... as katz put it he went from movie star to cancelled tv star pretty quickly. maybe he will resurface one day. this show was kinda bad and i would rather be on the Lost island at the same time, instead of watching.
====================
Falcons had an awesome weekend. D. Hall caught another INT.
Louisville lost its national champ bid this weekend. sucks. sucks bad. horrible game.
check vicklantasy for an update on my fantasy shit... i played "popped collar" KB this weekend, and you should see the results.

Toady Bump + other swimps

2005-09-20T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesss.... another bland episode where i get to dispel all the crazy wack shit building up as notes to myself in the celly text message bin. for the record, i am finally getting an un-Zack Morris cell phone in a few days, thanks to verizons horrible renewal plan.

1. OK so the other day i was at a buddys place and they were cooking some dinner for whatever chica was going over there. so there was a loaf of bread out to make garlic bread and i was like oooh, can i have the toady bump? and they were like the what?!? and i was like, the toady bump.. ya know, like the end of the loaf. they had never heard of this concept. so then i looked into it on google... to no avail. apparently no one out there has even written the words toady bump = the end of a loaf of bread. sooo... is this just a kentucky thing? a shoobie family vocab word? does anyone know what i am talking about?! and what the fuck do the rest of you call it.... dont say heel, that sounds gay.

2. OK huge pet peeve of mine (and there are many)... waitresses who are toooo accomodating and overextending their courteous waitressing behavior. like if youre at breakfast and you order two eggs scrambled, toast, hashbrowns, oj. and the waitress says something like 'hey ill go ahead and bring out your toast and oj now so you have something to munch on'. i mean lady, thats a ridiculous over-extension of the generic waitressing duties. you dont have to do that, and i dont really want you to. what possible reason would i have to not wanting all the food at the same time? there is a similar lady to that in qdoba on ponce, she is like tiny with glasses, semi-rat-looking. she extends beyond the bounds of what she needs to do, therefore causing a huge bottleneck traffic jam because she offered to serve the food in a more special, but time consuming way. i hope you know what i mean. here is all a waitress needs to do for my tip: smile, be somewhat courteous (unless its vortex or ed debevics), get the order right, bring the food, ask once about refills and how it is, and bring the check when you know we're done. meal over, tip extended, no pet peeve.

3. I know there is a company out there called cafepress.com, where you can basically set up a catalog with your logo on it and sell any items you want. they get the meat, you get whatever you mark it up for, and everyone wins. the shirts and hoodies are unreasonable ($$), but i have been dying to make a few tshirts that i know people will want to wear. almost urban outfitters in style. i want to basically make an "I Slayed the..." series. who in their right mind would not want a shirt right now that says: I Slayed the SAT. for current apprentices like my boy yankatz, I Slayed the GMAT. sell like hotcakes i tell you. hotcakes.

4. Jose Canseco officially ruined baseball. that guy did more damage to the spirit of baseball than my kitty-killing spree of early September ever caused. first off, you signed on to be a part of what is commonly known as a B-list celebrity graveyard reality show. Surreal Life, in case youre not fans of watching awful actors make themselves look like lunatics. Then he pays someone to write his auto-biography, since he clearly does not have a grasp on the english language. in this book he calls "Juiced" he drops names of former teammates he knew were doing steroids. he doesnt say they are wrong, he just drops the names so his book sells copies. like they should be forced to go down on the burning ship of bankrupt with you because youre an asshole. meanwhile baseball has been turned upside down by congress (what the fuck?) who has nothing better to do considering they are running a country into the ground. i know this story is old, but god damn i hate jose canseco. the only plus-side to this whole thing is that a legitimate player like andruw jones has a chance to belt the most HRs in a season... well below the current 'juiced up' record.

5. Girls who bum cigarettes. hey, thats cool i guess. what is not cool is to bum it for a guy youre with who is too much of a chicken shit/homophobe/shyboy? to ask for himself. sure, you can have a cigarette. oh, you want a light too? butane costs a buck a pop.

6. whats the deal with the college kids who take a year off from school to 'go to europe'. whats over there that is so crucial to you finding yourself inbetween sophomore and junior year? what experience is so vital to your being that you have to break up college into two halves? i dont get the concept, and maybe its because i have never set foot on the continent of europe, but can someone explain why tons of college kids decide they need to walk the earth for a year?

Closing thought: Bring Back Freaknik!

Hooray Bulimia!

2005-09-19T14:13:00.000-05:00

(to be read in jamaican red stripe commercial guy voice)
===================================
Hey mon! You drink so much beer! Don't you feel fat and ugly?

Hey fat girl, come 'ere. Are you an ugly person?

(Well, I wouldn't consider myself...)

You dead ugly, girl! Why dont you head to the restroom and puke in the toilet?

now, YOU BEAUTIFUL!

It's bulimia! HOORAY BULIMIA!"

The Roast and Other Sweet Pics

2005-09-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

After 2 weekends ago's debauchery, i have finally narrowed down the pictures that i feel can best be posted to the bloggy blog. plus, i have a bunch of random ones sitting in my memory stick that need to be released to the public. if all goes well, this might launch the start of an incredible flickr account... who knows. to the frat readers who might be rocked by my harsh words, relax... its all in good fun and bad taste. lets get retarded, ha! lets get retarded in here.

this one was taken at Fado. chick was standing right next to me and i had the camera ready for shit like this. these are the fuggliest pointy elf boots i have ever seen. what in the fuck possessed you to purchase these? and what brain synapse told you it was ok to wear them out in buckhead?

the MNF game was sick. marta was incredibly easy there and practically impossible on the way home. but, we did arrive in time to see the falcons throwing bows at the 50-yard line with the soon-to-be-defeated eagles.

this chick truly encapsulates all that is wrong with philly residents. still worshipping the bon jovi era, T.O. rocks the faded jean shorts in this one

does anyone else feel like couples who wear the SAME JERSEY should be shot? i mean come on, its a 53 man roster... you cant find one other guy you like besides mike vick?

this one didnt come out too well but i thought it was cute to see a family of 8 hartwells
ok so lets get into the thick of things here. a bunch of buddies came into town last weekend. as much as i would love to say we are all tight as hell, it is simply not the case. we are more like drinking buddies who occasionally get together to cause ruckus and fuck shit up. loose contact is kept and once in awhile a big drinking party meets in a-town where we all went to college.

here are some funny ones that i just have to comment on:

i didnt know t mac hung around Rays pizza... but after a tough night at club liquid i can understand his hunger

ok..its official. Purse Puppies are NOT CUTE. do you live in LA, NYC, or MIA? if yes, disregard. if no, you are no longer allowed to put your puppy in a little bag and have drunk guys fawn over it despite the fact that it looks like a rat with gremlin ears. heres an idea, get a leash. ooh ooh, here's a better one- dont take your fucking dog with you to a bar!
my friends apparently do a lot of faces in their pictures. here are some of the classics, although i will say toma looks like a fucking goon in EVERY SINGLE picture. ive got to respect the guy for being consistent.

this is the desi version of zoolander blue steel

this is joey's tequila face

this is country's 'thirsty mike' face

this is the 'who cares if she just lactated on my shirt, look at them titties' face

this is the face of a man who knew his eagles would blow a big one in the dome 2 weeks from now

this is the 'i have no idea whats goin on right now' face; only stoners can wear it.
take a look at these two clowns. you have seen one of them before when we discussed the collar popping concept. now meet the younger version of kb, mr. house. dont adjust your monitors, he officially has the biggest receding hairline of any 22 year old guy i know. i'll give you 3 guesses on where he is from... if i tell you its not nyc, i bet you could get it in one.

these are just some more goody photos:

last but not least, totally mysogynist behavior turns out to be the most fun to have around 20 guys and 3 girls. i had to at least get one eat-out pose, somehow i snuck my way into this one:

mmmm, sarah d has the best d's i have seen. and by seen, i mean she puts them out there for all to peruse. only house gets to licky licky though.

i just met this girl that weekend, but she is cool as shit. i needed to throw this one on here because i would love to see this prehensile tongue in action.... on an ice cream cone! on an ice cream cone, people!

and last but not least, our buddy raph is from SanFran but his parents are the nicest germans i have ever met. when we were in cali, they let 8 of us crash in their house, which was so generous, especially if you knew the 8. however, its probably not a good idea to be throwing out the hail hitler sign in buckhead with all these people around... keep the urge to yourself until you get home.

here, sensei teaches us the best way to act like a german in public

thats it for today, not much of a roast... kind of a lackluster performance. tron, are you fucking satisfied now?

MNF

2005-09-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

Todays post is brought to you by the letters MNF. In case you are: not an nfl fan, a retarded atlanta resident, a girl who cares about purses and the color pink... tonight, your Atlanta Falcons will be hosting the Philadelphia Eagles.

This game has several implications:
- its a rematch of last years NFC Championship game (philly won, and went to SB XXXIX)
- Vick has never beat philly
- our tv schedule FINALLY includes several MNF games
- national tv audience adds additional pressure, as if it wasnt already there
- both teams have upgraded their defense and offensive players
- this is most likely the NFC Championship game that will be played later, so every W counts
- the Dome is sold out and the decibel level inside will dwarf that of a small airport

in a crazy turn of events, Shoobie has acquired two tickets to tonights game last minute. i am hoping to walk away with a big smile, bloodshot squinty eyes, and no voice. wost case scenarios include seeing TO do a new 'end zone move' on our turf for the whole nation to see, westbrook running over 150 yards, and no forced turnovers by our stacked D. best case scenarios include roddy white debuting for a record 10 receptions, mike vick actually running the ball on the eagles, 200+ yards passing, our cover corner d. hall INT'ing bullet passes, and of course the madden curse affecting mr. campbells soup in week 1, leaving koy detmer to huck it to TO and the other lame receiving core philly has.

expect a relatively low score, i would bet the under if i were you. these are both running teams with exceptional run stopping defense.

either way i will be posted up in the 300 level seats getting a nose bleed and busting my eardrums with the rest of the dirty south.

i am actually juuust black enough to own this jersey...

The Inside Secrets of a Frat House + Party

2005-09-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

Thats right yatches, today shoob is going to teach you all about the wonderful ways in which frat guys design their parties, setup, and behavior patterns to entice young muffin into disregarding anything they learned from their parents and kindly fall out of their clothes and into the arms of a willing-to-please-until-something-better-comes-along mentality of fratty frat frat boy. it may not be pretty, it may not apply at schools like MIT, but this is the cold hard truth about those places youve either never been to, checked out once or twice, or you were such a house rat that you suckfucked your way to the presidential suite (where i once slept).

So this is the layout of a typical frat basement...namely our design, but i am sure similar houses have a similar concept. basically this is 4 rooms: game room, all-purpose room, kitchen, laundry. In the top room, you have a (A) pool table where i can count on two hands how many guys railed a girl there. beer pong tables are also lined up in rows to allow for round-robin tourneys or just 'winner stays' formats of pong games. we play 10 cups, no bouncing, 2 balls in same cup= 3 drinks + ball back, 2 balls in 2 cups = 2 drinks + ball back, re-rack on 6 and 3 cups left only, blowing is for bitches. hope you got all that. also in this room is (B), the bar. this is where two trash cans full of milwaukee beast would remain on ice until the party started. 6-8 brothers rotated party duties, including two men manning the trash cans distributing beers to either brothers or hot girls, no strangers/guys. staircase leads to main floor. in the main room, a (C)dance floor served two purposes... one, for the frat bros to not know anyone at their party and play wheres waldo giving hi-fives to their buddies, acting cocky, and generally not caring who trashes the place. second, of course, to shake ass with the long line of hot freshies that shuffles into the room, completely unaware of what is going to happen next. obviously there is a (D) stage for DJ Sensei and/or DJ Kool/Biz Markie to spin jam jams. house speakers are included. each frat has a (E) kitchen where cooks like Ray Pontes make the kids eat gross shit. of course there is a (F) cooks bathroom, where our cook snorted lines upon lines. there is also a laundry set there.

if you continue on our tour upstairs, you can see how the typical layout of the floor was. The first room (A) was called the Bone Room. this is where you went to bone if you didnt live in the house, were locked out and needed to get your nut, or maybe you were just into changing up the environment. the room had some couches and desks and shit in there, but basically any 6x4 space was feasible. one time skance cut a girls head open in there and neither of them recollected how it had happened. the other room (B) is the house mom/dads room. this is usually a 20something who wants free rent and digs on college boys right after they graduate. of course there were also frat frat brother rooms on each floor (3) and the corner bedrooms had their own bathroom/shower, while the middles had to share. lets look inside one of these rooms....

This happens to be the coolest room in the place, and i happened to live with opdyke the human sponge that year, so i ixperienced a ton of boozing and shit while i was supposed to be the responsible one. all the beds (A),(F) were full size beds... this room happens to be a 2-story loft so my bed was upstairs. each room had a variety of (B),(E) papasans, couches, and of course every frat room has to have a futon with pullout bed option. tables with bongs and empty beer cans. (C) fat tv and stereo system. (D) solo bathroom with shower and puking facilities. the key to this room was a (G) spiral stair case which a two-story funnel was wound around and split for dual funneling action. you could get down on your knees with a girl and suck down a big fat beer bong, then pass out on the couch right there :)

The way a party works in a place like this is from the bottom up. Hordes of freshmen are packed into the basement trying to get into the beer room or the dance floor. As they make their way upstairs, the level of action goes from strong to weak. first floor is the best spot, 2 cases of natty were usually given to each room. second floor got one case per room. third floor had to fend for themselves. like i said before the beer room was overflowing with beers, but you had to be either hot or sucking a brothers dick to get one.

if you have kids now, they will probably be on the brunt end of this model as freshmen. if you are going to have kids, doesnt it suck to know youre going to pay 40K to send them through this process? if your kids are in a frat, they do this every weekend. any other inside secrets i can let you in on, just ask.

dont forget your towel this weekend. nfl/college summaries can be read on vicklantasy. corned beef sundays are back! kanye west new album is mids. cee-lo green the soul machine plays MJQ tonight. run vick run! later yalls.

Weed College

2005-09-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

guy1: What'd you do, go to weed college?
guy2: Why yes, yes as a matter of fact i did sir.... here is a brochure.

Kraplan Profile:
Location - Humboldt County, CA
Student Population - 4,200
Established - Summer 2004
School Mascot - Towlie
School Crest -

we love lions... love 'em. but we love weed even more.
Blurb about the school, the staff, and the intense learning going on here:
Our educators have been researching, cultivating, and growing marijuana for well over three generations in their families. It is with this esteemed background in all things herbal that the school was founded by the late great Jim P. Heady. Although our founding headmaster's life has expired, his dream of educating hippies in the fine art of the marijuana industry has lived on. Our students partake in one of the most fulfilling and world healing careers in the world: getting everyone really really fucked up on heady nugs. The areas of focus are so vast that we could only include a few programs here. You can major in: Dealing and Trades, Marketing, Growing, Fighting the Man, Dank Tunes, and Tye-Dying. Please browse below for a more detailed look into what goes on behind these 20-foot tall gates.

Coursework
Introductory Level Courses
Smoking 101 - This is a basic course that all students are required to take their first year. Now don't complain thinking this is a waste of time... its like orientation for all new students, where you will highlight some of the programs at the college and narrow your focus on what you would like to accomplish. Also, you get to sample many of the research results during class, making it well worth the course load.
GHPS - Green Hit Preservation Society is also an intro level course, due to the fact that many tokers dont observe the laws and customs of GHP. Weed college students will learn exactly why they should not torch the entire span of greens in a bowl. instead, try to light one corner and preserve the green for the rest of your powow.
Glassware & Hardware - A favorite amongst Weedies, this course talks about all the different methods of inhaling the THC you desire. From simple glass chillums to massive metal machines built from scratch, you will learn how to make all kinds of devices for chronning out.
Edibles - This course will help you learn how to bake baked goods that will not only render the mj completely undetectable, but will get you nice and toasty during any meal of the day! if you have small children, this course will definitely help you control those wild and crazy kids by mellowing them out with plenty of edible treats.
Strainology - There are hundreds of different strains of plants out in the world; indica, sativa, tall, short, dark, light, bubble kush, white widow, way too many to name here. this course is one of the most work intensive courses, but the payoff is amazing. stun your regular friends with your knowledge of botany from around the globe. travel to amsterdam and know your way around a shop. with this class you will be able to recognize any strain or mixed strain in the world.
Weights & Conversions - O's, zip's, qp's, half-o's... what does it all mean?!? with this course, you will finally be able to figure out what all the different weights are AND you will be able to eyeball bags of weed of any strain. metric system not included.

Advanced Level Courses
- Cold Water Bubble Hash Extraction
- Light Stress Training
- Genetics, Breeding, and Pollenation
- Proper Harvesting, Trimming, and Manicuring Techniques
- Advanced Nutrient Flushing Systems
- Grow Room Design and Layout
- Pipes on the Go
- Hydroponics, Aeroponics, Deep-Water Culture
- Nutrient Film Technique
- How to Roll a Blunt, Lid, J
- The Psychology of Exhaling: Types of Cheefers
- Knife Hits and other Unconventional Wisdom
- How to Start a Jam Band

Student Quotes
"Before I came to Weed College, I just sat around my moms basement all day trying to figure out ways to make money. With my 7-year, dual degree program, Weed has allowed me to make a real sharp business model for my enterprise"
-- Hippie from Boulder, CO

"My homegrow operation was a complete dud! Thanks to the excellent staff at Weed, my weed is so sticky icky icky i have to vaccum seal it just to carry it around town with me in my cargo pants"
-- Green Thumb from Vancouver

"Once i learned how to make pipes on the go, i started my own ecommerce website selling pipes of any kind-- corn on the cob, apples, oranges, cucumbers-- any kind of quick pipe! Now my honda civic is so fucking hella tight bra!"
-- Asian Sensation, Cali

Extracurricular Clubs
- Nationally ranked Ultimate Frisbee team
- 420 Daily Club
- Glassblowing
- Waterbong Sports
- Bong Yahtzee Club
- Green Thumb Grower's Club
- Gooball Eaters Anonymous
- Hippy Dance Marathon Fundraiser
- Conpiracy Theory Creators Club

If youre not convinced that this is the best way to invest hours of your free time, then please come by the campus for a tour and a visit. You wont be able to sample any of the new strains we are researching and cultivating, but you can be damn sure youll want to come back to school here. We hope you enjoyed reading about Weed College, registration is open for the Fall semester and we look forward to seeing all you potheads there on Orientation Day!

When the 'Katz' Away...

2005-09-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend was one long 72 hour binge fest of drugs and alcohol and testosterone. despite the fact that all my old college buddies are all up on my jock for me to blog about them, the best part about this being my blog is that i can do whatever the fuck i want with it. with that in mind, if one of the bitches who was taking digipics all weekend long wants to email them to me at work, i am sure i could craftily construct a blog regarding what happens when 20 20-somethings get together for a weekend of debauchery.

this week the roomie is travelling for work. he does it pretty frequently, mostly during weekdays and some weekends when he is feeling spicy. here is a cartoon illustrating what kind of activities go down the minute he locks the door and says goodbye.

about 7-10 kitties are killed on average when katz is away
(if you are a retard and dont know what this means, i suggest you go here or here)

Katrina Huffs Petrol

2005-09-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

Two things that are really just frustrating the shit out of me today... now I don’t want to be all unoriginal and talk about gasoline prices in Atlanta. Shit everyone is probably blogging about it from around here and I just cant fall into that follower mode. However, I will say that gas prices are extraordinarily high and it is definitely not due to any gas shortages going on in this region. The only reason the gas prices are so high is because of the media circus surrounding the hurricane disaster and traffic-thirsty ATLiens worried about their precious fossil fuels running out over labor day weekend. Now why in the world would an entire city suddenly get the same idea to rush out to the pumps and buy gasoline on the same day? Because people do not know how to keep their fucking mouths shut when they hear some gossipy rumor about a gas shortage. Do you know how many forwards I got with the same general message yesterday at work? I decided to do a print screen because my conspiracy theories are rarely true...

I am sure thousands of these went out across the wire when the AJC reported it. Over at Atlanta Metroblogging some idiot posted the same thing early in the morning. Almost everyone bought into this email forward for absolutely no reason. I heard on 96 rock this morning there were fucking fistfights at some gas stations. One story in the paper today says a guy pulled a gun after cutting someone off in line. You Georgians are fucking crazy crazy fucking idiots. How is it possible that you have nothing better to do than buy big SUVs for absolutely no snowfall or ice, complain when the price crept above 2 bucks, live 45 miles outside a metro area, and then throw fisticuffs when you are too dumb to realize that the emergency 6 hours away has little effect on your suburbian commuting gas guzzling PTA momma car?

In the words of the great napoleon dynamite, frickin idiots. On a side note, speaking of napoleon, his star is rising in tokeywood and the assistant producer I know is currently working on this bad boy. (follow the todd Phillips link in case you don’t know who that is)

The second thing that is frustrating me has to do with the hurricane damage left behind. Now despite my sarcastic tone and the fact that I say shit that no one wants to hear, like how Stephen hawking makes me sick to look at, or that lance armstrong’s trendy fashion bracelets should be smelted together and made into a huge mcdonalds playland, I would like to say that Katrina has really fucked up my no limit texas hold em strategy for October. As bad as it is in new Orleans, an hour east in Biloxi Mississippi, things are not looking peachy either. My favorite casino, the Grand in Biloxi, is completely obliterated. Basically only two casinos in all of Biloxi survived, and the Beau Rivage poker room is crap compared to the grand. Just to give you an idea of how much I love the grand, you can see I blogged about it here, here, and here.

These are the pictures (I ganked from cnn) regarding the status of the casinos in Biloxi.

a barge got tossed across an entire highway

this casino is definitely on tilt

the grand casino before

the grand casino after

the grand casino after we runs through it. thats skance on the left.
a small tear just rolled down my cheek, i think. Old Grand Casino, we shall miss you.... i hope the new Grand Casino 2008 is as awesome as you were. as long as they leave the hot dogs on rotation we should all be ok.

Fantasy vs. Reality

2005-08-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every man’s life where he must submit to the fantasy side of life. No, I am not talking about your dvd collex that you stash under your bed and dream of being one of the linebackers who gets to take on Jenna Jameson, Heather Brooke, and Jasmine St. Clair dressed as pillowfighting cheerleaders. Nor am I talking about calling those 900 numbers late night after 14 shots of patron and waffle house to try and hear a local girl tell you all about her sopping wet— well, lets just cut off the fantasy right there. I am of course talking about none other than the Fantasy Sports leagues tearing up business payroll hours at work as employees fret over whether to pick Peyton Manning or LT with their first pick. Whether to take a proven pro bowl athlete or sign a new rookie full of hype. Whether a strong Defense is better than a strong Kicker. Who will get more points this year, Larry Fitzgerald or Javon Walker. Millions of scenarios play out in the fantasy sports owner mind…. and of course, these fantasy dreams of glory interfere with reality.

Lets say youre a Falcons fan. You love the ixcitement of watching the ixperience run around outside the pocket and gun it down field to the receiver that should have been there but missed his read. But lets say your team is 5-10 this year and has no hope for winning a playoff berth. The Falcons play the Panthers on the last season game… lets say you have Stephen Davis and Carolina D on your fantasy squad and you have a chance to win the fantasy crown this year if Carolina breaks off ATL. This is a division rival, not to mention ATL stomps Carolina when vick is healthy…. So what do you hope for as a sports fan? ATL beats Carolina to close out strong or Carolina dominates your team and you win fantasy player of the year amongst your boys? If you answer Carolina you are not separating fantasy from reality.

Now lets say youre a compulsive gambler. You know that sports betting is completely ridiculous considering a random play could make or break a spread. Dante Hall randomly returns a meaningless punt for a TD and now KC has an edge on +4 to the Eagles. But what if youre an eagles fan with dante hall on your fantasy squad (youre an idiot)… do you cheer for the mad points youll get this week or do you piss and cry because you layed 220/200 on the eagles covering. I guess that one is easier since its 200 frickin dollars!! But you get my point… fantasy play comes into reality too often during the football season.

The best way to remedy this situation is of course to stick to one or the other. Fantasy or Reality. If youre a fantasy owner, you cannot bet on sports that year. And if you don’t enter a league, you better be picking spreads even if its 11/10 and you do 16 pickems a week. Of course I will not be following my own advice like the millions of people out there and will continue to unwisely invest time and dollars into the sports gambling arena. My buddy joe jueng in korea has already started the smack talk and the draft order hasn’t even been randomized yet. Don’t you worry buddy, you can read about all of my SportsTalk throughout the College + NFL football season right here: http://vicklantasy.blogspot.com

until then, my faithful readers, you will just have to peruse on this fantasy eye candy for the day:

my live draft is scheduled for tonight at 8:30 pm. my league stats will be linked through vicklantasy and of course weekly commentary on betting, fantasy, players, losers, coaches, media, and any other dramatic happenings in the professional and college sports arenas. this weekend is the first college pigskin game and of course the Louisville Cards will be beating their in-state rival at their own home... a fine start to an undefeated season.

Vicklanta.com

2005-08-23T10:36:00.000-05:00

After weeks of pressure by third party vendors, friends whose brains cannot retain one extra word in a standard URL, and a nominal cost of 20 bucks, i have carved out a little niche in the world wide web.

I can now be reached, more simply, at http://www.vicklanta.com

Play the fucking contest below!

Picture Pages

2005-08-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

This weekend was mostly fun. TimmyJimmy is now 24 and still plays video games and tokes weed. so irresponsible. anyway here are some pictures from the weekend with a little puzzle game at the end!

so here is my entourage. finally an actual picture of dwellis instead of the picture of kevin pollock as a substitute. jonny has his eyes closed. and of course the birthday boy is that dude in white who you dont know. but he got real fucked up. dwellis met up after with this j that he's hooking with- and decided to pull the trigger and cuddle with the rim latenight, instead of getting in bed and performing like a drunken baffoon.

they arent my 1st round picks, but theyll do for now. jon, dwell, tj

so we had two stops (three really), east andrews, the red door, and then back to andrews upstairs for some dancing. the first shot of the night was a ginormous shot of tequila for the 4 of us. got me warm and toasty right away. for the people who have never been to east andrews on a friday night, it is packed just like any other buckhead fuckhead bar.... which is why it is even more ridiculous to see bitches walking around carrying these:

despite the 'stunner' factor, martini glasses peeve me off
anywho, just as a point of reference, the reason i was able to take such a money photo was because katz's quick wit and sharp thinking anticipated that i wanted a shot of those bitches and he grabbed timmy and stood as if we were taking a real picture.... i cant decide which half of the original photo is funnier:

(**of course, katz made me take down the picture**)
katz shows us how florida residents roll to clubs: sleazily
ahh, he's gonna get pissed at me for posting that one. sucks. ok last but not least, remember when we were little kids and the Where's Waldo books were released? it was like a new sick fad in childrens education and entertainment. in honor of waldo, i have taken a picture of the wreckless state of my night stand after everything gets taken out of my pockets the night before. a sharp observer can probably identify 21 unique items... lets see if some of the readers are so bored this morning that they post a comment trying to get them all... be as specific as you can. good luck!

Left Front Tire

2005-08-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

When i think about the comical shit that happens in my everyday life, i dont know whether to puke in agony or sit back and laugh it off as if its another surreal experience in a long line of dumb shit. my tires were bald as shit. i knew it. i mean i drive like 45 around the 25 curves, stop and swerve when idiots turn left with no blinker, etc.hell i just drove over 1000 miles to kentucky and back on them knowing they were toast. so yesterday after a long boring day here, i wanted nothing more than to go home, pack a fattie, and watch the braves game. i get out to my car and of course the tire is totally flat hugging the pavement. time: 4:45 pm

i go into my trunk and although i have the tire iron, the lugnuts, and the spurr, i dont have a carjack. so i ask this security dude to borrow his... its a truck jack and after twisting it to as low as it could go, we realized it wasnt fitting under my car. so then i had to ask the shitty cops here for a regular jack with their sedans. so after 10 minutes of coptalk (the thing cops do where they sit in a car facing both ways just kissing and petting a little) this dude comes up and hands me his easy to use jack... and he stood over my white collar shoulders as i changed it all by myself! not bad for a little jewish kid.

anyway then before the cop got hungry i bolted the donut to the thing and i was outta there. time: 6:15 pm. so i drove 40 mph to firestone on north druid hills. why there i will never know... i just figured it was the closest to work. in retrospect there are mad tire places off scott blvd i should have gone to. firestone gives me an estimate and takes my car overnight. now, i have to find a ride home. i scroll through the holodex three times and can only come up with like 5 names. one is my roomie in vegas. one is dwellis, who was getting in at 5:15. one is timmyjimmy, whose birthday is tonight, and who was randomly in cali for business. nascar john was packing up all his shit. everyone else probably wouldnt have been able to do it.

so what does my warped mind do? saddle up my britches and start hoofing it. so in case everyone doesnt know reference points, i will get a map. firestone on north druid hills to poncey highlands area.

i decided the best route would be to cut through the neighborhoods off lavista, so this map isnt 100% accurate, but just to get from firestone to the intersection of virginia and highland ave. was 4.3 miles. in work clothes. if no one picked me up it would have been door to door 5 miles exactly. anyway my buddy dwellis whose flight was delayed finally met up with me after waiting in baggage, getting his car, and then driving to freedom pkwy exit and meeting me around east rock springs. time: 7:45.

3 HOURS OF MY LIFE WAS WASTED BECAUSE OF ONE FLAT TIRE.

needless to say you know the story has a happy ending. hot shower, huge overflowing bowl, pass out at 2 am, alarm set for 10am. tonight i will be getting blackout drunk, i already know it. its timmyjimmys bday. Falcons are on tonight preseason 7:30. mike vick gonna rock the dome for 8 plays, 2 drives, or 1 quarter, whichever comes first. braves also have a home game tonight. should be a great weekend and i wont even use my brand new performance tires. in honor of TJ's bday (that rhymes), here is a nice cartoon:

Left Green Arrows...

2005-08-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

I guess I have more to add to the green arrow discussion below. FatAsianJewishBaby commented on the concept of '2 car lights', basically when a green arrow in atlanta allows 2 and only 2 cars to proceed safely through the intersection. this does not mean that there arent 2-3 drivers behind the safe 2 that decide their balls are strapped in and they can gun it for dear life.

i have kinda had a longstanding conspiracy theory regarding this phenomenon. here it is.... have you ever noticed that when an intersection is extremely busy, the left arrow is absurdly short for the line of cars. and other times, late at night, the green arrow is completely unnecessary and you dig your fingernails through the steering wheel in frustration? also, how about if you usually always land on a short green left arrow and the one time you are going straight, the left arrow is abnormally long? same intersection, same traffic, totally irregular left arrow light.

before wikipediaing this concept, i thought that some intersections probably just had timers and other busy ones had all sorts of sensors. also based on my SimTower ixxperience, elevators in buildings have rush hour express service as well as normal day-to-day service... i figured street lights would also be adjusted based on rush hour traffic times. i, of course, was 100% correct.

"It is also commonplace to alter the control strategy of a traffic light based on the time of day and day of the week, or on other special circumstances (such as a major event causing extra traffic through an intersection)."
-from wikipedia

ok so here is where the conspiracy theory in me comes in. i think that the reason lights randomly have long and slow cycles at completely innappropriate times is because the nerdy programmers who were writing the code for the timing devices didnt maintain the AM/PM bit in their calculations. as a result, i think that when lights reset, like if the power goes off, they reset to the wrong time of day and have really fast green arrows at 9 AM and really slow arrows at 9 PM. if the programmers had built some kind of device to synch up the circuit time with the actual time, none of these random superfast green arrows would ever happen. it all comes down to these trekkies cutting cpu costs by leaving out one bit, ala the Y2K scare... only this time, the timers on the lights are affected every storm that this wonderful city has to offer.

since most blog traffic is full of dorky people, i'm sure someone else has a different or better theory regarding this concept?

for the record, i also think that sometimes the reason has nothing to do with the timers or the sensors fucking up. sometimes its people who dont have fulton or dekalb on their licenses going 5 mph through a green left arrow because they are just the worst fucking drivers in general and this slow paced not thinking about anyone behind you just the people in front of you mentality is fucking up the rest of the normal drivers' universes. i mean come on, weve all been waiting at the light forever.... including the guy 6 cars back. ATLIENS.... GUN IT THROUGH THE INTERSECTION! STOP DRIVING 80 ON THE HIGHWAY AND 20 ON THE SIDE STREETS.

whew, i worked up half a pack of rolaids with that rant. comments and complaints are always accepted.

Flickr... I Barely KNOW Her!

2005-08-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

Two blogs today (so far). In honor of my new digi-elf:

i saw this funny sign that some dude decided to nail to an electrical pole at the corner of Ponce and Briarcliff Road. (here is a map for the slow people)

and while we're at it, may as well post some more gooduns.

the roomie waves to his fans when asked which finger he bangs little boys with

my dad, despiting having no cannons, certainly does have some power under the hood

now he is in complete baller mode. one day i aspire to be this much of a baller... or at least get the z4 if he were to pass. cell phone not included.

Electronics Upgrade

2005-08-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sooooorrry i havent written anything in a week. But on the 6-hour solo ride to kentuck this weekend i managed to jot down a ton of things in my blackberry to write about... mostly dank inspired items. being the dumbass i am, i never sent the email to myself so it is stuck there until i go home for some scrunch and munch.

in the meantime, shoobie has recently experienced a mass electronics upgrade. besides the crackberry which was given to me under the guise of a 'wireless work leash', i recently purchased a canon elf digi-cam to replace my clunky 2 pound digi-cam from 2002. this new cam will help me capture memories better than ever before, seeing as how i could never carry the old one around with me. the little mini elf fits sweetly into any pocket and has 4 mp and plenty of memory to get photo and video w/audio recordings of all the random funny shit i see daily. i might start a new photog, and if so, i will link it up here. i cant decide whether to remain with blogger or sell out and join a flickr thing.

for my birthday from me ma, i received a new 20G ipod. i always say i sell out my moral takes on things in a heartbeat, i just dont think anyone believes me. remember when i wrote about throwing away cd's and selling out to ipod here and here? well i now understand why emily doesnt need cd's ever again... it just took me figuring out what itunes can do to realize that my cd's will have a permanent spot in my house for the stereo in my room... definitely not throwing out the brand new collex though. now i have to shop for ipod accessories and of course figure out if there is an easy way to subscribe to some funny podcasts without too much effort. input from the peanut gallery would be much appreciated, as i am an ipod amateur noobie who wants to fit in with everyone else.

i guess its not really an electronics upgrade, but while i was home i received a Louisville Cardinals jersey for my star running back who will definitely be drafted next year, lucky #19 Michael Bush. no not reggie bush, this is a whole different bush. a better bush. certainly not busch league. (now i have an outfit for saturday AND sunday, sporting the cardinal red saturday and the falcons d. hall red and black sunday + 2 MNF)

now if i could somehow get an Adam LaRoche #19 jersey i will never have to shop at the gap again.

that is all for now, more to come soon.

Guest Blog Vol. 1: The [Absurd] War on Drugs

2005-08-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

(2 blogs today)
This blog was written by a buddy. His penname is Herbal Remedy. Here is his sarcastic rant.

We have recently become victim to the cacophony of media noise surrounding the war on drugs, particularly America’s problem with meth. I have some opinions on this topic. We’ve all had this discussion with regard to marijuana – how it’s less of a liability to society than alcohol. This statement is undeniably true in many respects. The worst thing that came out of America’s marijuana problem is obesity and jam bands. (and the snack food companies love it) Fatties love puffing fatties. But back to the topic of meth – is it really the devil it’s made out to be? …and I will be playing devil’s advocate in my following thoughts.

Politicians will argue that drugs are bad not because they are unhealthy for the body, but because they take away peoples’ judgment, morals, and duties. But these officials who are leading the fight against drugs are essentially forgetting about their duties. So meth is the new crack, which was once the new heroine. (that title now given to pain killers) Apparently this new “crack” is seductively turning fine upstanding Americans into worthless human beings, an airborne virus striking fear into the uninformed.

I’m not arguing that meth isn’t bad – it is indeed a problem for many people in many locales. However, meth use among high school students has remained relatively stable and is starting to decline. As far as meth’s addiction potential, only 5% of
people who try meth become addicted. (Definition of addiction is use 1 time per month – which is an absurd qualification in itself) That addiction rate is higher than heroine (3%), but it’s lower than marijuana (15%), crack (8%), painkillers (10%), or cigarettes (37%). Now let’s talk about alcohol. Among those who have tried alcohol, 60% have had a drink in the last month and 27% have binge drank in the last month. (5 drinks on one occasion defines binge drinking which in relative terms makes me a dysfunctional alcoholic!)

Methamphetamines are nothing new. They were easily available in pill form and sold over the counter until the 50’s. At that point there were still prescribed by doctors for those who wanted to lose weight or stay awake. It was in the 1970’s that home labs started to spring up when authorities cracked down. This very same pattern occurred during Prohibition. Underground distilleries would emerge and people were dying from alcohol poisoning. Prohibition basically caused many people to switch from beer and wine to extremely hard liquor. Yeah, that’s an embarrassing page in America’s history book.

These days, we not only tolerate but embrace alcohol despite the fact that it causes more harm than illegal drugs. Also, because we realize a ban on alcohol is futile –
it would create more problems and societal uprising, taking away what we value so much – booze.

In many ways shutting down meth labs across the country just creates more collateral damage and doesn’t solve the problem because most of it is imported. We are reportedly prosecuting poor convenience store clerks for unknowingly selling cold medication (ingredient in meth) and other legal ingredient products to junkies who are concocting meth in their homes.

Is meth so bad anyway? [said sarcastically] The military is given them for god’s sake. My own stepfather used to be a surgeon in the military many years ago and made “hangover” kits for his fellow soldiers that consisted of methamphetamine pills, coffee, and Tylenol. He said his kits were very popular. Truck drivers are known to take them to stay awake on long trips. I’d sure as hell rather be driving next to a truck driver on meth than a truck driver asleep.

Madden 2006 Brown Bag Lunch

2005-08-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

Welcome back readers to another fine installment of things swirling around in my brain. today marks one of the most exciting days in sports. we celebrate today annually and thoroughly, by mastering our hot route technique, linebacker shift, d-line audible to pass block, motion the tight end, hut hut hike!

Brown Bag Lunch is this term they use here at work. here is the translation: "dont go to chilis, instead bring your lunch and sit in on another enjoyable installment of exciting infectious diseases spreading all over the world!"

instead, my Madden 2006 Brown Bag Lunch consisted of me picking up food, going to jewish haven (read: post briarcliff), taking 2 supplements of vitamin M, and tutorializing myself with the new features of Madden 2006. Gamers, grab a seat. Ladies, grab onto your nipples. random blogosphere traffic... thanks for reading this far. lets discuss the 30 minute preview i got of this game before going back to the cube life and endlessly meeting in conference room A to go over powerpoint presentations. (on a side note, my buddy bought 2 copies so i could go directly home and plug in... no best buy black hole today)

First off, let me start by telling you what happened in Game 1 ever. Dwellis vs. Shoobie.
Falcons vs. Panthers (dwellis is a Pack fan all the way, but chose to stay divisional to make it naughty) Falcons are underrated as usual, boasting a 92 offense and 82 defense 86 overall. philly eagles and new england pats are the stacked powerhouses of the NFC/AFC, with Indy trailing in a close 3rd. Pittsburgh also remains naughty.

Dwellis kicked off to me. after running warrick for an 8 yard gain, it was all downhill. INT #1 came on the first drive. Carolina drove all over my ass. dwellis did not call one run play but managed to span the entire length of the field. however, his red zone offense collapsed and he was forced to kick a field goal. holler. Rossum on the return gets to the 30. shoobie throws 2 consecutive passes to (surprise!) peerless price who can actually catch a ball in the video game. down to the ATL 40 i throw INT #2. carolina throws INT #3 right after that, to none other than my cover corner Deangelo Hall #21. after that it was all over. vick to crumpler. 1st down. vick to dez white. first down. vick to peerless. first down. vick to crumpler. touchdown.

and then, my lunch break was up. i duffed the xtra point making it a 6-3 victory in 1 quarter of play. just playing the game made me excited enough to not only write this blog but to also nut over the fact that NFL football is so close to being back you can smell it.

the game has crazy new features and a completely different button layout than 2005.
- QB Viewing. your accuracy goes up if you are actually looking at a receiver before you throw it. you can also pass leading left, leading right, underneath, or high by using the right stick. that means if you burn a corner with peerless you can lob it to his far side so he catches and continues running.
- Train Hit. Lets say your name is jerome bus. lets say you get a pitch and youve got 3 blockers in front of you. 2 guys are stuffed but one is still coming from your right side. now the bus can lay a shoulder into any defensive back and lay him out and continue on up the field. hit stick on OFFENSE. clutch!
- switch main receiver. with the new qb viewing, you can also select which receiver you want on the main route (in orange) vs. the other routes (in white).
- Defensive confusion on cover. You can now play man to man, or disguised man to man. If you want the defense to stay with their assignments, you call man. but you can also call zone and play man, meaning the defense will pick up their man and keep in the zone without the other guy knowing.

things to remember:
- turbo is always A now. offense and defense.
- hit stick on defense is tougher, since the back can now plow over you on their way to the endzone. this also allows for bigger collisions.
- the running and throwing is more realistic. it seems that with each year, there is more accuracy than the one before. passing is something you have to master now.
- when youre setting up hot routes, new looks, and new receivers, if you change too much, you will definitely delay the game. try to figure out the new buttons asap.
- memorize the playbook. this is so tough, each year a new set of plays that you have to learn and practice all over again.

anyone who reads this and wants to challenge me on xbox live already knows my name. its on the right side up thea and it says check out my Halo 2 stats for the public. ----->

Kamikaze Shooters + the Blues

2005-08-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

Today will be a twofer blog, in that you will receive 2 for 1 knowledge on cool shit.

First off, have any of the atl residents noticed a certain smell in the air? it has been drifting down upon the city from about 50 miles up north. hopefully it will linger well into february. 'whats the smell?' you ask.... it is the sweat, blood, and tears of 100 big motherfuckers working their asses off up at Flowery Branch preparing for a Super Bowl season. Thats right, ladies and gentlemen, we will FINALLY be watching the star-studded Atlanta Falcons live and in action very soon. how soon? well if you think that preseason games count for anything whatsoever, then this coming weekend is definitely going to be exciting. Your Atlanta Falcons have been chosen to play against the Indy Colts in a pre-pre-season game in Tokyo, Japan.

in case you cant read that japanese, it says: The World Bowl at the Tokyo Dome! Starts at 6:00 pm. come watch the most exciting two quarterbacks in the league duke it out for one quarter of play. then watch 2nd string white people provide a show for the rest of the time.

heres the catch: you have to pull an all-nighter on friday night this weekend to catch the game broadcast live at 5:00 am EST on saturday morning. i guess ill be skipping cartoons and cocoa puffs this weekend.

Things to look forward to this NFL season:
- Dunn, Duckett, and Vick combined for one of the deadliest rushing attacks in the game last year
- Roddy White is a fast little fucker who will likely win a position over Dez White. He will provide enough speed on the field to hopefully take some cover off peerless.
- Vick knows he can't run forever; he has been concentrating on the passing game this training camp.
- Deangelo Hall #21 will be vying for a pro bowl season in his 2nd (really 1 1/2) years in the league. last year as a rookie he missed the first 7 games...this year no one can hold him down.
- our rookie drafted receiver Jenkins has a year under his belt with vick... this means more comfortability in running routes and getting to where vick wants him to be.
- We have 3 MNF games and 3 Sunday night games, national audience will get to see us shine.
- our home schedule is awesome: eagles, vikings, patriots, jets, green bay, + 3 division games.
- our defense improved tenfold last year, and we can only keep moving up... we signed some veteran players this offseason and they are reportedly performing sick-aly.
- alge crumpler is a top-rated tight end and caught more balls than any receiver last year.

in other football news, Madden '06 is being released on August 10th, same day that comcast comes to hook up our skrinternet. xbox live challenge is inevitable.
=====================================
Second, tonight i will actually be coughing up money to pay for a cover in the virginia highlands. i am usually diametrically opposed to paying cover in an area of town that should not be charging, but i have also never been to 10 high even though i have passed it 1000 times and thought about entering at least 10 times. to his credit, jonnatronic found this blues band first. he then roped me in to what is an amazing show. Sean Costello will be performing tonight at 10 High on highland avenue. its a wednesday so i know no one has shit to do. if you feel like boozing and dancing and watching some black dudes lay out the phat notes on the saxophone while sean sings the blues, i promise you wont be dissapointed. it will be either 5 or 7 bucks, judging from past acts on their website.

Ben Harper is the Dank

2005-08-02T16:05:00.000-05:00

Had to write 2 bloggies today.

Last night, 8/1/2005, I went to see Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals at the Tabernacle. The show was one of the sickest concerts i have ever been to. for those of you who dont know bennie boy, he is a half black half white dude who plays electric guitar, slide guitar, bass, and of course lead vocals. his musical range is expansive, fusing blues and rock together, with a touch of soul/gospel, to create some of the sickest songs. his voice can go high and low. his songs can be fast and pump-up or slow and panty-droppers. the innocent criminals play with him a lot, and the bongos, drums, piano, bass, guitar, and whatever other crazy instruments they have all work very well on every fucking song. the opener even came out and played cello for one song.

the crowd in a-town was amazing. after the first song there was literally a 5-minute standing ovation for ben. you could tell he was mesmerized at how fucking loud we gets down. so i guess he decided to rock the fucking house (2nd to last stop on this tour) and did two complete sets, almost 30 songs in one night for $40. he covered new, old, slow, upbeat. the only song that i love that he didnt play was 'ground on down'... i think that would have been a good closer after the 'Aint Too Proud To Beg' cover. instead he closed with his own song joined with a bob marley cover inside that song. 'a big soul burrito,' is what one guy called it.

besides the fact that the crowd was amazing, the joints were amazing, the security was running no interference, and that it ended at 12:30 am..... the best part was during one song, ben decided he wanted to give love to the 2nd floor balcony. he climbed up the speakers and then pulled himself over the balcony and stood with one foot in and one outside the rail. then he did a complete lap around the entire balcony railing of the tabernacle giving hi-5's and whattups to all the fans on the 2nd floor. then he spidey'd his way back down to the stage to finish up. the performance was awesome and i am glad i toughed it out on a monday night.

For those of you who do know Ben Harper, check out this all-star lineup:
set [1]:
• 11th Commandment
• Well Well Well
• Take My Hand
• Brown Eyed Blues
• Everything
• Temporary Remedy
• Jah Work
• How Many Miles Must We March?
• In The Lord's Arms
• Amen Omen
• Diamonds On The Inside
• Burn One Down
• Get It Like You Like It
• Steal My Kisses/Pressure Drop
enc [1]:
• Waiting On An Angel
• Widow Of A Living Man
• I Shall Not Walk Alone
• Walk Away
• There Will Be A Light
• Beloved One <--any girl who wants this as her first dance song at the wedding is cool with me
enc [2]:
• Glory & Consequence
• Forgiven
• Please Me Like You Want To
• Where Could I Go
• She's Only Happy In The Sun <--shoobie fave
• The Woman In You
• Ain't Too Proud To Beg
• With My Own Two Hands/War

Thank you Ben Harper! and thank you Dwellis, lord of the trichomes.
Read More Reviews here.

**new: added 8/3 due to jonatronics verizon photo capturing**

ben harper walks all the way around the 2nd floor balcony

Moving Day: Part II

2005-08-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

Thats right folks, i have relocated the pillow top to a new locale in atlanta. it will now be having its presence felt in the poncey highlands area. jonatronic bought a new townhome and enslaved me as his little renter lackee while he catches zzz's in the 'master' and showers for 25 minutes too long in the morning. running water can be heard in my room fucker.

the new locale offers many new plusses and minuses to life. here is a rundown of those things.
Plus
- NeighBORES is now one block away instead of five
- Manuels Tavern is one block away
- Righteous Room is one block away
- I finally retain rights to my own bathroom. thank jesus.
- Publix and my ix are 100 feet from each other
- L5P is walkable under the right circumstances (variety, vortex, UFO)
- balconies allow for discreet smoking areas
- driveway that has at least 5 feet of extra buffer space between cars and walls
- kegger is imminent

Minus
- Moes and Joes/Fontaines is now too fucking far
- I cant use my little skance routes to work in the morning. I have to take at least briarcliff or north decatur roads no matter how much i loathe them.
- QT is way outside the loop of general travel
- Any landlord i have ever had was, and still is, a complete douche.

we decided to hire the same moving company this year, since last year was a piece of cake and the three dudes were blogworthy. if you want the name of the company, maybe jonny will post it here when he finally gets internet back. here is the old link to last years moving day. the re-read was just as good as the day those guys came.

one of the three guys was the same person as last year. he still had on the same GA Tech hat and the same cracky voice. we also got 2 new black dudes (total of 3), and i swear every mover looks like a famous person. one looked like DMX and the other looked like _____ ( i will fill in later). DMX was fucking out of control, demanding some candy or something sweet, anything. all i had was mint chocolate chip meringue cookies; he wasnt a big fan. DMX also sang all kinda of songs around the house, none of which were interpreted or recognized by me or white jon. he asked me if i burned dvds; yes; do you have hustle and flow? haha, nice dude. he asked if i listen to fitty cent, i told him he was aiight.. i am bumpin the game now. he said that shit is tight. the three guys all called each other fucking funny names: shoady, player, lil man, slim, grampa, just whatever the fuck came out of their mouth was hilarious because either A) i couldnt understand a lick of it, or B) i am white and its easier to just chuckle along than not react at all.

then of course came the inevitable question. my #2 question to all new people i meet. the way to find out if you are on a similar mental state as the other people in the group. after reading last year's guy ask, "Do you guys party?" it was nice that DMX was more subtle. he did it more like the guys in jamaica: Ask mundane question that you dont care about the answer to. Pop in question #2 closely following the answer from 1.
(Example: )
mundane- Hey man, where you from in the US?
answer1- kentucky buddy
question2- thats cool. wanna buy some smoke?

this mover goes: you two brothers or somethin? nope, just college buddies. thats cool, do you [makes international joint smoking sign with fingers to lips]? ya its at the new place.

last little anecdote. since i am in fact a dumbass, i pulled one of the fucking dumbest moves of my life during this move. so i was gathering up my shit at the old place and had a bunch of trash bags strewn about the room. as it was getting more organized, it got divided into actual trash and bags of clothes to donate. there was also a bag of my nice shirts that needed to be dry cleaned. you can see where this is going... went down to the goodwill in the kroger lot off ponce and of course no one was there on a sunday at 5 pm. so i just left the 4 trash bags at the steps and peaced out. about 20 minutes later i was taking the last stuff out of my car when i realized my fatal mistake... i gunned it back to the goodwill to find all 4 trashbags rummaged through and exploited for all their worth. in one of the bags: 8 button down nice ass shirts. and a tie.

am i allowed to pull a larry david and interrogate the next bum i see walking around ponce with an emory frat boy t-shirt? "sir, i-- i noticed you are wearing what appears to be a chi phi shirt. i'm pretty sure you got it at the goodwill on ponce. i happened to have left a few button down shirts there by mistake and was wondering if i could perhaps get those back. i need them for a september bar mitzvah and i dont want to let my mom down."

i'm sure he would happily relinquish the shirts to their rightful owner. am i allowed to be pissed that i donated to charity? under normal circumstances i would say 'well they need it more than i do'. in this case, however, i say fuck that shit... since when does a homeless dude need to look good for anyone?

so in summary: new place is cool and more centrally located, i am a blinking idiot, and fuck the homeless people. thank you and have a wonderful boozeday

The Devils Playground

2005-07-29T10:15:00.000-05:00

before i get into the schtick, black chick in the stairway at work told me she likes my hair. its hot. yesss, further proving the point that black women love me. when i go out on the weekends, it is inevitable that a girl will want to touch my hair. why is that? why do they feel like they can put their hands on me just because they want the ix? should i feel honored that you want to touch my hair? do i let it go on without saying any of this inner monologue? of course.

Amish People. residents of the ohio-pennsylvania rolling rock region. love those buggies and hats. amish people have been in the news more recently, and with my intense passion for finding out about the truth of all religions, i dug my claws deep into the gritty life of amish teenagers. i did not know this until recently, and maybe most of the world knows and i am the fucking assclown, but check this out.

amish people have this rite of passage in their culture called 'rumspringa', translated from hitler language it means running around. basically when you turn 16 or so, your parents turn a blind eye to any activity you choose to do, sinful or not. then it is your choice whether you want to return to the religion and obey its strict laws for the rest of your life.

so let me get this straight. little velda grows up like any amish girl, dreaming of milking cows and shucking corn for all eternity. she eats with the family, she goes to church a lot, she hangs out in the schoolyard playing with sticks and leaves for fun, she patches her own clothes, and then.... one day when she is all growns up with her bubs bursting out of that frock thing, her parents release her into modern day 2K5 america. holy shit, that is fucking insane.

think of how unprepared she would be showing up at a frat party. or a mall. or any public place where you would be looked at and you would know that these people are outsiders to you and you are an outsider to them. suddenly you can smoke cigarettes, drink beer, go to discotequas, fuck as many dudes as you want, blow coke off a passed out dudes asscrack at a trucker stop, essentially anything your little unshaped mind can sling at itself.

think of the psychological implications of this practice. all you know is your core family and the villagers that you see every day at church. you are completely engulfed in farm life and have no concept of modern technology. then you are given the option to go play in a completely different universe where sin is slung around like a cheap crack whore named gloria. sounds great right? sounds like you would enjoy life more if you started from scratch and had unlimited freedom. here's the catch. if you decide to stay out in the real world, anyone you knew from the amish village will never speak to you again. never ever. your parents shun you for life. your sister and bro forget your name for eternity. they stamp out your name in the log book and you are banned from ever returning 'home' again.

or, if you do return home, you have to completely wash away all that fun you were having as a distant memory. a stage in your life that you chose to give up to come back to the church forever. binding. you can never go back to the real world again. you marry and have 4 kids who you put through the same process you just went through.

i like the idea that the kids get to choose the path, i just feel like the method is completely wrong. no teen from fucking amish pennsylvania is going to survive out in the real world. asking your kid to choose between family and freedom is insane. amish kids are ill-equipped with the means to make a decision that is in their best interest.

every article i just scanned over about this concept closes with something like: "amazingly, 85-95% of the kids return back home and go with the church". no shit sherlock. 19 out of 20 amish kids decide well ya, hoes and drugs and alcohol are awesome, but i cannot live a lifetime without mommas meatloaf and stuffed cabbage. i guess i'm gonna go with that option.

hope everyone has a great weekend. i am hung.
over at work today. i am moving into a new place with jonny electronics this weekend. should be d.lightful

Fuck Lance Armstrong + other stuff

2005-07-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

Hey, i know none of you other chumps are going to say it... i'm just trying to be correct. everyone sucks this guys dick. now i know the guy has gone through a lot of toil and trouble... half the free world knows about lance armstrong and how he loves a good hard struggle story. cancer schmancer. here's what i have to say to mr armstrong: thank you, kind sir, for bringing cheap trendy plastic fashion back from the grave. it wasnt enough that we had those slap bracelets, now everyone in the game has a different color band for a different color outfit. hopefully now that this dude has won 7 in a row he will kindly bow out and take his fruity rainbow bracelets with him.

copycats are selling their souls to the devil on this idea
Becoming 25 has had a weird effect on me. on one hand, life goes on and my daily mundane routine loops on repeater. on the other, it encourages me to totally change shit up and do something different. i have recently come into a little bit of opportunity to do whatever the fuck i want, i just need a good solid game plan. also, turning 25 makes me ask this hypothetical question: Which quarter century is better, your first or your second? Looking back, i have accomplished so many of those necessary 'life goals'. Stopped pooping in my pants (except on spicy mexican sundays), became a man, graduated the standard high school and college in the correct amount of time, fucked the shit out of some people, developed my personality and funny wit, fell in love, blacked out from jagermeister, etc etc. but think of all there is to look forward to. alleged marriage and kids, my first convertible, finally growing chest and/or facial hair, 401K, etc etc. I guess its just a weird time for introspective soul searching. i hope i am hacking it as well as i know how.

here is some other shit that has been brewing for awhile...

i hope everyone enjoys the new splashy banner on the top of the blog. football time is just around the bend and the Falcons are starting training camp as we speak. like i have explained in the past, sometimes when guys get together and just sit around, hypothetical shit enters the convo and things get outta control. for example my buddy dwellis, if he could suck any nba players penis, it would be dwayne wade. now this kid is all about vajine. doesnt even like to cross swords. but hypothetically, if he had to take a shot in the mouth, dwayne wade would be his guy. people say mine is mike vick, but secretly its more likely to be Ben Roethlisberger. i am just a sucker for #7s.

next up, some new things on the right sidebar ---->
I have started to really get my blogroll on and new linkies are popping up each day. if i link you, kindly link me. and of course if you wanna be linked, holler at me.
1. the newest one is by a dude named Erik who is somehow a Mets fan and a Falcons fan. (hates the braves, hates the giants? impossible!) his shit is good and one of the best purely falcons blogs i have come across. he is listed under Falcons Daily DVDA.
2. this was a cool idea and i had to jump on the bandwagon. i guess it eliminates the need for a blogroll, but these dudes put together a giant feed site so that any ATL blogger's shit can all be read in one easy place. sweet idea, and since they shamelessly plug the shit out of themselves i figured i may as well give em a reach around too. listed under ATL Bloggers Feed Store.
3. i am not-so-secretly in love with corens sister.
4. if you like naughty girls, this little spicy ATL lady is a good read (not at work, my filter doesnt allow soft porn blogging)
5. and of course, one of the inspirations besides mander for even writing a blog in the first place. props goes out to saff for introducing me to ruminations way back when.

last but not least, after complaining about HiFi Buys never booking any gigs, i was instructed by my white friends who are black at heart about a little suare we might be attending. Eminem and guests are coming to A-town on Sunday for the Anger Management 3 Tour. i have buddies who went to the Up In Smoke tour and had a blast. i would say i listen to rap about 40% of my time, and i have never seen a live rap show besides Gift of Gab for 1 hour. and DJ Kool when he came to our frat. and busta. and DJ Biz Markie. still, i have never gone to a hip hop all day event. i hope i will be in attendance.

and last but not least, speaking of black people, this weekend i decided to use my saturday night pass out at the movies. Charlie? nope. Fantastic 4? maybe soon. Scarlett Johansen? mmmm, scarlet.

nope, i attended the weekend premier of Hustle and Flow. you know, the one where the guy hears a beat in his head. despite what jkatz says, this movie is getting rave reviews. when i left the theater i thought 2 1/2 stars, but after reading reviews i bumped it up to a 3. me and my 3 white buddies were the only white people in the whole theater. i am not exaggerating. 4 of 400. i personally thought the movie was good... the actor really took on the task of creating a character that society is supposed to hate, and made him real and likeable. ATL's own ludacris was funny. the whores he hangs out with are pretty hot if you dont imagine them popping a shot for $35 + tip. all in all i would say more white people should see it, and i will never understand why there werent more there.

wow that was a lot. thanks for checking in and i hope to be more consistent as the days go on.

Quarter Life Crisis

2005-07-19T11:01:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to boozeday tuesday.
Now i know that all you poker enthusiasts want to stay home tonight and curl up to your ESPNHD World Series of Poker 2005 premier coverage. thats what comcast dvr is for.

tonight's festivities will begin (at least for me) at around 8pm, where i will smoke myself retarded. dwellis gets out around 8. timmy jimmy will be prime and ready by then. jonny mcfuckstick gets back from the Borgata around 10, just in time to meet up for moes and hoes $3.25 throw as many beers into your system as possible. there might be a quick stopover at fontaines for some actual liquor, but by 11:30 star bar will be in full effect. if youve never heard the amazing spins of DJ Romeo on a tuesday night at star bar, you havent lived. i would like to parlay all this drinking and dancing into a waho stop, but i know most of my pussy friends have work tomorrow and wont be able to haul it deep into the AM. hopefully some girls will just kidnap me and take me back to their spot for hot tub action, but this is atlanta and even though we have a high percent of single people in the metro part, no one ever meets new people like that. in light of this fact, just in case, i abused imesh last night downloading over 2 GB of that sweet sweet milfhunter.com.

maybe more to come later. if you actually know me in real life, you are more than welcome to attend. i hate evites and would never send one out for something as casual as boozeday tuesday.

Underground Atlanta: Free Weezer Show

2005-07-18T15:20:00.000-05:00

The following will be a scathing review.

i have lived in ATL for seven years of summer concert series. in the early years, there was no organized “Free Friday Night” concert thing…. but, everyone and their mom toured through a-town. Tom Petty. John Mayer. Black Crowes. Pearl Jam. Beastie Boys. these groups made those summers where i was scrounging for work and money worth it.... i just diverted marijuana funds to concert funds and it all worked out well.

i also remember when 99x was hosting a free summer concert series called 99x: On The Bricks. centennial park was the venue and there was ample room for all enthusiasts to sit on the lawn, rush the stage, or even play with their kids in the fountain while hearing blues traveler belt out those sick harmonica notes. it lasted 2 months, 8 shows, probably 30ish bands.

i even remember when 96 Rock and 99x had so much money to burn that they BOTH decided to throw Free Friday Night concert series. One was hosted on the bricks and the other was located about half a block down in a shanty parking lot full of rednecks. the On the Bricks series was lighter, hosting bands like Sheryl Crow and The Rembrandts. 96 Rock was bringing in crazy Cowboy Mouth and Foo Fighters. you actually had options on what free concert you wanted to attend, if not a bit of both.

this summer, none of the radio stations were going to run free concerts. i guess the coca cola well of money-love dried up and the stations decided it was not worth taking the expense of hiring mad booking to book the bands and venues with no guarantee of profit. then, about a month ago, 99x announced they would in fact be hosting the Summer concert series again.... just a different venue.

The venue is Underground Atlanta. until this weekend, i had never stepped foot in this little mall that is constructed out of an old train station. all i knew was that plenty of black dudes hung out there and robbed other black dudes. i read an article about the refurbishing of U-ATL (probably the 5th time in the past decade)... adding cops, newer stores, and of course theme bars which i wrote about back in the day. so it was with the most positive outlook that i approached friday's weezer concert, and i walked away knowing that i would never ever ever EVER step foot there again.

First off, let me just say that there was nothing wrong with the weez itself. how could they have known what they were getting into. also, on a side note, i cant stand going to a concert where the majority of people are there just to be there, to be seen. this seems to be overwhelmingly apparent at these free concert things. but honestly how do people not know the lyrics to "Say it aint So"? what the fuck are you even doing there you dumb fucker?!

Which leads me into why i will never step foot in U-ATL ever again. 20,000 people. 4 exits/entrances. 4 beer stands. 0 police. not only was there no traffic control of any kind, but the entire concert was a giant fucking bottleneck. when we decided to wedge our way into the crowd, we got further than most who tried.... probably a good 400 feet back from the stage before we were completely stuck with no direction to go. when we smoked our j's, there were so many scavengers i felt like i was a ruth's chris steak thrown in the shark tank.

i was left with so many questions: Who's brilliant idea was it to host a free concert in an alley? Why could 99x not secure a better locale? How can ATL ever expect Underground to ever work out if they do stupid shit like this? why was there a feeling of no police presence? what happens to the girls that get dragged out of the depths of the crowd who cant even open their eyes, let alone walk on 2 feet? how is it possible that i saw 10 people i knew when there were 20,000 there? and last but certainly not least, are there 20,000 Ben Folds Five fans in ATL too? (god i hope not.)

When i heard that weezer was coming for free, i was pissed about buying that $45 ticket a month before to see them at tabernacle. i am so glad i can say it was money well spent, so few things in retrospect seem like a better idea.

Reeferral

2005-07-12T15:10:00.000-05:00

Well, as much heady criticism as i have received re: earth objects crashing into comets, at least i know someone out there is smoking the chron as much as i am. Can anyone say massive tort?

Crazy lady article here

Sports Games that Don't Mean Shit

2005-07-12T10:20:00.000-05:00

Hello vicklanta readers. i got some heat for writing that sci-fi piece a week or so ago.... why is it that fiction drives my friend pool insane? i feel like people lost their sense of imagination right after graduating college. this is when you enter the 'real world'. the cold harsh taste of reality fills your mouth like an anchovy sandwich (on a french baguette). on a side note, the real world season 16(!!) is quite spicy, with the hottest midwest nympho i have seen on tv in awhile. within the first three episodes she tells us about a long term boyfriend, tells us she likes to fuck a lot, and then says she is falling for this dude danny in the house, with whom she would like to bunny fuck all up and down the hottub if it were not for his surgery from getting blindside sucker-punched in the side of the face by some austin cowboy skoal spitting fucker. whhhew, what a mouthful. if this is season 16 of the real world, that means i was 9 when real world 1 started.

also, shoutout to all the july birthdays. dont you know an insanely high amount of july birthdays amongst your friends? we always missed out on cool celebrations of cupcakes and fruit punch at elementary school, but i guess it was cool to be able to have your birthday at a water park when its 85 and hot as hell. last year i got to go to counting crows on a monday night for my bday. this year its on a tuesday and i am thinking moes and hoes, star bar, options for pony, waho, sleep. whos comin with me. whos comin with me.

and now on to more pressing matters. sports games that dont mean shit. now i am not talking about a list like hockey, soccer, tetherball, and curling here... that would be 'shitty sports'. i am talking about the games that have absolutely no effect on a teams record and should therefore not exist.

Baseball - The All Star Game, played tonight on ESPNHD, is the halfway mark of the MLB season. To be chosen to the all star game is a tradition started back in 1903. if you are chosen to consecutive all star games, you are probably winning various other MLB awards and will likely make it to the hall of fame when your number is called. all the best hitters, fielders, pitchers are voted on by YOU, the fans. but the thing is, whichever league wins the game receives home field advantage in the world series. An absolutely worthless game is actually worth something significant, and that is lame. If the purpose of the home run derby and celeb game and all star game is to do something entertaining for the kids, then it should have no impact on the world series, perhaps the most amurrican tradition ever. i just hope my little dominican all stars are getting well rested for the 2nd half of baseball. braves games are about to get ever more exciting than they already are, with tons of talent returning. i am just wondering what all these 9 rookies are gonna do when the roster spots peace out. who goes, who stays.

NFL Football - 4 Pre-Season Games. every year, these absolutely useless games take place. every year the sportscasters talk shit about the games, saying everyone looks incredible.... buuut, it is just pre season. you hear it tacked on to frat boys discussions on their futons whilst hitting massive bingers. you hear it at the water cooler. example:
Obnoxious Philly Fan: "Damn my man McNabb looked sick last night launching that hail mary for 62 to TO"
Realistic Person: "Ya, but its just preseason"
None of the stats count. None of the scores matter. Scrimmage games should be worked out off the field. But, the NFL makes money on broadcasting and advertisements, so why the fuck should they care? Also, being an ATL fan we all know how much we hate preseason vick spin moves. get ready for Monday Night Football, we are gonna have some scorchers. Momma McNabb better renew her Campbells soup contract, because donovan is gonna need plenty in the sick bed after madden curse takes place.

NCAA Hoops - The play-in game for the NCAA March Madness tour has to be one of the dumbest televised games for the year. a playoff between the 64th and 65th worst best teams in the country, which ultimately leads to one of them getting stomped in their first round. The polls should just lock in the 64 teams, no need for this inevitably ridiculous game. never in the history of the tourney has a 16 seed beat a 1 seed. never. ever.

thats it. maybe more to come later.
my brazilian BA is already leaving the project after two months of work. yessssss.

Non-Payday Fridays Suck

2005-07-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

This week was another bust; the good news is the ba is changing her hours from 9-5ish to 7-3ish. blogs in the afternoon seem most likely, if I have any brain power left at that point. like today. today has been a pretty crazy day and its only 2 pm. i was supposed to have an 11 meeting, but the construction workers outside my office cut the power to a bunch of buildings over here. for those of you who know where I work, you know this is probably not a very good thing. for those of you who don’t, think outbreak. then think quarantine. then think a bunch of chickens (security) running around with their heads cut off (no power) making sure it wasn’t terrorist related so people could leave. for chili’s. the mecca of all government food chain restaurants.

So here is what has been stocking up in my text message bin to myself over the last few days.
====================
**Spoiler: I am about to admit my most embarrassing job ever.**
====================
Back in high school in the ville, I worked at a fucking dairy queen for about 2 years. i was so young that everyone was carrying around pagers. 426-2969 911 143 30035. that used to be code for “call shoobie immediately, I love your boobs”. i used to wear a visor just so the ridiculous mop would pop out the top and people would wonder about the cleanliness of their cookie dough blizzards with extra cookie dough. my boss was a white woman with a gambling problem. her bookie would come into the DQ and theyd sit in the back and drink coffee and circle games and place bets. who knows how many little kids ice cream money got 8-1 on KC -7.5 over OAK. anyway, the point of all this background was to tell you that the boss was in fact white. also, people who worked at my Kroger bagging shit and stocking shelves could have easily gone to Berkeley once they graduated. in ATL, every mother fucking DQ owner, worker, financier, is Indian. all the Desi’s own a monopoly on hot eats and cool treats in Georgia. find me a DQ with no Indians and I’ll find you a bank with no jews. of course this hypothesis was proved after witnessing the 2 indian dudes speak ‘bee’ on the new DQ commercial. i called a few months ago that I would buy stock in Indian comedy (after checking, i realized it was a year ago to the day! spooky!)…i can now funnel said funds into DQ stock knowing it is in good hands.

Why are bandanas cool for girls and black guys to wear, but not cool for white guys? now I know that usually I am the one bitching about fashion things that need to disappear, but I am willing to always hear arguments about trends that need to be reborn. or revamped. either way, it has to look cool to be approved. now most guys cannot rock any form of hair garnishing… I get it, you like it short so you don’t have to do shit with it. but for jewfro mufuckas like me, we need things like headbands to properly get it out of our eyes but fashionably pinned upwards. i own about 8 forms of head gear, everything from the dewrags to the ATL Hawks ‘Restart’ campaign season headband. in high school mark apple and I used to rock the workout band just to be different, but I seriously think Mark from Road Rules Season 1 was onto something.

Remember back in the day when you would go to your city fairgrounds and there would be some kind of small carnival going on? you'd eat your popcorn and your funnel cake and go on the semi-cool rides. not six flags cool, but not ghetto either. well in Atlanta, with such a spread out population, there really isn’t an area where a carnival could be hosted. we don’t exactly have a Georgia Fair here, mainly due to the fact that ATL is not bumpkinville, ga. but what we do have, is Carnievals. Notice the difference in spelling and pronunciation. Carnivals (car-nuh-vulz) are the safe, fun, monitored rides at a public location. Carnievals (car-nee-vulz) are those little schwag rides that decide to roll into town like a band of gypsies and set up shop in an alley or parking lot full of crackheads and hypodermic needles. Like the one that sometimes shows up off the 85 south exit before turner field. Or the one that sets up in the middle of north dekalb mall parking lot. I know you’ve seen the carnievals, and I assume that since you are still reading this you did not attend one. But if you do, make sure to bring a strap or a blade in case you get taken for 100 large at the carnie gypsy games.

Porn stars. everyone loves em. the other day me and my bud dave were sitting on his couch when we started talking about porn. i was going to blog “Top 10 Porn Star Moves” but I could only think of a few and most of those were too dirty for the nc-17 rating I try to uphold. but we did think of some… basically trying to come up with things you only see on porn, things girls in real life would never do. (PS—I would love some input on this if youre bored) here are a few:
- Girls in porns who are giving blowjobs start off by hocking a giant wad of spit on the guys dick before they start blowing him full on. i assume this reduces friction and is the lazy porn stars solution for lube, but I have never in my life been in a situation where the girl felt it was time to spit on my inches before she went down on me.
- I know all men like to try some crazy ass positions. but when do you ever say to your lady “hey, instead of 69ing on the couch/bed, why don’t I lift you up and turn you upside down to go down on you while you go down on me?”
- DVDA. now some of you good little boys and girls may not get into this naughty hardcore porn, hell I didn’t know what that shit meant until about 2 weeks ago. sounds like a new digital technology to watch Shrek 2 in. double vaginal, double anal, people. that’s 4 total, 2 in each lower orifice, all at the same time.
- Last but not least, the butty. i think it is so fucking hilarious that when a dude is eating out a porn star, he will start to throw his fingers in other places while he’s downtown. for the camera, he will hook his fingers in her ass back towards her vaj, exposing a large amount of pink insides to the audience. He will then wiggle fingers back and forth to make the pink talk like a little pussy puppet back at the camera. (over the line?—hey it happens in real porn life all the time!)

That’s about all I have for today. i am going to the braves game tonight. i wish I had gone to the sweep of the cubs. Braves are on a tear, but lets be honest… i cant wait for some fucking football! Jonny mcpot is out of town all weekend, so if any of you ladies want to take a ride on the ixxperience you know how to get in touch. or if you just want to smoke my herbs. or play video games on the HDtv, if youre an xbox kinda girl. finally, make sure you get your 99x freeloader card ready and printed for Saturdays cake show. Have a great fuckin weekend.

Nature, Chaos, and the Universe

2005-07-05T11:25:00.000-05:00

In the depths of the milky way galaxy, billions of stars rotate around the spirals that stretch across millions of light years. Many of these stars have completely uninhabitable solar systems… living organisms have not evolved to withstand the harsh conditions of planetary life. But there are plenty of stars with fully functioning, living, breathing planets full of life beyond our imagination. In the center of the galaxy, there exists a federation of planets whose duty is to protect the natural chaos that exists within any major star system. Comets, supernovas, black holes… the natural order of the galaxy is supposed to remain untouched by outside forces.

Due to budget constraints, the federation has not been able to track down every single planet in the galaxy with life. As a result, spiral 4 in the milky way band, is ‘line-item funded’ and until the original treaties of the federation are worked out, these far-off systems remain untouched by intelligent life outside their own solar systems. The main purpose of the federation is to create a balance of power among any planets in the galaxy, allowing any lifeforms the opportunity to create galactic laws which will ensure the future of the milky way galaxy.

The history of this federation begins 1,190,023 years ago when peaceful emissaries were sent from Planet Yugekok to Planet Dynky to establish a collective bargaining agreement. The yugekoks would export their precious lotus plants in exchange for the dynky rocket fuel to power the federation ships. These two planets would enlist the help of several other advanced lifeforms to gain new technologies, weapons, and of course the means to force galactic regulations on other members of the milky way galaxy.

This is very different than the Andromeda galaxy, where a staunch dictator rules planets with an iron fist and disobedience is punished to the utmost degree. This dictator strips planets of their value—whether its minerals, fuels, exotic life, food supplies. He has built an intergalactic war machine and plans to start invading neighboring galaxies within the next 100 years or so.

....That brings us to the present time, 2080. Earth has not been explored and made aware that they are in fact a part of the milky way federation. As a result, we do not know about any of the intergalactic policy that has been set forth by the federation to ensure our galaxy’s success. These things include basic rules, like “look but don’t touch”, “take only memories, leave only footprints”, no unwarranted attacks between planets will be tolerated... these are really just industry standard laws for any community of lifeforms.

Several days ago, a comet which originated in spiral 4 (earths region), struck a devastating blow to the capitol planet Yahyoh. For almost 10,000 years Yahyohians worked extra hard to prove to the galaxy that the milky way capitol should be on their planet…. clean crisp oxygen, beautiful waterfalls spanning the globe.. just a beautiful planet that any milky way resident would be proud to visit and explore during a trip to the capitol.

The comet came out of nowhere and was completely unaccounted for in the initial report filed by the investigating committee. There is a 99.9% accurate tracking of every object in the milky way galaxy… they haven’t all been explored, but we can at least see them and know where they are going, what they orbit around, etc. This comet literally came out of nowhere and when it collided with Yahyoh, almost a billion people were incinerated in the crash. Politicians, public officials, neighboring tourists… the list of casualties is one of the greatest galactic accidents of all time.

Immediately following the incineration of a billion citizens of this great galaxy, an investigation was started to find out how this comet went completely under the radar and was able to penetrate through the galaxy without ever being tracked by our amazingly advanced hyper-radar technology. The committee found out some interesting facts about the comet. This comet WAS tracked in the radar system…. 100 years ago it was on a path orbiting a system in spiral 4 of the milky way. On precisely July 4, 2005, something in the solar system that was not measurable or observable by the Office of Tracking All Galactic Bodies interacted with this comet to change its path forever. As a result, the natural order of the galaxy was changed forever. What started as a little ripple of universal interference turned into a major crash course for this comet to hit our capitol planet. Since all objects can be tracked, natural collisions are a part of the galaxy’s survival... If life exists on a planet that is about to be dragged into a supernova, the federation will work to evacuate these people and shift them to a new home. (Natural chaos is a part of the universe, as long as we get a heads up about it first)

In the days following the comet crash, the judicial branch of the federation issued a proclamation: Find whoever is responsible for that terrorist attack and make them pay to the utmost extent of the law. Under new fears of the andromeda dictator attacking our galaxy, the milky way is on a heightened level of security. Any interference with nature that leads to the destruction of any lives, planets, bodies, or stars, can be considered a terrorist act. When investigators traced the path of the comet down to the tiniest detail, several galactic cruisers flew to the point where the comet’s course was changed forever. The investigation showed trace elements of a collision that happened between something from the planet Earth and this comet. Planet Earth, with its role in the terrorist attack on the milky way, was scheduled for immediate termination. The planet’s citizens would not be saved, for they contributed to the destruction of billions. Even if they were unaware of their faults, they should have known the rules early... DO NOT FUCK WITH NATURE.

I Am Not A Friendster Whore

2005-07-01T11:01:00.000-05:00

Connections. Networking. Friendster provides not these things.
(ya i ripped that off from yoda, so what)

Friendster, created in 2002 by Jonathan Abrams, the first .com social networking site. at least thats how he bills it. anyone who is in college/20something savvy and who knows what a blog is definitely knows what friendster is so i dont need to explain it to you bitches.

friendster started off very basic, with a profile and pictures and a way to add people to your friendster list. my first friendster was mike "white chocolate" green, and he has about 100 hot yatches on his friendster list so my network was straight naughty for its kickoff party. over time i picked up friendsters here and there.... in the initial hype of friendster, everyone was sending everyone friendster requests. it was like a free agency draft for every mother fucker with an internet connection and 2 hours to burn.

the dude who created friendster has some issues. in a not-too-long-ago article, he was interviewed about the success of his .com biz. unfortunately he lost his cool and started going off on fake aliases on his little creation. fake friendsters, for the unhip, are called "fakesters" and i guarantee you also know at least one person who has 2 friendster accounts or more. just read here. for example, jonny a. wild created the character "Borat" and hopes to one day have 1000 fake friends. of course 3 other copycats have also created borat characters, so theyre jonesin for random bitches to hit them up.

my problem with friendster has nothing to do with the architecture or policies thrust upon its users. here is what i fucking hate: friendster whores. these are the people who have over 100 friendsters on their list. now i am not jealous of these people, dont get that idea into your head. i see plenty of people i know that i could hit up for friendster. the thing is, THEY AREN'T MY FUCKING FRIENDS. ergo, if i would never ever speak to them or they are not someone i have interacted with at some point in my life, there is no need for me to collect them like a fucking token in my friend bin. the biggest whore in my friendster network is definitely Luis. mother fucker has 136 friendsters. bro, nick ducoff should NOT be on anyones friendster list. scary martin should have a fucking friendster restraining order.

my friendster list is fucking VIP only. i reject friendster requests. (who does that?! and does it send a rejection letter back to the person?) clearly someone friendster requesting me is the cause for all this ranting. but i mean, i havent talked to the kid in 3 years and even when i lived in the same house we never ever chilled. we are already connected through fucking 50 other people, whats the point of adding you to my list? also bald men who would suck dick for $10,000 are still in my 'new friendster request' bin... not necessarily getting rejected, but not getting into the shoobie club either.

so far the only thing i have gotten out of friendster is a re-connection with mander and of course endless hours of staring at the talent pool in the 18-28, 15 miles out of 30306, any interest, any status, photos only.

one day i might change my mind. i sell out my moral takes on things like this for a fucking wink and a smile. the point is, dont try and be all up in my friendster if youre not even my fucking friend. and dont try to collect hos on your list that somehow translate to you being cool. that is totally illogical. besides, everyone knows that the true cool hipsters are on myspace.com. i have never met a chica on friendster.... but if i did, i would hope that she's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She has uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.

Yesssssss! Lucky!

2005-07-01T10:52:00.000-05:00

guess whos back. back again. shoobies back. tell a friend.

thats right, im finally finally actually able to blog at work again! yaaaay, i feel like special Ed. so this morning my routine was hit snooze button exactly 7 times. (7 x 9) + 8:00 am alarm = 9:45 arrival at work. the reason this shit can go down, along with the fact that i am blogging, is due to the witch being dead. the witch of course (for the 2 curious asians) is the brazilian ba (bullshit artist). here is a picture.

this is how i roll MS paint style. notice the toofs need major work. also purple barney power suit is legitimately worn once a week. not that barneys, a way more shitty barney.
before i arrived, i inhaled some precious creativity herbs and spices to get me through the morning. ya see when your thursday night consisted of an 11pm taxi ride to Mako's in Fuckhead to join 50 CPA's in town for a convention and stare at endless hired talent on stage, then parlay that into a 3am celebration for Waffle House's 50th Anniversary, you have to do something to calm stomach, relax burning sensation of staring at computer monitor, and of course feel the creative juices for your now week of absence in blogland.

so its july, month of the cancer, my birthday month, and of course the best number on earth besides 19. i bet a higher proportion of people have 7 as their lucky number than any other number. its definitely mine in terms of the roulette wheel, although in texas i would fold a pair of 7's with a substantial re-raise. mike vick is obviously a 7. seven minute abs. 7 deadly sins. 7 dwarves. Make 7... up yours!

July 4th is obviously this weekend as well. i just re-checked the blog for last year and the same fucking thing holds true: "The problem with July 4th weekend is that no one ever plans anything to do. Then everyone scrambles to do something at the last minute and it is always semi lame." I once again have no true plans and know that i will drunk/hi see fireworks at some point. whether it is in atl or some other locale is yet to be determined.

all i know is the monday off seems way more necessary this year than last year. three day weekends make me a happy boy and i cant wait to get derby'd up for three days instead of the standard two. but for now, as you skance out of twerk today at 3ish (trust me, some .gov employees will leave around noonish), i will try to leave you with as many blogs as i can. theyve been piling up in my text message outbox just waiting to spew forth.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

2005-06-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well she's not dead, she is moving into a new house.... either way, she's out of work and im back to my old skancy routine. blogs are imminent.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs?

2005-06-24T13:20:00.000-05:00

This post is more of a landmark accomplishment than anything else... and that is, i finished my first book of the "shoobie's random summer reading" list. books and i are friends... i mean there have been times in my life when book and beer fought a galactic duel; problem is la cerveza always wins that one. But after high school and college semesters were over, i would rekindle my relationship with a good book (or 15- one summer i worked at a pool). it wasnt until i had cash of my own to distribute to books that i started really reading for my pleasure and not anyone else's.

That being said, I just read one of the best easy-reading knocks on today's pop culture. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs was written by this dude Chuck Klosterman who is a nerdy introverted music knowledge god and also completely 'in the know' about all things pop. He is about 8 years older than i am, so some of his 80s teen stuff doesnt really parallel. But his sarcastic and realistic out of the box perspectives of our existence is something everyone should read.

i hope its not copyright infringement if you gank passages from a book on your blog.....
Chuck Klosterman on:

John Cusack blowing
"I can't fathom how he isnt the number-one-box-office star in America, because every straight girl i know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker....They dont love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they see Mr. Cusack they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say Anything... this is why i will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman i tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. we will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love."

The Sims
"...My SimChuck was still there, frozen in space, hungry and tired and gesturing like a madman, covered in piss....a confused little guy still waiting for a reason to live. i clicked on 'free will' and SimChuck was emancipated. I watched him take a shower and crawl into bed for the next fourteen hours. and then i did the same."

The Real World
"Once youve been on TV, nothing else matters. If Flora from Miami wrote the 21st century version of Anna Karenina, she'd still be known as the loud-mouthed bitch who fell through the bathroom window. Almost a dozen ex-Real Worlders have pursued careers in music, all with a jump-start from MTV. None have succeeded; their combined sales would be dwarfed by Arrested Development's live album....it appears the highest residual success one can achieve from a Real World stint is that of being asked to compete in a Real World/Road Rules challenge. all these people are forever doomed to the one-dimensional qualities that made them famous nobodies. the idea that they could do anything else seems impossible"

there are more knocks on all kinds of things from punk rock to saved by the bell, and country music to pam anderson. this dude writes essays like they are streams of consciousness, but on an incredibly sardonic intelligent level. its a $13 paperback, just go fucking buy it. have i convinced you enough?

(i will also be putting Tokey Books on the sidebar ---> )
(can anyone thing of something that sounds cooler than tokey books)

My Au Pair Can Kick Your Au Pair's Ass

2005-06-21T10:32:00.000-05:00

First off, i just want to say that my preferred method of greeting acquaintences is to give the "fist knock" whattup... it is way more sanitary than the "open hand" whattup, especially if you give it to the rasta-british-garbage guy at work.

This weekend was filled with a variety of fun and middies events. I met a cool, tan, sexy, funny, nose-studded j who smokes buds. life is on the up and up. i also went to 2 strip clubs (pony was way too packed) closing out "the oasis" off peachtree industrial and then rendezvousing with said j for some bingers. i also met up with shannon and despite the fact that her new boy is a big tool, she is awesome to booze with. i guess when she wants a jboy who is nice 100% of the time instead of 50-50, she knows where to get her cuddle on.
===========================
Which brings me to the emory party i attended on saturday night. 'emory' in that everyone there attended emory, but most of them are actually graduated. (minus my boy dwellis, lord of trichomes) this is a conversation i ACTUALLY heard.

[i start to pay attention around this part....]
boy: i was born in singapore since my dad used to do business over there. actually my au pair was in town last week and visited our family.
girl: thats awesome. i havent seen my au pair but i have very distinct memories of her growing up.
boy: indeed.
boy2: your what?
girl: his au pair, like the nanny.
[silence]

boy2 had never heard of this concept, which is ridiculous. everyone watched either Mary Poppins or Bedknobs and Broomsticks growing up. i guess the stereotypical au pair is a 50-60ish british chick who is hired by a rich waspy family to watch the children while they are out making a killing in the chimney sweep industry.

nowadays however, you hear the term au pair tossed around like lil kim at a snoop dogg wrap party. parents who both have sick jobs that require hours of work until late in the evening, sometimes travelling during the week for days at a time. single mother families who cleaned out the ex-husband and can afford such luxuries while she is off sewing her wild oats. 10% of new england. all these groups require some additional child raising services.

for the families who dont want to involve a 3rd party in their child rearing, however, there are plenty of options. i remember when i was in elementary school they had this program called "latch key kids". they gave you a giant fucking sign and piece of yarn to throw your key around your neck so you wouldnt lose it. thats a good idea... tell every sicko fuck in america that youll be home alone without parents for a little while. here's a fun stat!

Seven and a half million children in the United States between ages 5 and 14 are latchkey kids, according to the National Institute on Out-of-School-Time. Research confirms that kids are less likely to get into trouble when a responsible adult is watching them. In a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, researchers found that eighth graders who are unsupervised more than 10 hours a week are about 10 percent more likely to try marijuana, and twice as likely to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol, as eighth-graders who are not unsupervised during the week.

well i guess this survey doesnt lie. my sister is the latchkey statistic of the year candidate for that one. i was too concerned with nintendo and how to beat contra with at least 10 lives left.

anyway, i digress. the point is, when i was growing up in the south no one had a nanny. at least mom or dad were still making it home before dinner to be with the kids. my cousins in boston are a different story... half the kids in their nice private schools have nannies. most celebrity children have them. personally i dont ever foresee my kiddos having the nanny thing.... i am almost hoping my wife is the breadwinner so i can chill with the little fuckers and take them to teeball practice and shit.

as much fun as it would have been to sing and dance and frolick around the backyard, my little shoobies will not be singing supercalifragilisticexpialisuckmyballs.